Thanks to all of you for your well-thought-out responses! Billl you are right, my LH wasn't anywhere near a standup guy. In fact I used to dread any holiday because my in-laws would insist that we spend it at their house (Thanksgiving, Xmas, Easter, you name it) and my LH would tell him "yes, sure" every time and then the night before - or worse, the MORNING OF - whatever the day was, he'd tell me to call and make some excuse such as that one of us was sick, the car wouldn't start, or whatever. Thus, I was the one who got the immediate flak over the phone; not him. Or we'd go and then I'd have to make up some excuse for us to leave early. I'm sure that you all will say that I should never have gone along with that nonsense. However as I mentioned in my original post, my LH not only had a drinking problem (as did my in-laws) but also a hair-trigger and violent temper. It was literally safer to do things his way. The estrangement between my LH and FIL was just as much my LH's fault as his father's (by that time my MIL had died). Naturally there is no longer any reason for either me or my son to appease my FIL. I admit I hate confrontation and conflict and of a nature to want to avoid rocking the boat; also, I'm caught between my FIL's personality (which is really tough to take) and the fact that he's 80-something years old, with a pacemaker, and almost completely blind from glaucoma. So part of me says, I should cut him some slack and try to smooth things over. However, lest it be thought that he's a helpless elderly man sitting in a rocking chair, that's hardly the case: he has a GF of long standing, lots of friends, and they spend every winter in a condo they own down in Florida. So I'm a bit conflicted at times about how to handle the situation. I have not invited him to our new home yet and I am hoping that he doesn't one day demand to know why not! I have no idea how I'd handle THAT one!! There are two other grandsons in the picture (my LH's brother's children) who are 21 and 24 and do keep in contact with my FIL fairly regularly. Of course that adds fuel to the fire of why don't I and my son do the same! However, I happen to know that the main reason the other grandchildren do this is because of, um, let's just say an eventual financial reward. However my son and I just can't bring ourselves to be quite that mercenary. I agree though that it is better to let the s**t hit the fan - as it will if my son comes right out and says he would rather not keep in contact with his grandfather - as a result of being honest, than letting it do the same as a result of excuses resulting in nothing being done. The ironic thing is that I personally don't believe in making phone calls or giving gifts, out of nothing more than a sense of obligation. I've mentioned to my FIL in a light-handed way that when my son is away at college, he never calls ME unless he needs something, and that's just the way it is. And that it really does not bother me. My MIL used to DEMAND that her sons call her every Sunday without fail - and if they didn't she'd throw a spectacular sulky hissy fit; and I swore I'd never put a child of mine into the same position. I'd never want anyone to call, write, or give me anything unless it was done only because they wanted to do it... not because they were told to, or felt obligated to do so for any reason. Otherwise it is nothing but a meaningless gesture. But perhaps I am a bit odd about that. :-)

Jan, You are a kind and compassionate woman. Thank you for caring about all of us. In laws can destroy relationships. Although my marriage was destroyed by many factors, the learning experience has enabled me to help my daughter save her marriage from her jealous mother in law. She wanted to keep getting my support and not supporting me in return, so I am now pretty much estranged from her and her sister. They model after my irresponsible, lying, abusive X. The estrangement drags me down, but I try to keep on going despite it. I can only change/improve myself and my life. They are free of to live their own lives. I have 2 grandsons who live out of state and my daughter has not denied me a relationship of sorts with them. This is not what I expected at all, as I devoted my all to raise them. I am very sorry for your heartache, but adult children seem to go their own way and they do not need us anymore. Some want us, like your daughter wants you, but sons seem to either be devoted to their Mothers, while others cling to their wives. My Mother was loved by all and she handled the son/daughter in laws by accepting invitations when invited, not asking them for anything, being respectful and nice to all and letting them live their own lives as they saw fit. I am not my Mother, nor a doormat, so I have a much tougher time with relationships because I express my views and try to protect myself from abuse; I have a few close friends and relatives, but not many. Please let us know how you are doing and if you find a way to mend the rift.

I thought I should inject a word about my own credentials. Over the past 50 years I have trained 7 dogs (4 collies, 2 shelties, and one mixed breed rescue dog) and 4 equines (2 horses and 2 ponies). My first two collies came to me as one year old dogs and the latter two were puppies. Both my shelties were pups and my older mixed breed was a formerly abused biter with serious trust problems when they came to me. Two of my horses and one pony were what I would call "green broke" and the other pony was an untrained 3 yr old that I took on to train & rehome to save her from the meat buyers, but who ended up staying with me until her death at age 36. My first collie was a rescue of sorts, having lived the first year of his life at the end of a chain. I trained him with methods available at that time. He embraced the task of getting out of the road when a car approached, and he would have been sadly disappointed had he learned that the only point of this task was to protect himself from injury. He would scurry over to the side of the road and look at us with self-satisfaction, as if to say "There I found a car for you! Didn't I do good!?" I trained him using old school methods, and I lament not having access to reward based training methods at the time, as it would have made him an even more exceptional dog than he was. That is not to say he wasn't lavished with praise and love, just that old style dominence methods were employed. Still he had a great quality of life and walked hundreds of miles on hikes and horseback rides. But it always eats at me that I did not have the tools available that are at my disposal today. My last collie that I trained with positive reinforcement methods passed his canine good citizen test with flying colors and earned a backpacking title from the American Working Collie Assoc, carrying a pack for a dozen miles, and another 12 miles on his way to winning another title from a different organization. I schooled my horses in basic dressage, simple reining exercises, elementary jumping, barrel racing, as well as training my mare and both ponies to pull a cart. None of them even knew something as basic as how to back up when they came to me. My sister and I conditioned our horses for a number of 25 - 35 mile competitive trail rides and placed well. I placed 3rd (actually first place, except that there was also a champion and reserve champion ahead of her) in a competitve trail drive at Green Mountain Horse Assoc. with my small pony as well. This was quite an accomplishment for a small Shetland pony competing against a field of Arabians and Morgans. My Morgan X mare and I were often in the money/ribbons every week at local rodeos and gymkhanas. As far as horse training mentors, I took my advice from articles and books written by those who wrote about "developing a rapport with one's horse" and under the tutelage of similar minded equestrian instructors, both Western and English. It is not necessary to engage in some sort of macho peeing contest with one's dog to teach him desirable vs undesirable behaviors, nor with horses. As far as horses, my favorite words of advice on the subject comes from a trainer I respected highly, a man with great expertise in training "problem horses," Dave Jones. He wrote this: "When you are starting to lose your temper with your horse, picture this: imagine that your gentle riding horse is the meanest, mankillingest son-of-a-*** under the sun. Would you lose your temper with this horse? Heck no! He'd stomp you to death!" Mr Jones' sense of humor was one of his endearing qualities, but the message behind his words spoke volumes. I developed a lasting rapport with all my horses. The proof of their trust in me was evident when my mare was willing to cross a narrow bridge that no sane horse would cross because I told her it was OK, or when I had to perform a veterinary procedure on one of them, or if I told them it was OK to allow a vet to do the same. I never betrayed their trust in me and I could trust them all implicitly. I cared for them all their lives into old age and they rewarded me with a love that is still with me now that they are gone. (It had nothing to do with the obvious fact that the human with the grain can was in charge, aka alpha.) That is the definition of rapport.

--"The other thought is that he's losing his mind"-- While that would not be my first go-to, it does leave a few thoughts. When is the last time he had a good physical with complete lab work and a handful of expanded tests? Older people sometimes take numerous medications. Has he started anything new? Last time a med review was done to check interactions and/or possible side effects? It really could be something physical ex: slight stroke, congested heart failure, imbalance of something, low/high levels of basic body needs ect. You know he loves you, no matter how goofy he's acting, hold on to the fact you know your father is NOT acting his normal self...you just are not yet sure why. You two do spend an awful lot of time together due to work besides the normal family relations. It could be you're the unfortunate one to be his release target of whatever is all going on in his life. It could be anything and/or a combination of things. He's getting older and his worried about you. You're his baby girl, no matter how old you actually are. Money is tight due to slack in business. Pressure. Stress. A relationship of his new lady where he puts demands on himself to be, do, provide in a way his present finances does not permit. Again, I'm just putting out possibles. I'm just saying, don't make any rash moves/decisions right now. Not at least until you can get a better 'picture' of exactly what and why . I'm not down playing your hurt feelings he's causing you. he's being a pain in the butt and a vocal one at that. I'm just saying perhaps you can get him to sit down and open up to you. Give you a better chance to understand what is affecting him. Hugs to you, Ima.