It kind of sounds like BM is frustrated with an out of control teen and lets her do it because she's going to do it anyways. I think DH needs to have a sit down with mom and talk about his concerns, making sure to include the concern of how it will affect the 13 year old. Then, perhaps the two of them can make a plan to present a united front in getting her to tone down her behavior.

It depends on many factors like if mom & dad get along enough to do this. and if mom even thinks it's a problem. It could be pointed out to mom that there are other dangers than just going to jail. What about her developing a drinking/drug problem? What about her being taken advantage of when she's drinking? What about promiscuity? STD's? Unplanned pregnancy? Drinking & driving? (even as a passenger)

If dealing with BM isn't an option, of course DH should talk to SD about the consequences of what she's doing. She may be doing this for attention, and from BM she gets "it's your life, don't call me from jail" I think that is irresponsible. I have told my kids that if they ever do something that lands them in jail, I won't visit or bail them out. I've said that as a means to discourage them from doing things that will land them in jail. But the truth is, if my kids get into trouble, I am their mom and would not turn my back on them. If your SD gets pregnant, it will affect every person in your family, including the 13 year old. And is BM ready to deal with a baby? It's easy to threaten that you won't help out, but will she really turn her grandchild away?

Before dealing with the 17 year old, I would talk to the mom first and try to get her on board with a plan. It's not going to do much good for dad to jump all over a 17 year old that could decide she doesn't want to go to dad's anymore. The parents need to be united in this and then talk to SD. Good luck to you.

I agree with imamommy, try talking to the bm about the situation. It can not be good for the younger sister to see her older sister, who she probably looks up to, doing these types of things. It does sound crazy that the mother is condoning this type of behavior. I understand that kids are going to be exposed to all types of things and have to be able to make their own choices, but especially while they are at home isn't it a parents responsibility to do their best to keep their child from underage drinking and from drug use? These behaviors can definately lead to other things ima mentioned, like substance abuse problems, rape or unprotected sex and std's.

The main problem is the inability to work with BM. My dh did call her about all of these issues and her response was, she can do what she wants, if she gets caught by the police, don't call her.

Helpwiththis....His younger daughter being exposed to all of this behavior is my DH's main concern. Also, if BM is being this permissive with 17 year old, what is going to happen with 13 year old.

They have a parenting coordinator assigned to their case, but she never calls back. Our marriage counselor suggested asking for a new coordinator, so we will see what happens with that. This whole thing becomes very difficult because when my DH is in conflict with his ex, the girls will start refusing to come over. There is a whole bunch of emotional manipulation.

Being a united front with their daughter would definitely be the best approach, but unfortunately has not been possible up to this point, despite my DH's best effort.