is that the same guy who said he wished the mother of his child died because she didn't return couple of hundreds of dollars that he gave her in time of need? nice....

"The baby seemed to really enjoy having someone there to just play with her and not be a 'parental authority'."

i am confused...isn't your BF her father? so how isn't he "parental"? and if he is not "parental" then what is good about it? why is a week the longest she spent with her father?

now how does she know your phone number? why?

somebody overheard her saying something about you..this is gossiping.

i might be wrong here but are you really young? like young 20s? am i right? it sounds like you like drama and want to be in the middle of all this. you aren't even married, don't know his child that much, but act like you must be in a middle of all this drama.

disengage.

I think your fears have good reason to be, you've been given a year free of contact with BM (as has your BF) but during this year unless something major changes for BM it's really just giving her a year to maybe hate you and resent you even more than she does now, just now she can't display that anger physically or verbally towards BF or you.

As far as the friends and overhearing, pass on getting repeats of the encounters, it will just fuel the fire. Act as if the 'no contact' pertains to you too and have no contact with BM, she's not your friend and she has no intentions of being. Remember this BM has mental issues and does not take her meds on routine basis.

I'm still every concerned about BF's anger management issues though. Is he required to take any management courses/counseling?

finedreams - when I said it was a week with the baby, I meant ME. My BF has 50/50 custody of his daughter. And again, when saying parental authority, I meant ME. Obviously I'm not going to be a parental authority to this child, as I am not her parent. She is still so young and she is not in daycare and my BF does not know many people in the same situation that he is in, so the baby doesn't have many playmates, so like I said, I think she enjoyed having someone there, ME, who wasn't a parent and would just play with her.
-I have on thing to say to you, ma'am - "Do not judge lest ye be judged in return." Think about it. People, including me, come here for advice, not to be judged. The only person who will ever judge me is God, and I doubt He is lingering on this forum.

justmetoo - I sincerely hope my ignoring of her message sent HER a message to leave me be. I really wish there was some way I was on that order as well, so she could be content to make herself miserable and not try to bring me down. And no, my BF was not required to take any anger management, but he sought it on his own. He is now seeing a therapist who he also does anger management counseling with. Like I said in the original post, it's been really effective with BM not being able to contact him, because now he realizes just what an effect she and her moods had on him, and how it just brought out the worst in him and his behavior. He has been absolutely model concerning the no-contact order. They attend the same local school and there have been a couple of times he has seen her on campus with the baby and though it hurts him not to be able to hug his own daughter, he simply walks away and makes sure they have special daddy-daughter time the next time he gets her.

I know that this is a situation that from the outside probably looks very different than it does form the inside. I must say I agree with many posters, I came here looking for advice from those older and wiser. Instead, I have been judged, harshly, and it makes me nervous to even post anything. I think everyone on here should take a good long look in the mirror and think - have you ever needed advice on something? I'm sure you have, hence why you're here. Now think about if someone responded rudely, harshly, and judgmentally to you. It doesn't feel so nice, does it?

Maybe it's idealistic of me, but I still operate under the Golden Rule - treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated.

Everyone has opinions, some worthwhile, some not. But it's part of the deal when posting on a public forum. You may get nuggets of good wisdom and useful advice or you may get a butt kicking. It's the risk you take.

I love the saying.
If someone insults you laugh it off.
If you cant laugh it off ignore it.
If you cant ignore it then you probably deserved it.

Enjoy your BF's daughter. Babies are a blessing. And such a joy. I miss mine being little. Maybe grandbabies in a few years. Fingers crossed.

Wonderful to hear, smashley, that BF is going to sessions to learn how to deal with everything, and best part to hear he wanted to do this on his own. I hope things go well for him and that now that he can have no contact with BM he has a real chance of overcoming and becoming a good father, husband and overall healthy adjusted adult.

If BM continues to contact/harass you, remember to take legal measures to protect yourself, while you might not be included in this order, you can file for one of your own if she threatens/stalks you in any way.

Smashley, if BM is calling you, just blow her off. It's just too much drama, investment of time plus money to get in to the restraining order every time something happens. This is one of those times to just let it go. If she calls again, just excuse yourself or hang up. In the case of the apology, if it happens again say "Thanks" "gotta go" and then go. It will just cause problems to do more.

I think it's great that you and the baby enjoyed each other so much. Little kids can be so much fun although I wouldn't read too much in to how she was, like w/o "parental authority." I mean, she's only 2 and 2 is really a baby still! Notice the diapers she is still wearing. Spend more time with her, have fun, don't read or put too much in to it. You and really, everyone else will feel better.

"...it just showed me that she ISN'T her mom who has been ridiculously cruel to me in the past and showed potential for growth...."

I'm glad you realize the child is not her mother. Too many people cannot separate the kids from their dislike for their parents and the kids get (inadvertently) punished, especially once the kids start imitating their parents and it's obvious that little Jenny is acting J U S T like her BM and OMG it is SOOOOO irritating. Or vice versa.

As for the Best Friend's Friend telling you gossip... as much as it may hurt you MUST ignore it. Nothing good can come of you listening to that kind of information. Tell the gossip hounds "thank you for telling me but I'm really not concerned with what she has to say about me" and then change the subject. Talk about how hurt/irritated/what a beyotch BM is to your very best friend in private and leave it at that. Don't feed her fire.

Document, and move on. If she contacts you, tell her "I don't really feel comfortable being the go-between for you and BF".

I can't remember how old you are... I was involved with a man who had a daughter age 2-3 when I was in my early 20's... looking back, it was WAY too much drama for someone so young. It's easy to fall in love with a father with a young child... they're so cute, the both of them! But when it doesn't work out, you have just made an impression on a very sensitive young mind. Please keep that in mind no matter what you do. You can't possibly understand what their history is, no matter how many years you've been with him.

Until you have divorced with a young child yourself I don't think it is possible to understand the intricacies of what causes people to break that bond and how there really seldom is a "right" and "wrong", there just are so many shades of gray that overlap.

Being the new GF/BF to someone divorced with a young child it is tempting to jump in with both feet, supporting them (mentally/emotionally, financially) and it's understandable to be "on their side". But there is a reason they broke up, and 10 to 1 it's not entirely the fault of the "crazy" Ex.

I'm not saying your BF was at fault, I'm just saying to stay neutral in the matters of his ex-wife/baby mama. It will be a lot less painful in the long run. Keep your eyes open. Be there as a GF, and as a responsible, caring, loving adult for the baby. But DO NOT take his issues with her on as your own.

That's my advice. From someone who has been there, done that. And, BTW, I LOVED that young father and his little girl. I took on everything... poor him, to have to deal with her! I'm stable! I'm responsible! I'm a "good" woman! Let me PROVE it! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.... and he was all too willing for me to take that on. Lesson? Don't wrestle with pigs, you'll end up dirty, and the pigs are enjoying themselves!

silversword - I 100% understand everything you're saying. And I can look back and admit that at the beginning of our relationship, I wanted to take on absolutely everything. I'm a nurturer by nature, and great! here's a situation I can take care of. In fact - it made things worse. I didn't focus enough on me and what I'm doing, and my BF felt babied. So, now, it is MUCH more equitable and feels a lot more grown up - we both have things we handle separately, but we each know that we can call one another and that a shoulder is always there; case in point, my father and I have a very rocky relationship and for the longest time, I just held it all inside. But slowly, I have come to lean on my boyfriend for support during the really hard times, and he doesn't build me back up...but he let's me build MYSELF back up and he's my spotter.

The week I spent with the baby was amazing...but I do know that at 19 (soon to be 20) it's tooooo much to handle every day, but its nice to slowly start dipping my feet into the pool to learn what I may be getting myself into down the road. Plus, I'm a total nerd and LOVE having a chance to see the theories I'm learning in my Developmental Psych classes in this little girl. and my BF enjoys having me on the outside so when he needs perspective on any situation concerning the baby, for example...when he saw his daughter on campus, but she was with BM so he couldn't say hi, he called me to ask how to make the next time they were together more special, and I advised taking the day just to them, going to the park, and letting her have some ice cream (she LOVES ice cream...it's a special treat for her) and he called me later and said she LOVED it :)

I've just washed my hands clean of BM and the situation. I ignored her, and she hasn't contacted me again. The message she asked me to pass to my BF has been documented. And I just tune out whenever someone tries to spread gossip. I act as if I'm on that order too and don't engage her so she won't engage me.

and UPDATE! Yesterday, my boyfriend received a text message from who we think is BMs EX-fiance. It said "You must be one patient man to put up with BM for three years. I hope she f**ks up again so you can save your daughter." Again, my BF documented it and sent it to his lawyer. He's slowly but surely building a case to make sure that the baby is in the best hands possible.

I don't doubt that BM loves the baby. But its just very clear she's too immature to put the well-being of the baby over her jealousy issues and need for revenge :/

"...its just very clear she's too immature to put the well-being of the baby over her jealousy issues and need for revenge..."

Well.... how do I put this? MOST "adult parents" are not mature enough to put things aside for the well-being of the baby. I forget exactly what your BF did, but from what I can remember he didn't take the high road either. No judgment... this is part of human nature. And if he is capable now of this kind of behavior, goodness knows what the two of them did for drama when they were together.

I don't want to be snide or condescending, ageist, etc.... But having married, gone to college, sat in many a marriage counselor's office, sat in independent therapy offices, been divorced, been an almost-SM, dealt with BM's both as a SM and as a GF, gotten remarried, raising my daughter, dealing with the EXhubby relationship as well as his relationship as Bio-dad to my DD...

well. reading your quote above just made me shake my head. I remember being 19. I personally saw the world much more black and white. I personally thought I was a lot more mature than I was. Don't judge this woman until you have walked a mile in her shoes. The baby is 2? I didn't get over my post-partum depression until my DD was two. I cannot explain what that was like. I have a tiny bit of empathy for "crazy" women with children under five. Again, I'm trying not to judge you. It appears to me that you seem to think you are (a)a little bit better than BM and (b) a little bit smarter than BM and (c) a little more capable than BM and (d) this is all perfectly normal BUT! While I hope you never have to be a BM with a baby and an EX with a new GF who is young and pretty and smart and thinks she is more mature than you there is probably no way you could ever understand this BM until you were in her position. And psychology is often not worth the paper on which it's written. Don't analyze the poor child. She's a unique little human, not some college experiment. Just cause you read the parenting book doesn't mean you have the hands-on qualifications.

Of course you're going to do what you're going to do even if I did tell you my honest opinion that you shouldn't be involved with a man who has a child at 19 (almost 20!) you should be learning about you and developing your life not dabbling in the very real world this little girl has to grow within. You seem to genuinely like this little girl and want to do good by her. Nothing wrong with dipping your toes in. But remember, she's going to have to swim in that pool for the rest of her life. Try not to get it dirty.

Well, not to be rude, but your attempts at not being snide or condescending didn't really work.

Maybe I haven't walked in her shoes, but I sure do know people that have. My own mother, after giving birth to me and my sister and moving from her home new New York to Atlanta for my father who then divorced her and immediately married someone else, has behaved with much more decorum than this BM. My own friend is now a mother at 20 and has ten times the maturity and sanity than this BM. And I wouldn't blame her in the slightest if she had postpartum depression that made her act this way...however she has manic depression and is not compliant with her medication. That, I do blame her for. It's very, very obvious when BM has taken her medication and when she hasn't.

And you know what, both my BF and I know that he to is immature to be taking on such an adult role. But he puts forth the effort to grow up quickly. BM had nine months to prepare for this baby. My BF had two weeks...yes, up until two weeks prior to the birth, the plan was adoption. They had picked out a family and everything. So I think he's done a great job for having two weeks to prepare for having to take care of a new life.

"It appears to me that you seem to think you are (a)a little bit better than BM and (b) a little bit smarter than BM and (c) a little more capable than BM"

I don't see myself as better than her, but I do see myself as having been raised with better values than her. I'm sorry, but if I had a baby right now, you can bet your butt that I wouldn't be going out acting like I was a 21 year old with no responsibilities. I wouldn't be wasting my money covering every inch of my body with tattoos instead of saving that money to make sure my child had everything she needed as opposed to expecting my parents to take care of it. I mean, every spare dollar my BF has goes into his daughters piggy bank. We counted it recently. There's over $200 in it. And the main thing - I wouldn't be introducing people I was dating to my child after only having been together for a month. Countless men have come in and out of baby's life on her part. Spit on psychology or not, it's pretty much a common fact that those actions can impact a child and their attachments later in life.

BM is quite smart. Apparently she did amazingly well in high school, and started out OK at college but wasn't compliant with her medication and her grades fell because she became too wrapped up in her emotional state. As I'm in college as well, I understand the stress and I don't doubt her academic intelligence.

And as for capability, I know that at 19, what my BF and BM are having to do would not be my first choice. However, from the examples set for me by the strong women I'm surrounded with and the values I have, I know I wouldn't make some of the choices she has - like constantly leaving the baby with her mom/my BFs father with whom he's estranged, so she can go out and party, and continually bringing new men around the baby.

And as for not having the hands on qualifications - well, thanks. I may not have given birth, but I doubt you have been a live-in nanny to special needs twins - one of which had an oxygen tank and feeding tube. I think that prepared me a lot for when the day comes that I decide to have a child. And I also think it says something that my BF will ask both me and my mom for advice in certain parenting situations. He's very clear that she's not my daughter, but he truly trusts my judgment.

I know I may be young. But I think it says something when my 52 year old mother tells me I'm ten times the adult my 24 year old sister is. And I also think, just like you say I shouldn't judge BM, you shouldn't judge me. I feel like if I came in here as a 30 year old and said any of this, I would be received much better. Hello, ageism! Maybe you should think back to this time and have some compassion.

I'm sure you're a great parent and stepparent. I hope when your child comes to you at my age with an issue that you can show a bit more compassion to her than you have to me.

"I may not have given birth, but I doubt you have been a live-in nanny to special needs twins - one of which had an oxygen tank and feeding tube. I think that prepared me a lot for when the day comes that I decide to have a child."

Nothing prepares you for having your own child. It is different than any kind of nannying, babysitting or even step-parenting. I'm not knocking your experience with children but please don't kid yourself than being a live-in nanny (and for how long could this have been, as you are only 19?) prepares you for having children. Having children is MUCH more than "giving birth." That's just the tip of the iceberg!

In regards to silversword's comments, I truly don't believe she meant anything bad by them. I think she was trying to give you some wisdom and advice from someone who's been in your shoes, and has a little bit more life experience. She is right, by the way. At 19, you just can't possibly have the life experience/maturity that would enable you to look at the situation you're in clearly. And guess what? It's OKAY that you don't! You're NINETEEN!!!! You're not SUPPOSED to have that! This is the time in your life to delve into yourself and figure out who YOU are and what YOU want. Enjoy your classes, study hard, go to clubs, go to parties and LIVE. I promise you one day you will look back on these exciting years with a nostalgia you never expected; and if you stay involved, at 19, with a man that has a TWO YEAR OLD and all the drama that goes with that.....well....I think you'll regret it.

I am 29. My daughter is 7, almost 8. I had her when I was a junior in college and it was the toughest, most beautiful thing I've ever done. I don't regret anything pertaining to HER for a second!

BUT I regret getting involved with her father. You want to know why? He was 23 and had a 2 year old. And there I was, 20 when we met, and I was thrust into the mom role with his daughter. There was drama, and it was tough, and ooops, then I was pregnant and it was even worse.

IThe early-to-mid-twenties should be a time for self-exploration, for college and starting out in a career, for living with roommates, and learning how to be an adult. Don't jip yourself out of what should be a FANTASTIC time in your life! I think that is partly what silver was trying to say.

I see that I was right that you are a very young girl. decisions you make are typical for a very young person.

My DD is 22 and graduates college this summer. I pray she never gets involved with anyone who wishes a parent of their child dead (or anyone dead for that matter) or anyone who threatens a parent of their child if they don't return borrowed money or actually threatens anyone for any reasons. Do your parents know and what do they say about all of this? I would probably have to lie to my parents because otherwise they would have a heart attack.

Yes, my parents know everything. We have a very open relationship because I know I can talk to them, especially my mother. She has the gift of being able to disagree with me, or be disappointed in me without making me feel like a failure. Unlike you, finedreams. I mean, clearly you have never said anything you regret. Ever. Because of how harsh you are. You know what my mom tells me? Mistakes remind us just how human we are. Clearly, finedreams, you are a robot. So really, just shut up. And maybe that makes me sound young...but it's the truth. If/when your child makes a decision like mine, feel free to make him/her feel like a failure. I'm sure they'll really appreciate it.

See, you all continually say "you have a choice! you should be choosing to be a crazy fun college girl"

Yes. I'd love to be a crazy fun college girl. The one that gets arrested. Or date raped. Or cheated on because he boyfriend is being a "fun loving college boy" What about my BF? Does he get a choice in who he chooses to be with? Or should he settle for less because I "deserve" to be having "the time of my life"?

I'm with someone who pretty much worships the ground I walk on. He provides me with emotional support and unconditional love. We both have baggage that could fill the state of Texas. But we make each other the best versions of ourselves. And I can't and won't apologize for that.

I won't be posting on here anymore. Everyone here needs to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourselves if it was your child coming to you with this problem, is that how you would react? If so, I feel truly sorry for them.

Smashley,
The first time you posted on this forum, I was impressed with your seeming intelligence and openness to suggestions about your situation. I wish I hadn't read the exchanges you engaged in in this post, because I now see you as simply a 19-year-old girl who is in love with having a boy friend. This boyfriend who you view as almost saintly has way too much baggage and it's only likely to get worse if you continue in this fantasy of being everything he and his little girl need to be happy. If you were my daughter coming to me for advice, I would wonder why you didn't feel you deserved much more in life than a relationship like this!!

Smashley, take the judgements with a grain of salt. You write better at 19 than most of the "older" people on here. Live your life the way you want to & the way you're happiest. As far as posters saying you like drama.....who doesn't have drama? From elem school to being in the workplace, drama! It's how we deal with it that defines us.
And the issue that keeps getting brought up re what your BF said....really? Because NOT one person on this forum has said something they shouldn't have & that's out of line. Or thought something & they're too afraid to admit it. These people are not walking in your shoes & shouldn't be judging.
I do get on here & read but rarely post for advice because the last time I did it was ridiculous. I posted frustration re SD(9yr) not using manners(ever), thank you's & please. I was asked how many times I expected her to use these words. Common sense dictates that answer.
I'm glad you had a good time with your BF's daughter. Wishing you the best!

pfft, sassymom, it was me who asked 'I was asked how many times I expected her to use these words' and with good reason as your SD has ADHD. Actually 'common sense' for a person dealing with a child with ADHD child would 'dictate' the caregiver research and learn what is realistic in their expectations and how to work with the child and how to appreciate and encourage. As an ADD person and the mother of ADD/ADHD children for 30 plus years I could see in your previous posting you speak of that you had a long way to go in understanding and beginning to actually help that child in using and remembering manners. But instead a direct question bruised your buns.

Really, why do persons come to a forum and then get all hissy hissy when they do not get the support and/or advice they hope to find? Seriously, ever hear 'when everybody is wrong and you're right, it might be time to wonder who is really seeing the bigger picture and correct'.

The ladies here are trying to read and respond to smashley, some of the advice may be helpful, some not, and some of the advice just might not be what the poster wants to hear, kinda the chance one takes when one posts on a forum when they lay out their issues and ask for opinions/advice.

Obviously a court issuing a mutual 'no contact' order took what was said as serious enough to demand a cooling off period, which would show something more than striking the incident up to 'just saying something one should not have said or out of line'. I said above I'm glad BF has decided to attend sessions to deal with the issues in his life. I said it, I meant it, I don't think I have to walk in the posters shoes to think from what she has posted here in her several posting is a normal healthy lifestyle...but then that is what one gets when posting on forums for comments/thoughts/opinions they get responses from people who read what is actually written in the post.

smashley,

My mother got married at 19. Now, I don't think she ever regretted doing that, that's what people did in her generation. She was 19,my father was 22. They finished college together, lived in married student housing and went on to be together for half a century.

That being said, I don't agree that you are too young to be a mother, even a mother to your BF's 2 year old. The real question to ask yourself is do you REALLY want to do that? Try keeping the two year old for a couple of weeks on your own and then see how you feel. I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean tell your BF to set that up with BM for real so you can see what it means to be with that child 24/7 for at least 14 days.

I think your nannying experience probably has helped to prepare you for motherhood but nothing really does that except being a mother. I didn't have a lot of experience with kids until I had mine other than babysitting and boy, I was not ready! But like everyone else, I learned on the job. And in this situation, you have a BM on and off her medications to deal with for as long as you are married (assuming you get married) to this man and are involved with their child. As I'm writing this I'm realizing I said this to you before.

After reading the posts on this forum, you should know that being a SM is one the hardest, most thankless roles you may ever play in life. If you don't know it yet, read some more of the posts!!! Read the SM stories and the BM answers on this board. The frustration, the hurt feelings, the lack of appreciation, the conflicts...you don't have to do it at 19 or if you are smart EVER.

That's wonderful that your BF loves you so much and you love him. BUT, maybe, just keep him as your BF. A fun, young BF if he can be that with so much responsibility already. You don't have to, and shouldn't, take on his family issues and a BM on and off her medications with a toddler is a big family issue. You've read some of my story, pay attention!! Your happiness with the baby will not just be about how great a SM you are or are not, BM will be in the mix, her relatives, BF (and who knows what kind of dad he will turn in to over time), the baby herself as she grows older with mixed emotions and loyalties plus any other kids who come along. You are obviously a smart young lady. Be smart here.

"After reading the posts on this forum, you should know that being a SM is one the hardest, most thankless roles you may ever play in life. If you don't know it yet, read some more of the posts!!! Read the SM stories and the BM answers on this board. The frustration, the hurt feelings, the lack of appreciation, the conflicts...you don't have to do it at 19 or if you are smart EVER."

YES, YES, YES. Lamom said this very well.

I don't think anyone is telling you to go out and be a "fun loving college girl" and get "date raped" or whatever else you said. I was one of the ones telling you to enjoy this time in your life; by that, I truly meant that this is a time when you should be developing your own sense of identity and self. You are obviously intelligent, motivated and mature; I never said you were NOT mature. BUT I still stand by my belief that, no matter HOW mature you may be for your 19 years, you simply do not have the wisdom and life experience/maturity that comes with age. There is just no way you could. And I hate to see you put yourself in a situation where you are taking on so much baggage and drama. Lamom is right in that, it doesn't matter HOW much you love this little toddler, or how great of a SM you are. If this BM is as cuckoo as you say she is, then there will always be issues because of her. She will ALWAYS be on the outskirts of your life and sometimes, she will come much further than that! It's relatively simple now because the little girl is still really a baby; but wait until she's older and is put in the middle, wait until her BM is trying to turn her against you or even her father. It will happen, and, unfortunately, your love and devotion may not be enough.

I know it's easy to sit there now and think that THIS MAN is the man for you. And who knows? MAYBE HE IS. But I will tell you, when I was 19, I was in college and I was dating a 26 year old who I thought was THE ONE. I was CRUSHED when he broke up with me. Absolutely crushed. Looking back, I can clearly see that I didn't have the *perspective* that I am able to have now. I'm telling you, as you age and gain more life experience, you are able to see things in a different light. I know when I was 19 and that breakup happened, I didn't want to listen to my parents or even friends who tried to tell me there were "other fish in the sea." I just couldn't see it at that point.

You're young, and there are SO MANY men out there without the issues your BF has. I'm certainly not telling you to break up with him, nor am I even telling you it won't work out between you. But you need to lose the rose colored glasses and the notion that life is so black and white, that BM is "all bad" and your BF is "all good" and that everything will be "peachy keen" because this little baby girl is cute and you like her. It's a heck of a lot more complicated than that, so just take it SLOW and don't put yourself in a situation where you take on more than you should.

And yes, if you were my daughter, I would be saying the same thing.

I do know about ADD/ADHD as I have it! I was taught to say please/thank you/no thank you & to mind my manners. Wasn't an issue my parents had with me growing up! Allowing children to use that as an excuse is not ok. She does this with me & her grandparents who allow it. She has been treated by her family as if she can't do anything but what a 2yr old can do & she's almost 10.They do everything for her instead of teaching her(this does include bathroom stuff).Yuck!
It did not "bruise my buns", common sense dictates that when she asks for something she says please & says thank you upon receiving it.

Smashley, I think what others are trying to say, because most posters who come here have been to hell and back with their Ex-husbands or Ex-wives, and have had a lot of trouble blending a family with step-kids and their own kids, and they are really trying to "shield" you from all that. You are the same age as some poster's children, and they are trying to "protect" you I think, from being hurt, from suffering. As long as you try to think with your head and not your heart, it will be ok, but that's really hard to do....Many (((hugs))))

hmmm, seems I hit another nerve there, sassymom. The point was in the teaching. I responded to what you actually wrote when you posted. And if as you now claim you have ADD and/or ADHD then you should well know that not all persons of such have it equally and different treatments/medications can help some and it takes time and great amount of patience and lots and lots of reminding and praises and encouragement. I never said ADD/ADHD could not learn and should not be expected to use manners and for the record, you never answered my direct question at the time it was asked, you took offense by it, assumed you *knew* the whys I asked it and struck me up to be a believer in non-mannered children and obviously now assume I excuse away and let the disorder be a crutch. You have a closed mind to the disorder and until you realize that and honestly work with the child and use consistency in your goals and methods and include lots of praise and encouragement, you might as well just beat your had on a wall. Perhaps instead of putting blame on her grandparents, maybe try encouraging the grandparents to educate themselves on the issue and to join ADD/ADHD support groups where they can learn and begin to understand. Comparing yourself and what/how things are for *you* as your basis for understanding and dealing with yet another child/adult with ADD/ADHD shows you're not on board the journey to actually teaching and helping the child yet. We're all individuals and it affects in different degrees and those affected can be taught and learn according to the degree of consistency, reminders, patience, praise and it success will weight partly on degree of disorder, any other environmental issues surrounding the 'learner' ect.

But hey, strike my 2 cents up to me being a non-common sense idiot just trying to judge you and bash you if you please, makes no difference to me.

I see nothing wrong in marrying and having children young. i had DD at 21 and ex was 20, we were both married and still in college and working, but we didn't have drama, we planned a child, we lived pretty boring life in terms of no partying or wish each other dead. I see nothing wrong with having children young, i actually like that but there are other ways of doing it such as no drama and more maturity. also being in college doesn't mean crazy partying, i never partied and my DD is not party girl either.

college girls arrested, date raped/ what kind of college girls are you hanging out with? stay away from from these type of people.

you come across in your last posts as very dramatic, and I see now why you are attracted to a boy-friend with drama.

Just~you didn't hit a nerve, you didn't even pay attention to what I posted. She WON'T use manners with me or grandparents. Because they allow that behavior & she's having a pissing contest with me. Did you miss the part where they take care of her bathroom stuff? I wasn't talking about brushing teeth. And grandparents won't go to support groups or encourage her to have any independence.
I wasn't referring to an ADHD issue I was asking for advise with the "you're my stepmom,I won't do anything you ask" issue. Here's an example: last night her dad & I sat down to talk to her about the house rules, expectations,charts we put up again to HELP her(which she asked for). When I was talking she flipped me off!ADHD? Nooooo....a stepmom issue.
That's why I asked for help on a stepparent forum and it went full circle back to ADHD.We have tried every single thing that has been advised for ADHD & I've been very patient for 3yrs.
As far as comparing myself to SD~my parents taught me coping skills,were very clear on what was acceptable & how to adust my life to not allow my "issues" to interfere with what would be expected as a grown up.I was always late getting ready for school,so I was woken up 10mins earlier.Still not enough time? 10 more mins. After getting ready, then I could do the other things that soooo distracted me.I wasn't diagnosed until 1 yr ago.Then,as my mother likes to say,I was just precocious.So my parents didn't have a label that led to an excuse for everything I did.I was held accountable for my actions.
Sorry for the hijack,it's the ADD! LOL!

Sassy, I understood in the posting you asked this question (poor smashley must think we're both the rudest people possible by now) and I did ask. I actually asked 'is it just you she won't use manners with'. And yes, I asked how often it is expected.

You reacted to my question on 'how often' (without answering it) and tuned out the rest of where I was going with my post. And it was your choice to today focus on the part of the previous posted thread of the part you either didn't like and/or get the points I was trying to clarify.

I'm 50 years old, sassy, I was 5 when first thought there was a problem as it was once I entered Kindergarden I did not like sitting still listening to the teacher droan on or had problems slowing back down and getting into learning mode right after recess (unconstructive period).

I never had problems with the please and thank-you, I never had problems with learning school work, but I had a consistent *teacher/s* (one mom, one dad, one home, no divorce issues, no stepsiblings, a quiet setting to be taught in on a consistent basis) and it truly makes a huge difference . In one of your posting you also said drs were looking into other issues on your SD and her behavior. Which was where I was trying to go in the post you took offense to by my questioning.

I like to clarify, that part comes from years of working with grievances and contract lanuage issues (it's what I do)but when I moved in to ask direct question of you, you chose to blow off where I was going with it. Which of course, did not bother me, but as you decided to bring up what you *think* I was saying/meaning here today in this post...well, here I am again and this time *you* are at least hearing what I am/was saying even though we've stolen smashley's thread.

Your stepdaughter has from the sounds of it, many different issues, not just ADHD, and she has many different *teachers* (you, dad, BM grandparents) all pulling this girl with different lessons (different homes, different consistency, different environment settings from place to place). The grandparents are not helping this child, and frankly the grandparents should be set down and told exactly that. They'd get a choice from me (your husband and BM in your case) that they have two picks 1) they sign up for group setting ADD/ADHD guidence classes and be willing to attend indivual counseling sessions on how to work with and deal with their granddaughter or 2) visitation will have to be limited as they are hindering any progress that might be being made with the child.

And sassy, as I said, you can't compare one child and their case to another child and their case (yours). I have ADD and have actually been able to put it to use in my adulthood as I can do multi things in multi directions and never miss a beat (unless one counts my typing, the fingers and thoughts don't always co-togehter). My sons have ADD, both function every well as young adults and have lots of responsibilty in their career choices, neither is medicated. My little girl has ADHD and it was a first for me, that 'H' is a whole another story.

She's smart as a whip, absorbs school very easy and excells at her work, but she takes Adderall during school hours. When she visits grandma's house, my mother handles her and teaches her very while, but then my mother dealt with me all those years ago.

My little one gets away with nothing that is expected and routine for other children, no crutches for her, but it is an on going thing. It does not bother me to tell her (and repeat repeat repeat) what chores ect. she has or what manners I best be seeing because they are not optional. Her school teachers have always made a point to tell me how well behaved and sweet and polite she is at school. But it's not been easy or quick to get these things installed in her. At home sometimes she's struggles on 'free time' and I have to repeat, encourage, repeat, and at times she's just being a stinker that has nothing to do with her ADHD. It's my job to see and know the difference.

I don't think I have suggested to you that you 'excuse' your SD's behavior or that she not be accountable because she has ADHD, but I am suggesting that you acknowledge the fact that the girl has a challenge and it takes a lot effort and understanding on the *teachers* part and in your case you have it extra hard as the girl is dealing with more than just ADHD and being bounced around with people who have decided to let the child be 'excused'. I think you've got to work on getting all the *teachers* on the same program before any real progress can be made.

I really do wish you all the best.