LADIES vs. REAL WOMEN

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me up.

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying down on the couch with your feet up anyway!

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy mashed potato mix in the box, and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead. There won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Women - Go straight to the bakery...they'll even decorate it for you!

Ladies - Brush some egg white over pie crusts before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not say a damn thing about brushing egg whites over anything, so don't do it!

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it!

Ladies - Your best friend is always there for you. She will even come and bail you out of jail.

Real Women - Your best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

Ladies - Don't throw out all the leftover wine...freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - What leftover wine?

^w^

I think this is PRICELESS!!

Single Goddess's Humor for Women
25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question, "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance is awaiting parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

A farmer in Indiana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."