I have one friend who put a lock on her bedroom door (this friend, btw, is in intact marriage with the father of her two children). As she said, cost of getting a locksmith out and putting lock on door, about $75. Not having to worry about disappearing shampoo (as in get in shower, wet hair, now you are all wet, and then realizing no shampoo), priceless.

One kid in college, other in HS, would not recommend locks with babies or infants

haha I like it: priceless. :)

She doesn't go to the bedroom. But she is using the bathroom (even though she has her own, attached to her bedroom) and then laundry room, she takes my stuff right from the dryer. SO says: put everything in the bedroom, she won't take it. I cannot put shampoos in the bedroom, or my laundry. I don't have this problem with DD. She does take stuff and doesn't put it back. But she doesn't take it permanently, she just doesn't put it where it belongs. But it doesn't dissapear forever.

Has anyone ever confronted her about this?

SO told her to ask if she needs anything instead of taking it. It improved a bit, not much.

SO is having problems confronting his daughters about anything. Both DDs have bad relationship with BM, who is very minimally involved. DDs took parents' divorce very hard, it caused them a lot of pain (BM left for TOM after multiple affairs and practically withdrew from SDs lives). Older SD doesn't even talk to mom.

SO is overly protective of them because of it.

I have the exact same problem! In fact we have a "family meeting" scheduled tonight because of that and several other problems. SD-13 is continually going through my things and borrowing as she feels fit. I got up yesterday and got into the shower and discovered my shave gel gone. Then after I shaved with my conditioner which is not cheap enough to be shave gel, I went to dry my hair and discovered my blowdryer missing along with my brushes and hair products. I know she's got a blowdryer, I bought it, and shave gel because after shaving with my conditioner, I snatched hers. At lunch I asked her where my things were and she goes "I don't know. Maybe I have them." Grr!! My head is a riot of frizzy curls looking something similar to an how a person looks after putting their finger in an electric socket and I just shaved my legs with tea tree conditioner (which FYI burns like hell) and MAYBE you have my stuff? Then later I found her with my tin of nail polish (I have probably 40 bottles in different colors) painting her nails.

Tonight, for the family meeting, I've typed up a list of things that I expect to be done, like wiping toothpaste off the counter and rinsing shower and putting dirty towels in the towel hamper, and things that I expect common courtesy on, like taking things that aren't yours and turning lights out when you leave a room. We'll see how tonight's meeting goes. I'm going to call DH on a few things too. I'll keep you posted.

There's no reason to wait for SO to confront her. If I were you, I'd say "It may be okay with your father if you take what you need from him, but it's NOT okay with me to take MY things." This isn't about being overly protective, it's about respect and she needs to show you and your things respect. She knows they aren't her dad's fem products. I find it creepy that she would take any of the things you said. Like you said, none of those are things that are shared. You might even put together a small "care" package of things she might need and when you give it to her, tell her that if she needs anything else, she has to ask.

I don't think you should have to lock them up if you're bathroom is not private. But, if you know that she takes things when she's visiting, then maybe do your laundry when she isn't there or get it out as soon as it's done. It's not fair that you should have to take inventory or take extra time to make sure she stays out of your things, but it sounds like she was never taught boundaries. To this day, one of my parents could tell me to get something out of their pocketbook and I would bring it to them, I would never open it and take something out. I was taught to never touch anything that didn't belong to me and I would never go into someone else's room or bathroom and "snoop" or take things. If she is getting into your laundry, I consider that "snooping" because she knows it's not hers. What her mom did and the way she feels about it has nothing to do with having respect for other people's belongings.

This isn't AT ALL to justify or excuse her behavior, but I wonder if there's something more to it than meets the eye. It seems like I've heard about this phenomenon a lot, on this site and elsewhere. My guess is that, on a less "conscious" level, she feels like it's "okay" or fair to take things from you because she might (again, on this less-than-conscious level) feel like you have "taken" her dad away from her. As baby-ish as that sounds, often these sorts of buried feelings are driving our behavior, no matter how old we are or how irrational it may seem or which side of the "adult/child" divide we're on. Certainly, on the surface, it would seem that a college-aged person should "know better", and I'm sure she does. I also would wonder whether she takes things from other people. It's likely that she doesn't, and that she has singled you out because she's "acting out" for some reason that makes sense to some part of her.

How long have you been with her father? Are you engaged to be married? Are there any circumstances/dynamics between all of you where she might be disposed to feel that way (like you're "taking" her dad away) beyond the normal adjustments to blended family life? Do you and she get along well, or is there a competitive or adversarial dynamic between you two? (There often is between SM's and SD's, marriage or no marriage, and many times the competition is a lot more "femininity"/"attractiveness"-oriented than any of us would like to believe, especially if you are both relatively young and attractive--- which may shed further light on why she is choosing "feminine" type products to swipe.) What is the age difference between you and she and between you and her father? (I don't ask this to judge. Just that it can be surprising how age, etc. can affect these situations, even when everyone is doing their best to be mature and to resist the stereotypes.)

Obviously, she shouldn't be allowed to just take your things, and clearly confronting her about it in one way or the other is best. Probably best to keep confrontations about it between you and she b/c that way you can potentially re-build trust; whereas if you go "telling on her" to Daddy or getting him to be the Bad Cop it might feel to her like you're more interested in "getting her in trouble" than nipping the theft issue in the bud and moving forward and improving your relationship with her. Not that he can't be clued into the problem if it continues or gets worse, but even still, I don't think he should be the one to confront her about it unless it remains impossible even after you've exhausted other alternatives.

You might also try *asking* her why she feels a need to do that, maybe even mentioning that you've heard that sometimes people take things as a way to deal with something that's bothering them. That way you can invite a conversation about it, a chance to get closer to her, to show that you are willing to forgive and understand her, and there might be more of a chance of repairing this situation.

i am on my lunch and time is limited, more to follow. thanks for replies. SO's DD takes everything she wants to from her dad as well. She is in general very careless about stuff and a bit on a spoiled side compare to DD whom i raised as a single mom. And his DDs were never told "no" by him.

I am not that young. 8 years younger than my BF. His DD is 19, and she a year yonger than my DD. So even though I am not old, i am not that young :) I do look younger than my age and well, I don't know how to put it, but SO's X is a very unattractive woman, it is not jealousy talk by no means. Type of a woman who doesn't care about her looks and lets herself go. His DD in question is very atheltic and looks nice and I don't see a competition there. She is a young girl and wouldn't compete with a woman in her early 40s. lol Maybe it is something to do with her mom, I don't know.

I don't think she does it maliciously though, she is just exteremely careless and does what she pleases. And no of course I was not TOW, not my style.

I would lean toward believing the girl is totally conscious of what she is doing when she steals your things. I think it is a way of her letting you know that she feels you owe her and that most likely has everything to do with your place in her Dad's life.

If I remember correctly, a few months ago, your SO was very protective of his daughters and not yet willing to introduce you to them.

It sounds as if your relationship with him has progressed, but I think that the root of her swiping your things is different than what's occurring in hecallsmemom's situation. You are in a very new situation and you are not her SM. In other words, the two of you are most likely standing on ceremony at this stage.

I would definitely talk to her about it and ask her to return the things she took from you. She may not like you, but she will respect you if you don't allow her to get away with it.

June, it was last summer-June or July when I posted about his daughters. It is January now. Over 6 months passed.

If she would take my stuff only, I would understand. Dad's stuff is constantly gone and she has been doing it way before i came to the picture. I appreciate the advice though. Will see. My DD is also disorganized and takes stuff and loses stuff, but eventually I can find it.

i had this issue with my SD as well, maybe over a year or so ago. Come to find out, it was a jealousy thing for one (why do i get the "better" things, when she "deserves" them) then i think she was also doing it to tell her mother that she had better things than her mother, which at the time her mother was trying to mke her move down there and did not have many things...but maybe the same pricipal applies to her at college? maybe there are some people she needs to think that she has better stuff then she already has?? Maybe she thinks that she "deserves" to help herself to whatever you have, just because. Its just a thought.

just food for thought... This may very well not be an issue as to her against you or jealousy or anything like that. If she has always done it and it never seemed to be a problem then she probably doesn't really realize it is a problem. It could very well just be a level of comfort. I never thought twice about 'borrowing' things from my mom (especially when I was in college and in that age range) Ofcourse, I usually said something to her but to be honest there were a few times that I 'borrowed' things and not that I was hiding it but I did manage to forget to tell her. Brushes were the usual suspect because I never could seem to remember to take it back out of my car and give it back (I have a habit of not brushing my hair until I am in the car on the go) I would say the same to hecallsmemom... especially with things like your tin of nail polish... my girls have a regular habit of getting out my basket of nail polish and my basket of hair accessories. And, I always stole my mom's razors and shaving gel when I was a teen. It wasn't spiteful or vengeful or jealousy ... it was there and I guess the same theory that says I can sit on the couch watch tv and help myself to some chips without checking.. says I can borrow things (at least in the teenage head) Obviously, she is taking the "borrowing" to the extreme... I never would have taken my mom's shoes or her underwear... although I did snag a sweater of hers once. (come to think about it)... But my point is..say something to her yourself tell her you don't appreciate her going through your things without asking and tell her that you expect it not to happen anymore. I just wouldn't be so quick to say it's jealousy or anything else so negative.

I'm with mom of 4 on this one. When I was growing up, if it was in the house, it was fair game for using, and that's how it pretty much works in our house today. My sister and I would borrow clothes from our mom and dad without asking, and we've even used each other's deoderant at times...after all, if you couldn't find yours the "I don't want to smell" reflex outweighed the "Ew, that's a personal item" thought. It's probably just a result of upbringing and comfort level.

When I moved in with my husband, I thought nothing of using his daughter's hair brush if I couldn't find mine. Then I found out that she wouldn't use it anymore if she knew I did that because it was a personal item to her, and that made her feel uncomfortable. After I was informed, I obviously was more considerate and didn't do it anymore...at least not without asking.

I would just let her know how you feel, making sure not to make her feel attacked, as she probably doesn't see it as a problem. I also think the gift basket of toilettries just for her is a great idea. I'm sure she's not trying to be spiteful or mean. Some people just don't have the same concept of boundaries as you, and it might be a hard habit to break.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt to begin with, and if you can't come up with a solution, just start taking her stuff so she knows how it feels:) (That was just a joke. Please don't anyone rip me a new one over it!!)

"concept of boundaries" that was the perfect statement to what I was trying to get across... I grew up in a house with six (sometimes 7 when my cousin lived with us) that had one bathroom and was very small. So there were no such thing as boundaries... The only things that were off limits was females purses guys wallets and the individual chest we each had for our "private" items. Everything else for the most part was fair game.

Have you stocked her bathroom with things for her? I did that when DSGS (stepgrandson) moved in with us 4 1/2 years ago. He has to share a bathroom with my DS (age 22 and in college). He is 13. I gave each "boy" a side of the medicine cabinet, each gets a storage drawer, and DSGS has a basket of his own toiletries. At first, DS got very frustrated when DSGS got into his stuff. DSGS's personal basket solved that problem nicely. DSGS has had to be reminded several times to ask when he is running low on soap, toilet paper, deodorant, shampoo, etc. Key word is ASK! Don't ever take from our bathroom without asking. DS stores his toiletries in his room which is off limits to DSGS.

Hecallsmemom said "like wiping toothpaste off the counter"

Argh!
My BF and I are the only people in the house who use the same toothpaste. Coincidentally, we are also the only people in the house who can keep the toothpaste off the counter.
Here's my toothpaste story this weekend:

Twice this weekend I had to call A__ to the bathroom to wipe up his toothpaste smears off the counter, but not a big deal. He's a kid. It happens.

However, my BF's brother is 27!! On Saturday night his toothpaste was ALL over the sink (I have no clue how he managed it - perhaps he was shaving with it?)
My BF and I were getting ready for bed and he called to his brother "Can you come clean up your toothpaste mess please?"
"No. I bought toilet paper today."
Huh? How do these two things even connect?! Truly baffling.

Since she takes stuff from her dad too, I doubt it's a jealousy thing. I expect it's either a boundary thing or like someone else suggested, a "deserving" thing.

For another person's boundaries: If I forgot something when I go to visit my sister, I'll use her deodorant or moisturizer, but I sure wouldn't take it home with me. I used to ask, but she told me not to bother asking, just go ahead and use whatever I needed. I'll use my BF's razor in a pinch, but wouldn't use my dad's. My SM had a perfume that I liked when I lived with her, so once in awhile I'd ask to use it. She never told me not to bother asking, so I kept asking. I also asked to use a lipstick of my SM's last year, and she decided it looked nicer on me, so she asked if I would like to keep it. I said OK and it came home with me.

I also really like the idea of giving her a basket of her own stuff. Maybe get her to email a list of the toiletries she'll need before the next time she comes home? You can DH can go pick them up in advance and tell her that if she needs something other than what was on her list, please ask to use it.
One risk with that though, I remember the Christmas list fiasco, so I'd be concerned that she'd have an extensive list of fancy items and demand those precise items.... maybe it's still worth a try!

ceph, on the list thing, thats a great idea...maybe you could preface it with, I have $25.00 (or whatever) to buy you what you need, make me a list that is within this budget, anything else, you can pay for. Great idea.

thanks ceph. Lists are useless. She has baskets and lists and whatever, but she still uses whatever she wants. She just doesn't give it a thought-she also leaves lights one and fans on and doors unlocked, it is just overall her ways. Oh yeah Christams lists. haha This DD is not as demanding. Older DD is the one with crazy demands. This one is a bit more reasonable.

FD, you seem like a reasonable person, and it seems like you have tried all the obvious. At least she is away at college most of the time. I think all you can do is ask SO to bring this up every time she comes over. And I would ask him to email/call her re the shirt immediately. You can suggest he do so nicely (like possible when you were doing laundry you picked up a shirt that wasnt yours)

Hi finedreams, I had the identical thing happen to me with SD and SS. They both lived with us in there late teens and early twenties while in high school and college. They would take whatever they wanted. I lost silverware, dishes, potholders, drinking glasses, hair products, towels, blankets, personal care products, toliet paper, the lists goes on and on. One time SS (17 years old at the time) announced to DH and myself "I'm going to mom's and I'm taking tolietpaper (while he held a roll of tolietpaper up for us to see) because she is low on tolietpaper." Wow, I was so in shock I didn't say a word and DH said nothing. After he left I told DH that had to stop. DH said nothing.
Another time DH and myself were in our bedroom sleeping and were planning to leave on a trip early in the morning. We had our luggage packed in our bedroom. SS arrives home at 12:30 AM and sneaks into our bedroom and starts going through my luggage. I believe he must have been looking for my contact solution. DH had given him money to go purchase some a couple day prior and reminded him twice. SS choose not to get any but instead was digging through my luggage. I was shocked again.

I believe alot of my kitchen items went to BM house because she went through a second divorce and her second husband took some of the kitchen items. I believe SS felt sorry for her so decided he would take my things (which were my items before marrying DH) to help mom out. He never asked DH or myself and did it sneakingly. A couple of the beautiful potholders that disappeared were handmade by my grandmother that she gave me before she died. I wish now I would of hid them. I had them in the back of the potholder cabinet and rarely used. I was so very frustrated.

When they lived with us as adults I purchased twice as much personal care products. Frequently, I would go to use my shampoo, contact solution, lotion, dental floss, etc. and I would be out or it was gone. I tried talking to DH about it but he did nothing.

So, what I did was take my large suitcase with a lock on it and placed items that where important to me and locked them up. It was a hassle to go unlock the suitcase if I needed something, but it stopped the disappearing items.

This was a few year ago and they no longer live with us, but it still gets me upset to this day when I think about. Because of this I do not want the step kids alone in our home. Just a couple weeks ago SS was home from college and in our house alone for only one hour while DH and I went to church. Well, another expensive item disappeared. DH was looking for it the other day and couldn't find it. He called SS and yes he had it. I always thought how inconsiderate these kids were and I resent DH for not saying anything. I do not trust either one on them.

I believe they think we owe them. I feel that the way they have treated me, I owe them nothing.

Hi Finedreams. I can relate to your situation, but my situation has a twist. My SD lived with us between her 1 and 2 years at college. Given what I found she took, she clearly went through all of my drawers, bathroom, jewelry box, etc. Unfortunately for me, my SD and I are the same size in everything! Shoes, bras, clothes.....(my friend commented that I should be flattered that a 19 y/o girl wanted to wear my clothes!). Anyway, she hid them so that I wouldn't find them...under the bed, in her car, etc. We confronted her time and again and she lied about having them. The night before she left for school I went through her suitcases to make sure that nothing of mine was moving away with her....and I found household items that had sentimental value (a knitted pillow from her grandmother, a mug with a drawing her brother made when he was very young). Anyway, I didn't view this as borrowing (as she calls it), but stealing. Lord knows what drove her for this-- jealousy, entitlement, pathology, who knows. Problem is that I have a very difficult time ever trusting her again (while my husband is reaching out to her, I'm hoping that she will keep her distance......I know, bad SM). Anyway, in your case, it does sound like she thinks everything is fair game -- which may be fine for using stuff, but the taking it is absolutely positively wrong.

My husband didn't quite "get it" until I forced him to understand how it felt...that summer my nephews had spent a lot of time with us at our shore house, so I said to him "how would you feel if after they left you realized that you had things that were missing....." Guess what? I could see by the look on his face that he finally GOT it! Can you try to help him understand in this way -- even think about things he needs/uses and askhow he would feel reaching for it only to find it missing?

Anyway, I like the idea of a basket of stuff. But I do think that your husband owes you the courtesy of a discussion with his daughter to make her understand that removing items from your house without your permission is STEALING. Or, if she doesn't see that, then in your opinion you consider it stealing.....because it is taking someone else's property wihtout asking or intent to return it.

thanks everybody for all your advice. As much as I wish to deny it I have a strong suspision that if our relationship will go sour it would be
because of his daughters. It is not about using somebody else's stuff, it is overall respect. I don't think BF fully understands.

FD, I thought of you today, I was at home depot looking for a hook to hange my hair blower on, and I thought, well at least I dont have to buy a chain from hook to hairblower.