It sounds like a terrible situation ((Moonie)). I'd find a way to get her to the doctor asap. The 'dementia' could be caused by a simple vitamin deficiency (make sure her B12 levels are checked) or something hormonal even.

My husband had extremely low B12 levels which was causing all sorts of problems with him. Now that he is on B12 shots, the difference in him is like night and day.

You can call the Division of Senior Services for your state (without saying who you are) and explain what's happening. They will have someone from your local office visit and assess her situation and make recommendations for the direction she needs to take. IMHO, this would be the avenue to pursue.

lydia - that's the sad part of it... it very well could be something as simple as a B12 deficiency. We've had this very discussion more times than I can count.

I'm glad your DH is doing better with his shots.

kay - my oldest sister and I took a day back in November and went for a visit with mom's Dr. to make him aware of what was going on. I had visited him myself 2 years ago but of course he can't do anything for her since she won't go see him. But just in case she was to have to go in for something else, he is aware.

We made mom an appt right after my first visit to see him but she got angry and told us to mind our own business and canceled the appt.

My sister and I also went to Senior services and was given a wealth of information. Even in NC, a very poor state, there are lots of services for seniors. Unfortunately, when they found that mom was still on the go, going to town each and every day, and some of her other activities, those services became unavailable.

During that time, she was still driving. We don't know, we only suspect, that she has gotten lost on more than one occasion. She has not driven since right before Christmas. I got laid off and was able to drive her every where she wanted to go. Now that we won't let her drive and I'm back at work, that's where a lot of her frustration comes in. Her drivers license is still valid and by law she can drive if she wants.

Moonie, this is just not right. Get with your sisters, tell them everything you've told us here. It's time for a change. I think you are being too good-natured about this. You deserve a life you enjoy, not one where you are being verbally and now physically abused. Sending you a wish for happier times ahead for both you and your mom.

Your story is so similar to my mom. What did happen is she did fall and break a hip. That began a downward spiral. The surgery went well, she had to go straight to a rehab facility for 2 weeks, while there they did memory evaluation to see if she could be trusted to follow the instructions for her hip and meds. She failed. The doctor said that she could not go back to living alone. This caused much grief and anger. Mom lashed out badly. None of us had the ability to care for her with out risk of injury to her or ourselves. We had to have serious discussion and none of us wanted to put her in a care facility but the doctors virtually took it out of our hands. So we did place her in a beautiful brand new place with her own little apartment as she calls her room. She is still not happy but it was the right thing to do. Since then she had to have part of her foot amputated, she fell out of the bed and sustained a broken pelvis and tailbone. Had she been home alone no telling what would have happened. She was rushed to the hospital and we were called.
You have to face the situation. No way is it easy. But it will be much better to do it now before something terrible happens. We feel guilt, but we know she is being cared for by professionals and medical attention is immediate.
The temper and lashing out are part of the condition. It is hard to keep smiling when you are going through it.

Oh, Moonie, what an awful situation. It must be terribly hard to break out of a lifelong pattern and suddenly behave differently toward your mother, but this situation can't continue on its present path. It's as though you're being held hostage by your mother's dementia and the grip of the past.

Somehow she's been allowed to do and say whatever she pleases to her daughters, without consequences, but that has to change. Things are going downhill in a hurry, and the drink-throwing episode could signal the start of a behavior that could escalate to violence. Even if it doesn't, Moonie, you have a life. To take your mother out every single day, and then be subjected to verbal abuse, simply isn't right.

How old is she? We have different stages in life, and I think you're going to have to leave previous stages behind and assume the adult role to her childish one. Most parents and children go through this role reversal at some point when the parent becomes too old or infirm to properly care for themselves. They need help, and help is not the same as enabling. You and your sister are going to have to take charge and override your mother's protests and anger.

I'm glad you have a sister to deal with this with you. Much, much better than having to take it on by yourself.

Good luck and keep us posted.

You have my sympathy. What helped for me was having an out of town sister come and stay for a bit and lay down the law about how much she could expect from me. She hired someone to be her gofer, but she has to pay for it out of money most of us give her monthly.

Boy, I've been there--

My mother lived in a senior apt. building and wouldn't hear of going into a place where there was more help for her. We temporarily resolved that issue by getting home health aids in a few times a week to help her bathe, clean, etc, while my siblings and I still did a lot of the work needed to keep her in her apt. She was declining, though, and I'd already told my sibs that after the first of the year we were going to have to make some tough decisions. Then, thanksgiving night, after a lovely day where she saw or spoke to all her children, had a nice meal at my brother's, Mom went back home, sat in her chair (she slept in her recliner), went to sleep and didn't wake up. It was exactly what she always hoped--"One day I'll go to bed and not wake up" she told us many times. In her case, she was pretty good mentally, not so able physically.

MIL had alzheimers. Which as you probably know, affects both the mind and body (the mind 'forgets' how to direct the body systems to work properly.) And part of the problem there, was that MIL allowed herself to be legally victimized by a family member. Won't get into all that long story, but it was an expensive, heartwrenching fight we found ourselves involved in, and MIL never did get the treatment she needed and deserved.

Aunt? Lived independently until age 85--when her health took a sudden drastic turn. We had no choice but to make the decision to put her in an assisted living facility. Luckily, we found one that was wonderful--it was reasonable (one of the main reasons we chose it, honestly), but the people were caring, there were nurses on hand round the clock, they didn't nickel and dime you to death for services. It wasn't exactly what aunt wanted--she wanted to go back to her apt--but with her health, it was what she needed and gave us a lot of peace of mind.

A few random thoughts.

I presume that one of the things you're going to be considering is whether or not Mom needs to go to a facility. Remember this--while they often resist the change, our older relatives are often MUCH happier living in a community of their peers that's designed to meet their health, physical and social needs. It's also better for the family's relationship because once you're comfortable that Mom's in a place where she's being properly taken care of, you're relieved of the worry of being a care-giver and can go back to truly enjoying the time you spend with her. If you do consider a facility, make sure that it's one that will allow her to stay if her health deteriorates. Aunt was in an assisted living (it wasn't a nursing home) but they promised they'd keep her there. And yes, when she needed more care, including hospice, they were there for her, and stepped up their own services for her. Also, understand the price structure of the places you look at--some charge for every little service, on top of the monthly 'rent'. Some have it worked out a little differently. We found one home that, on the surface, looked like it was reasonably priced, but when you started adding in the 'a la carte' services--administering her meds, doing her laundry, etc etc etc--it ended up being way more expensive than the one we ultimately chose. Just try to get the bottom line price from each, once you get to that point.

But it might not be time yet for your mom to move to a facility, especially with you next door. First, you need to get her to a dr. Get a diagnosis of what's going on with her, and then you may find that Medicare will pay for a home health aid for her a few days a week--that will give you a break AND relieve your mind that she's being properly cared for when you're not there. If you go that route, you'll have a whole support team at your side. Usually you go through a 'visiting nurse' association--they'll have a nurse visit regularly to check on your mom, and assess her needs; you'll have aids to help around the house and to give her extra company. If needed, the nurse will send out occupational or physical therapists to help your mom get along better with her changing health status. You'll be offered suggestions on making things easier for your mom and yourself. It's a fantastic community resource, and as I said, may be paid for by Medicare. Even if it isn't, it's a LOT cheaper than an assisted living facility, so worth looking into.

This is something none of us like to think about--and I'm certain it's a long way down the road for you. But when the time comes, don't wait too long to call Hospice. They are UNBELIEVABLE and offer so much for the patient and family. Most people do wait till their loved one is at death's door--that's not the way to go, it's better to call them in earlier. If your loved one gets a diagnosis that qualifies them for Hospice, they'll supply all the equipment needed, all the meds to keep them comfortable, the aids and nurses to see that things are as easy as possible. And they even offer music, physical, occupational therapy, counselling for the family. And they do it all with so much love and compassion. I did call them within minutes of getting the diagnosis that aunt had only 3-4 weeks to live, they were amazing and got us through those last weeks. Medicare pays most of the bill, and the hospice organization we used said they don't send anyone a bill for the rest--they rely on their donations, etc, and don't bother the family for $$$.

Oh, as our population ages, there are more and more geriatric doctors making house calls--perhaps that would be easier for your mom? If you don't know of any, try calling a local nursing home to see if they can recommend someone who might come out.

You're entering a very challenging time of life. No one really prepares us for the day when we have to begin parenting our parents. It's hard for us, and probably even more difficult for them. Hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for help where needed. Given my 15+ years experience in caregiving for several relatives, I can tell you there aren't many jobs that are more physically and emotionally draining, BUT few that are in the long run more rewarding, either. You're doing the right thing for your mom, you'll have peace always, knowing that.

Like Azzalea I was the caregiver for 3 different elders in my family including allowing DMIL to move in at one point. Lovely woman but BIG mistake. Should have put her in a facility early on. She and us would have been much happier in the long run. But hindsight is golden.

I have little to add because she really really gave good honest advice.

It's very hard to make the switch in the role reversal between parent and child. Especially since you can force a two year old to take their medicine but you can't do it with an elder who is acting like a 2 year old.

You need to do tough love. I remember having to confront my father once. He was always the authoritarian. One day he said something nasty and I just lit into him. Told him I would always love him and I understood he was old and felt entitled but his entitlement ending with his verbal abuse of me. I would always be his DD but I was also an adult who deserved respect. He could disagree and even criticize but I wasn't going to take his yelling and ranting. I would just walk away if he did. Changed things for the better between us. You need to set boundaries and stop walking on eggshells.

She's like a child who is challenging your authority because she is a scared of giving up control. You need to sit down with her and take the control. It will be a great relief to her although she will never admit it. Give her a choice, she lets you make an appointment with a doctor or you call social services. Bet she chooses the doctor. But you have to be firm and follow through.

Sorry to hear of this but we just went through it and are actually placing my moms husband this week. It started off with forgetting things and then progressed to so much more. You need to get your mom checked and you may have to do it in a way that seems sneaky, just remember you are doing it out of love. If its caught early she may have some drug options. My mom's husband did so many things I wouldn't know where to start. He hoarded mail, ordered things from tv at night, became paranoid about people in his life especially my mom. He was a sundowner, wandered mostly at night. He started halucinating recently about the house being on fire, it took police to get him to come in the house. Just this past Monday morning he left the house and refused to come home. My mom chased him down in her car but he refused. She had to call the police for help. Three officers had to handcuff him to get him safely out of traffic. Because he was handcuffed going home wasn't an option, they took him to the psych ward at the county hospital for a 72 hour evaluation. He will be transferred to the nursing home from the hospital which actually is a blessing in disguise as we had arrangements to have him placed on 05/15/12. This way my mom doesn't have to physically take him there and drop him off, she really didn't want to do that.
We called our county Aging and Disability Resource Center and they were quite helpful. They will come to the house and do an evaluation and talk to your mom about things that she might actually be interested in. Services and programs available to her.

Contact the Alzheimer's assoc. for advice. Also talk to the social service dept of your hospital. You cannot go on. Do they have a Council for Aging in your area? Look in the phone book, and newspaper for agencies that could help you. Yes you and your sister have to make a decision. Make your all the legal work is in place. You will need a lawyer for that. Does she have control of her money? She might get angry and give it away mad at you. You and your sister should be in control of it to protect all. As to the Dr. because of the privacy laws he may not be able to discuss anything with you unless she gives him permission, so get written permission ahead of time. Talk to him/ his nurse so you will know exactly what she says, treatment etc. As to getting her there? Make the appointment and just tell her she will go. Good luck and yes I have been thru that with my mom many years ago. I was very lucky to have someone able to live with her and control the situation. That was before all the privacy junk. Her Dr. just gave her another pill and when she passed away, we threw out almost 100 bottles of probable sugar pills. This was in the 70's/

Moonie my heart is breaking for you. I went through the same thing with my mother. She'd always been so sweet and after she started seeing people on the dock and her screened porch, we knew we had to do something. First took her to her primary care who referred her to a psychiatrist. IMHO, he was nuttier than she was. She spent about 6 days in the hospital being evaluated where they said she was unable to live alone. Duh--we already knew that. I could tell you so many stories (sigh). When she was released she came and lived with Harry and me for a little over a month.

I am fortunate--I have 5 sisters and a brother so five of us got together one weekend with her and they could see she was having a really hard time. We had mapped out adult living facilities and visited them. Most were just wonderful, but she hated every one. After everyone had gone I ask her what she truly wanted to do. And she wanted to go home in Indiana. She owned a home there and one in Georgia and I made it clear that she couldn't live alone in her home any longer. (That was a really tough conversation, believe me. Many tears from both of us. But she agreed to go to the adult living home that just opened, so my sister took her to Indiana after we got the arrangements made. I don't think I've ever cried as hard in my whole life as I did the day she left. I wish I'd have kept her with me and hired a day care nurse for her--at least as long as I could. But she was getting angry a lot and swearing (she NEVER did that).

You have a hard road ahead of you, Moonie. Be strong for her sake. You may think she doesn't need a facility yet, but you really need to have her evaluated.

Do you have other siblings besides your sister? Get them involved if you do. You are in my thoughts and prayers more than you'll ever know.

Moonie, I haven't much to add because I haven't been in this position (yet). As a matter of fact, my mom who is 73 volunteers at a Sr. Citizen home almost everyday! The one she volunteers at is a very nice, cheerful place.

We did have a problem with my FIL a few years back. The siblings got together and decided that Dad could definitely not drive safely. No one wanted to tell him. Instead they came up with a plan and took something critical out from underneath the hood. He had six sons and two son-in-laws so they took turns "trying" to fix it while we visited with Dad.

I sympathize for what you are going through now. I hope you can get her to a doctor soon, that seems to be the place you need to start at. (((hugs))) Denise

So much of these comments ring true with the situation I had with my Mom. She was in her early eighties and started burning food, leaving her door open all night (in a turning bad neighborhood), and the worst was forgetting meds and to eat. She lost a terrific amount of weight while receiving evening meals 5 days a week from Meals on Wheels. She just forgot to eat them and preferred having sweets when they were in the house. I lived about 45 min. away from her and saw her weekly and talked to her daily, at least. She would tell me that she had taken her meds and I would find that she hadn't done so after talking to her doctor he gave me a patch to put on her back once a week. I tried to move her into assisted living but she said she wasn't ready. I tried to buy her a house that was in better condition than the one she was renting, she got angry and refused, telling me she was fine but would do better if that was what I wanted her to do. I gave up trying because it was evident that she wouldn't peacefully make a change.

She also fell and broke her hip before I was able to convince her to do something to keep her safe. She had no choice but to go in a nursing home since I had a brain aneurysm on Monday before she fell on Friday and there was no one locally to take her after she had recouperated. I was taken to a hospital in another state where I was in ICU for a month so I didn't even know about it. My son had to make all of the arrangements to get her into a nursing home. She lived there for almost 2 years before she died. I am wheelchair bound and wasn't able to get there as often as I wanted to but I honestly don't believe she knew the time span and she did well in adjusting to the home she lived in after she had no choice. I hope you don't get to the point of not having a decision to make but having to take action. There must be an answer for you. Good luck.

Just want everyone to know that I truly appreciate your thoughts, advice and personal stories.

I have talked twice with my oldest sister today and we are leaning towards calling Social Services. We don't believe, given the option, she would choose to go to the Dr. except under duress. But it's too soon after this latest incident to decide exactly which direction we are going to take. Only that I'm finished doing for her until she has seen the Dr. So, we will make a definite decision tonight. I know that sounds harsh and uncaring but I have my own health and mental well-being to consider as well.

My sister did talk to mom a few minutes earlier and mom did tell her that I was mad but didn't mention anything other than that. Sis was at work but I wanted her to call and check on mom because she had locked the doors.

Tonight we are going to talk with my other sister that lives on the west coast and we will go from there.

Thank you

Hi Moonie 57 (no relation to Heinz, I assume?),

You've received a barrel-full of excellent suggestions, I think. I was going to suggest that, if there are other siblings, you all need to get in on the act ... I think that they call it, "ganging up" on someone. But you all need to be fully aware, and not just "head-aware", but heart- and emotion-aware, as well.

When you do, how about letting her have her say as to what she feels should be the way to go, fairly fully ... and then, going back over her points, take turns in showing her, one item at a time, and taking turns, how such just isn't possible, any more?

She needs to know how, when she's alone, you all are heart-sick, concerned that she may have fallen, left pots to burn on the stove, etc.

And the others need to point out to her, in some detail, how she's expecting way too much of you. If she wants you to quit your job ... is she willing to replace your income?

I send good wishes and hopes that things may move forward in ways that are best for your Mom ... and for you ... and for the others.

And offer some prayers on your behalf.

I invite the others who have posted here, and those who follow, to join in similar acts.

(((((Moonie57)))))

ole joyful

(((OJ))) Thank you

Moonie, I have no suggestions, but you all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tami

Check out our Caregivers Forum, and look for the thread on Dementia. And some of the other threads will have some good info too.

Hugs to you.

Here is a link that might be useful: Caregivers forum

I know every one has given you good advise.I do understand have been through some of it but God work it out for my mom she did suffer some in the end and was on hospice but she did go to sleep and did not wake up.I pray for you strength to get through this (((((((((HUGS))))))))

No advice other than seeking help from social services, like someone else already mentioned. It's so hard having aging parents and trying to take care of yourself and your family too. ((((Moonie))))

Moonie, my heart aches for you and I am not looking forward to this time in my life.
The only advice I may offer is to give her choices so she feels she has some say...be firm.
For example:
Do you want Sis or me to take you to the dr?
Which home do want to move to..."this one or "that one"
(((Big Hugs))))