fleurs gardener, We have talked before on this site and Yes I feel the same way you do. My stomach always becomes upset when the SD 25 and SS 21 come around. The reason for this is because they always come with demands, money needs, requests that effect and shake up our marriage, things like having DH meet up with single women, etc. It always causes trouble in our relationship. Even when they call on the phone I become anxious due to the fact I know they are wanting something that will in turn effect DH and my relationship.
You are not alone. I do not have the answers. Just recently I read the book Step Wars which helped a little, but the feelings are still there. Probably because I can change my behavior but that does not mean the stepkids will change theirs. It is hard. Try reading some self help books and keep very busy. Knowledge can be rewarding.

sunnygardenerme,

Thank you so much for your reply. I was hoping to hear from you. I felt a little sad, alone and anxious yesterday and I was a little disappointed that no one was commenting my post. So your comments are doubly appreciated this morning.

Thank you also for the book suggestion. I will definitely look into getting this book and in fact I will try to do so right this morning.

Being treated like I just don't exist in my stepdaughter's eyes and that my opinions don't matter, and that both of them thinking that whatever they discuss or agree on has no consequences on my life or my relationship with DH, is what really, really bothers me! I plan to talk once again to DH about my feelings, but I am more determined than ever this time to stick to my guns and to treat her the same way she treats me. Like i don't exist. And if DH has anything to say about it, i will make sure that i tell him once again that alot of this is his own fault. If he had showed her very earlier on to have respect towards me, she would have some today.

Have a nice day sunnygarderme.
Keep posting.

Well I have no advice for you because I feel like I'm going to be in the same position! My SD is 19 and on her way to becoming like yours (though she'll have a college education -- she can't hold a job or anything else -- she got fired from an 8 hour a week job at college!). Anyway, the only thing I can recommend is talking to husband and ensuring that he understands how you feel and how there needs to be a line drawn with her or she will impact your marriage. He has to understand that it is serious and extremely important to you....you do not have to sit back and take it (did you ever see the Stepparents Bill of Rights? I have to find it -- I once sent it to my SD and her mother....to show that I do have a say in my house and over my (our) money....etc.)

Anyway, have to run, but I'll find that and send it to you later today!

jerseymom,
Thank you so much for your post. I have never heard about that bill of rights for stepparents but it sure sounds interesting and I am looking forward to reading it.

I have found in my 18 years as a stepparent, that there is very little to read out there on the subject of stepparenting. There is definitely more today than lets say five years ago, but still. Many years ago, I was even tempted to write to different television shows to discuss the subject of stepparenting and to present people who were living it.

No one knows how difficult it is unless you live it.

and jersymom, yes I plan to talk to DH pretty soon once again about how I feel about his daughter, his attitude towards me about her and how all of this is having an impact on our relationship. These discussions won't be new, but one thing that is different this time, is that I've really, really decided to simply take her out of my life. Enough is enough!

Keep posting.

Here it is! I'm going to do a separate post with it as the title for anyone else to see, plus the website!

I LOVE THIS AND LIVE BY IT!!!! (my husband told me he supports me in all this too!)

Stepmother's Bill of Rights
You're angry, confused, depressed. You think you're alone - but you're one of millions of women married to men with children. As the stepmother, you've taken responsibility for making it all work out - but it isn't. As a woman and a wife, you're feeling resentful, powerless and deeply disappointed. Compromise and compassion are no longer the solution. Starting now, you need to set some rules; your own Bill of Rights.

I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

Thank you jerseystepmom,

I've already read it three times. LOVE IT!

I feel like i have better words now to describe to DH how I feel about the entire stepparenting situation and how it needs to work between us.

I will no longer let myself me treated as an outsider!

Merci.

De rien!

I felt the same way -- it really sort of validated how I was feeling -- I just never said it so eloquently! Especially when the ex "doesn't understand why SHE has so much say in these things"!!! I said "I have your 15 y/o son full-time under my care" and....."read this and you'll know why I have so much say!" and I sent it to her! We are NOT outsiders.....and we do have a right to expect these basic things from our new family (whether they like that we're now a "family" or not!)

good luck!