Why? Because she doesn't grasp the concept of boundaries, and still perceives you as her little girl who "needs her help."

This is probably a fairly common problem, and I think the best way to deal with it is to politely tell her that your decor isn't open for discussion. Things are just as you want them -- your home is a comfort to you and your DH, and you aren't interested in making any changes. End of topic.

Good luck. Sometimes with meddling mamas, you've just gotta be firm. Kind, but firm.

I am a chicken $%@* :) I will have to do that though. I am currently tearing everything down because we are going to paint but when it goes back up I am sure it will be an issue. Firm but kind. Gotcha :)

I'm sure she probably thinks she is being "helpful". Thats what I tell myself anyhow ;). The real question is why does it get to us so much when our moms "voice their opinions"? I try and remind myself of that every time I do it to my own daughter. I don't know why she is so darn sensitive, I'm just trying to be helpful!

"Love ya Mom, but (insert hubby's name) and I make our decor decisions together. We're happy with things the way they are. They work for us."
She may be hurt for a bit, but in the end I think she'll realize you're right and forgive you. ;^) I know I would.

I have two children in their mid twenties that don't always do things the way I do. It's not always easy for me when I think they could have chosen to do things differently. But it's their life. They'll always be "my babies" to me, but they really are adults that are quite capable of making up their own minds.

If your Mom does read this thread, I hope she realizes you came to us because you love her and don't want to hurt her feelings.

Good Luck!

And why does my daughter come to my house and express her opinion about my decorating? I guess because we feel comfortable enough to tell each other what we love or NOT, but its ok...isn't that what we do here? Just tell Mom that you love it "my way" ---"Guess I'm just a Maverick!"

Amylville...."I don't know why she is so darn sensitive, I'm just trying to be helpful!" Oh boy do I know where you are coming from. I feel the same way at times with our daughter. Though not about decorating. We do quite well working together in that department. And clothing. It's the other stuff that some times drives me crazy. LOL

Sometimes I walk through my house and imagine the "comments" my mom would say--and if told that they were hurtful she would say "I was just being honest". Or "you are too sensitive". We have lived here 7 years and she has not been here (I have visited her in her state) and I finally feel that it would not upset me if she did visit and made her thoughtless comments..but it sure has taken a long time. So just know that you have company! However, if you have never told her, as I have my mom many times, then it really would be good just to say that you have things the way you want them and that it hurts your feelings when she makes suggestions.

I used to get really irritated when my mother would come over to my house and voice her opinion. I'd think, "I'm a grown woman with a husband and kids and my own house and she still treats me like I'm 2." I'd actually tense up when I knew she was coming over and suck down a glass of vodka when she left. It took me the longest time to just let it go.

What helped was knowing in my heart that she was really just trying to help. When she would say, "Honey have you stopped running, 'cause it looks like you've put on ten pounds," she meant - I love you and you know how hard it's been for me to lose weight. When she'd say, "Your ceiling fan's all dusty let me get there for you," she meant exactly that not what I had been hearing - you're a terrible housekeeper even though you don't have a real job.

I feel like since I've stopped reacting like her child and have moved into more of a friend like role with my mother, what she has to say really doesn't bug me. You know how your friends can say, "bangs, really? what were you thinking?" when you get a bad haircut. Now imagine your mom saying it. Kinda smarts, doesn't it. Just start thinking of her as your friend, the super-opinionated one and really you'll feel better.

Mom is entitled to the opinion. I would be upset if she came over when I wasn't there and started rearranging things.

Well I'd give anything for my mom to come to my house & voice her opinion - she passed away in Sept
So I guess i would say to enjoy that you/dh still have her and politely let her know that you can appreciate you & she have different styles

Does she have control issues? :)

If the comments are only about placement of things, I would invite her to rearrange it! 'Mom, here is a duster, change anything you want and dust while you are at it'.
You can always move things back. Maybe she has some nice ideas that might surprise you.

(Posted by threedgrad (My Page) on Mon, Jun 15, 09 at 19:39

Mom is entitled to the opinion. I would be upset if she came over when I wasn't there and started rearranging things. )

threedgrad: She has done this! Control issues - um yes! ha ha

I don't want to minimalize what you are feeling at ALL, however, I would be willing to bet that your mother has no clue she is making you feel the way she obviously is. Once my daughter confronted me about something I had said in passing. It wasn't anything I thought to be critical, but she perceived it that way and it broke my heart to know instead of "helping", I had actually hurt her feelings. Likewise a similar situation has happened between my mother and I. Wait until you aren't so hurt or upset, and then one day when you two are alone talk to her about it. Start the conversation with a gentle, Mom, you know I love you, but you really hurt my feelings when.... and that will not only get her attention, but her respect as well.

I had a boss once who taught me, intent and perception are too different things, it's not what you say, it's how you say it that matters.

Good Luck--Lukki

I have bad news for you. It doesn't end. Ever. My mom is 82 and I'm... well... over 40. ; )

Sidenote: she is a teetotaler and only found out 3 years ago, at my daughter's wedding, that I drink. I think she has finally conceded that I might not be bound for a fiery eternity. (Those of you who were raised in the South will probably understand where I'm coming from. LOL)

If my mom found my booze stash she would have a heart attack! Literally! With teenagers in the house and a control freak mother - I think a well hidden stash and a drink occasionally is the only think keeping me sane.
Tea totaler for sure. lol That is funny :)
I bet your mom was shocked that there was booze at your daughters wedding. That wouldn't be allowed at any of our weddings. lol

My mom quit making 'suggestions' when my husband took up for me. She likes HIM better than she likes ME, and she didn't want to hurt HIM! LOL So, maybe your husband can sweetly take up for you and your home. :)
It's not just mom to daughter, either:
I quit making 'suggestions' to my mother when I realized that she never did anything I suggested, (either I was hurting her feelings, she didn't like anything I suggested, or she thinks I know less than her - not sure which).
I quit making 'suggestions' to my daughter when I realized that she only has a limited amount of funds, her husband and her do not have the same taste, so she has to work around him, she thinks I'm a 'fuddy-duddy', and besides, she gets more satisfaction coming up with an idea and seeing it through to completion without input from others.
Every generation has their own issues and it's hard to learn that sometimes our 'suggestions' are not always welcome.

Clementine, I know all about controlling Moms. Mine didn't talk to me for weeks when she found out I voted Republican one year. LOL

Wow. My Mom and I are very very close, except about decorating style. My mom is very New England country and I'm not. When I moved into a new home, she offered some "advice". When we painted our house "haystack" well, let's say there wasn't much for compliments.
We sat down and had a chat. I guess I wanted her approval but didn't like her advice.I have to live ith the choices, not her. I've come to the conclusion that I love her home and how she's decorated it, it's just not for me. She agreed the same about mine. We can respect each others choices and enjoy to see each others personalities come out in the decor.
When I buy soemthing for her home, I match her style. She now does the same for me. We joke. She'll say " I looked for gaudiest thing I could find and I knew you'd love it". Mind you, it is said in humor and we laugh.
Perhaps Mom feels like if you don't decorate like her, you don't like her decor. If she's very proud of her decor, compliment her on good taste. Also be clear that she decorated how her "feelings and visions" inspired her and you are doing the same.
Be kind but bold. Let her know this is YOUR house and is decorated to YOUR liking.
Good Luck!!

Your mom....Hell! Everyone that comes through my house has to comment on my decor or the house itself. Not just mom! smile

My take on it: They think they are visiting the parade of homes and it's their job to critique it. They may win a barbeque grill!

Wow, I'm not a mother but saw a bit of myself here. As someone who has always loved decorating, licensed Realtor etc., I'm always making mental notes how I would do something if it were mine. I don't go around telling others what to do, but I think I may have made suggestions not realizing what I love to think about comes across differently. With some people I think it is honest intentions...and not a desire to cut down.

You think you have it bad...my 85 year old mom moved in with me recently (at my invitation), and it's been non-stop since then! I love her dearly, but our tastes are wildly different, she wanted to decorate my whole house with her stuff, I've had to rethink a bathroom remodeling project, my 15 year old son hates her being here, and she's still treating me like I'm a teenager! I don't mean to gripe too much -- we've made compromises with furniture, and she should have a vote in remodeling her bathroom.

She wants to put a piece of blue masking tape on a hardwood floor step to make it easier for her friends to see, permanently...(shuddering). I drew the line, pun intended, on that. No one messes with my hardwood floors!

An interesting side note: all my life I've thought of myself as a slob who's not very interested in housekeeping compared to her. This mindset was based on my teenage hurricane-hit-the-bedroom days. Well, I did grow up, I have kept my own home for a number of years, I've found out what works for me and what doesn't, and my house is pretty clean (not perfect -- it'll never be perfect). She's slacked off quite a bit in the housekeeping dept., or I'm not such a disgusting slob after all.

Blue

Wow, great stories. :) What would we do without our mothers. No tape on the hardwood. No way. just tell them and the step is there. Goodness.
My house isn't perfect either but not too bad. But the little clutter that is usualy in the kitchen makes mom shudder. She just stares in amazement. I think that is why I don't feel compeled to pick it up. lol

I guess I either look at it differently or I just have a great mom :)

Many people who come into my home tell me what they think about it. My mom included. Sure she's a bit more direct because she's family, but heck I am with her as well. She makes suggestions, and some I take up and some I say "Mom I like it this way" I would say the same thing to a close girlfriend who might make the same type of statement. Are you sure it's not just that it's "Mom" that is the real issue.

Would you ever tell a girlfriend that they can't comment on your decor, everything, your entire decor? So why with mom? I don't want mom's opinions to be removed 100% from any subject. She and I disagree on aspects of childcare, but she's also been a HUGE help on aspects fo childcare. My mother loves flowers and lace...I hate them...in my house LOL (they're cute as heck in her cottage). Her opinion is no different than anyone here I might ask for an opinion from. She's honest, and also accepts that I am not going to follow her every wish despite the fact that she's mom :oP

My late mom and a couple of aunts were decorators, so I valued what they had to say. Not one of them would have rearranged my home in my absence, though. That is definitely more about control than decor!

I realize more and more what a great Mom I had. I grew up in a house that didn't really have a style. Mom and Dad started with nothing so everthing they acquired were treasures, and Mom found a spot for everything. It didn't matter if it went with anything else she had. My Mom was never critical of my decorating style. She was always happy for me when I got something new for my house. She died 3 years ago. I would give my right arm for another day with her.

Now you may all throw rotten eggs at me for saying this...but there can be a lot of subliminal hostility in the mother-daughter dynamic.

My mother and I have always been very close, but at 89 and 62, we still drive each other right 'round the bend from time to time.
Mothers can't stop trying to raise us, and correct all the mistakes they made in creating the perfect us.
We can't stop resisting and separating.
We make each other mad, and we don't want to be mad, so we pick and poke and say we don't mean anything by it, but I think we do.

And I think it is perfectly normal. The trick is to stop competing and stop trying to change each other, and if she won't, do it anyway.

What works for me is to plant an imaginary wedge on my forehead, and when the subtle criticisms come at me, the wedge splits them and sends them harmlessly out the window.
And then I laugh and agree with her. I don't offer to alter anything. If she is right, I say, "I know, I've never been as good at xyz as you are." If she is out of bounds, I say, laughing, "How in the world do you stand me!" It stops the script, and makes her hear what she has said FAR better than trying to come up with yet another way to make her change, and to win.

Like the computer in "War Games" says..."The only way to win is not to play."

My Mom and Dad are coming to visit mid-July. Our house is still in chaos, stuck mid kitchen remodel due to money/health/family issues. At least this time it's a bit better than last time. That time we had no stove and the kitchen counters and sink were installed while they were visiting. Dad helped Hubby install the laundry sink while they were here. We have a lot of cleaning / organizing to do before they get her but it needs to be done anyhow. Beyond that, I'm not too worried.

Mom and I have never, ever agreed on decorating styles - let alone cleaning/organizing habits. Even back when I was a kid. Over the years we have arrived at a point where we know, understand and mostly respect each others' tastes and habits (though I know she still wishes I were neater and I wish she'd relax more). I'm actually looking forward to her visit because I want to ask her help (re)arranging my kitchen cabs. She appreciates what I like and has even, in the course of her travels, found things that are very much me (and very much not her) and gifted me with them. I have also found things for Mom that I would never have in my home.

Now my MIL (not to mention the two SIL's) is a completely different story. That one I'm still working on. I think I'm *finally* getting Hubby to see that their tastes are theirs and NOT mine and that just because they are different does not mean that one is better than the other. Alas, it's too late for some of the design decisions but there are lots more to go.

Oh wow, this strikes a chord with me. My dear mom has very strong opinions and she does not hesitate to express them.
For many years, I resisted her very strong personality, which could at times be controlling, however, over the years I have
realized this was really much more about me than her.

I have learned much from observing my DH with her. He has a way of drawing her in and asking her opinion, before she has the chance to express it on her own.
This always takes her off-guard as no one in our family asks her opinions. Because he requests her help and opinions, she seems to feel less a
need for us to accept and implement them and it makes her happy to have just been included.

If I had realized when I was younger, this was her way of feeling needed, and not so much about trying to control me, I could have avoided much conflict. I'm grateful,
I've realized this before she's gone. Although, I still react negatively to her suggestions some times....old habits, die hard, I am learning as one poster said, it takes two to play.
Also, the older I get, the more I appreciate her. Even though our tastes are different, if I really look for it, there's usually a pearl in there somewhere :)

Here's a great read on this topic: You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation by Deb Tannen.

I've really been enjoying everyone's stories in this thread. You can see a lot of love here!

Clementine, if you tell your mom to butt out, no matter how politely you say it, it will hurt her deeply. She advises you because she loves you and wants to give to you, and she needs to feel needed.

I had sort of the same problem with my mother. So I sat down and thought about how she would love to feel that she had done something nice for me. Then I did a little mental inventory of her skills, and she had no shortage of those. I wanted to sew new living room drapes, pleated. This was an area where I really would love her help. So when she was over, I took her to the fabric store with me and we picked out something pretty. Then she helped me measure and cut, I sewed, and together we hung them. It turned out to be a really nice mother-daughter time for us both. I got help with something I needed help with, and she got to feel needed and appreciated, which she was. I learned to think of things to ask her opinions and help with, and she learned to relax. Everybody won.

If you think about it, maybe can you find a way to put your mom to work helping you sew, or can, or something?

Hey Mom...read that last bit Oceanna wrote...you're gonna be in for a lot of curtain making soon LOL

Now, of course, I have to start thinking about how I am with my daughter, who asks for my advice about her first house, which she and her DH (and he is truly D) bought and are fixing up for living and working.
She's still asking, so I must not be making her too crazy. Yet.
Meanwhile, she makes me do things like buy better mascara, and actually wear it more often, and find comfortable shoes that actually look pretty.

We can choose our friends and not our relatives. Perhaps, God gives us friends so we do not have to deal with relatives. It is easy to do. Ask me. My mother did not like me so she gave me up the day I was born. You can give your mother up. Even after all these years, give her up. Tell her to jump in a lake, that you do not like her or her ideas, but then consider the consequences and maybe deal with reality.

Never had that problem with my Mom - but my Mother-in-Law - well that is another story...enough said :-)

I think that is exactly it oceana, I don't need her for anything pertaining to my house and that bothers her to no end. Since she wants to be a decorator she thinks she should have an opinion. DH is great at helping me and we find things that we like - together. We have a great relationship and that drives my mom nuts! Why would I hang a mirror where she tells me to instead of where I want it and/or need it to be? She doesn't live her so she doesn't know. Everything is exactly where I want it. Unfortunatly the best thing I can think right now is to take everything off the walls and put only my most beloved things up and there is no room for discussion. Kind of childish but the whole thing gets real old. Everytime she is over there is a comment or 3.
Well, I may put shelves up but DH and I will pick out the shelves and then maybe I could have her help me figure out the best positioning. That would be real nice - I hope.

bronwynsmom- if your daughter asks for help then you had better help her :) I am sure she appreciates it. :)

nicole! Laughed out loud at the barbecue grill crack!

I think our parents still need to be needed. When did they voluntarily relinquish that post of being the one we turned to for answers? There is no manual that tells them how to deal with the fact that we will, in certain cases, outgrow our need for their advice and ideas. That we will see them as knowing less then we, their children, do.
In my case, I am blessed with an awesome, open minded mom and a wonderful MIL who will compliment anything I do. My dad is the same. My fil is perpetually wounded at not being needed, so I ask him his advice from time to time, even though it kills me. He is grumpy and the last thing I want is his advice.
I know it is simplified, but I really believe our parents have a need to be needed.
Jo

myclementine, I don't know your age, but I remember this aspect of my mother driving me crazy in my 20's and 30's. Once I crossed over into the 40's, I stopped taking her comments so personally and began to accept my mom and her need to feel needed by me.

This has made a dramatic difference in our relationship. My DH never understood why her strong opinions and (I felt criticisms) bothered me so much. I can tell you, it really is much better including her and letting her feel that I value her advice and still need her. I have seen a few close friends lose their mom's to cancer now and they would give anything to be able to feel that twinge of irritation with the "you should do...." comment from their mom's again. What you are experiencing is common between mothers and daughters. So the next time your mom starts, remember you are not alone.

Patricia43,
Your Mom must have had reasons in her own life why she gave you up, it wasn't because she didn't like you. You are a good and valuable person.