jenkin,

I know that you were asking this question for confused teen 01, but I thought I may be able to add a little insight and I have a couple of questions. First, how long have you been married to your husband? Does your step daughter live with you or with her mom?

Ok, now for my advise...talk to the biomothers of other girls her age. If you have never raised a daughter, keep in mind that pretty much ALL teenage girls are CRAZY! Things are hard for girls these days. There are so many pressures with friends, boyfriends, school, sports, etc. Even if she is realitively well adjusted, there is always something. Just keep being good to her, try to turn the other cheek as you might if she were your biological child, and don't take things to personally.

Hi raek, I have been married for 4 1/2 yrs to my husband, SD lives with her bio-mom, and I do have a daughter of my own, she is 24yrs old. I appriciate the advise, but I never really turned the other cheek with my daughter. I always "called" her on her bad behavior and we talked things out (after her punishishment depending on the behavior). My daughter and I have always been close and communicated and I guess I just assumed things would be great between my SD and me. It's hard not to take the things she does to me personally. When I talk to her about her behavior, she seems to be concearned that she hurt me and will say she is sorry, but then do/say the same thing over again and again. I will not dicipline her because she is not my child. But I need to find a way to let her know that she can't walk all over me. Her dad and mom aren't much help in the dicipline department. Any suggestions?

I guess my advice didn't come out the way I meant it to. Of course you wouldn't turn the other cheek on your own child's bad behavior. All I meant was that you might want to cut her a little slack. When I read many of the posts in this forum, it seems to me that so many step parents (I'm not accusing you of this, it seems like you are really trying to make a connection with SD) can only focus on what the child does wrong, and never on what they do right, or for the reasons behind their behavior. Sorry that didn't come out right.

The reason I asked how long you have been married to her Dad is because I think many stepparents go straight into trying to dicipline a child who they haven't even had time to bond with. In my opinion you are doing the right thing by talking with her, but leaving the dicipline up to her bio parents. It is unfortunate that your husband won't help you out in that department, but it seems that it is a common factor with divorced parents. Both parents want to be the good guy. I think it's great that you do mother-daughter things with her. If I were you, I would also encourage her dad to do things with her one-on-one as well. Hang in there, she will eventually appreciate what you are doing for her and the effort you are making with her.

raek, I know that it's difficult to communicate by computer, you can't see facial expressions and it's hard to explain exactly what you're trying to say. I want to thank you for the response and encouragement. To give you some insight on what I'm dealing with-I used to send SD packages in the mail for every holiday, even the less significant ones. She would not acknowledge the gifts or thank me for them. I would tell her that it hurt my feelings that she wouldn't say thank you to me and her dad for the gifts and she would say she was sorry. But she continued the same behavior. After 3 years of this, I stopped sending the packages. She has said horrible things about my sons (then age 17 and 6) to my husband and I. (I won't go into detail but it upset me to NO end) And later admitted that she said it to get her way. She is no longer allowed to be alone with either of my sons. Not for her sake but for thiers. Her dad and I explained to her that saying those things could cause a lot of problems for our family but she was not disiplined. She tells me she loves me, calls me mom, has heart to heart talks with me and I start feeling like I can get close to her and then when she goes back to her bio mom, she won't talk to me on the phone, or respond to my e-mails. It hurts me so much. I feel used and manipulated. I really feel like a fool. When we do talk, I tell her how proud I am of her for her grades, I ask her about things she's doing, I give her advise when she asks for it, so I just don't understand why she treats me this way. I've gone on and on, but would also like to say that her dad does do one on one with her, fishing, golf, movies ect. Just no dicipline. Thanks for listening and again for the advise.

I don't know what more you can do. It sounds as if you have really done a lot for and with her. I'm sorry that she is not responding in a positive way. Neither of my parents would've ever let me get away with that kind of behavior. What does your husband say when you talk to him about it? My guess is that she may feel guilty reguarding her bio mom when she responds in a loving way toward you. If it's any consollation, I wish my stepmom had one ounce of the compassion and love for me that you seem to have with your stepdaughter.

Thank you. My parents would have spanked me and then grounded me for the rest of my life and worse if I had ever done anything CLOSE to the things she can get away with. I can't talk to my husband any longer about her or the situation. She is the only thing we argue about. If I bring up her name, he shuts down, changes the subject, or gets angry (which he doesn't do often at all) He is a great husband and my best friend, but this situation is eating me alive. She is due to come for the summer. My 8 yr old will be going to his dads for the summer. It will be just the 2 of us at home during the day (my older son has moved out on his own) and I am not looking forward to it. It's just a shame. Thank you again for saying such nice things. It sounds as though maybe you had a tough time with your stepmom, and I am sorry for that-but you seem to have it together!