Thanks, cheerful, I really appreciate your thoughts. I think what has been most difficult to deal with is the fact how fast I was hit by all this, even though there have been symptoms around for years but I did not recognize them as such. Then came the awakening [when it felt like an alien had invaded by body and I really wasn't my good old self and I knew for sure that something bigger than me was at work here] and now I feel like I can't catch my breath. Everytime I turn around, something new is happening. Thank God I do not have the hotflashes like some women do but I get the night sweats which I can live with at this point. The migraines are a different story. I usually get them every other month, just like my periods seem to be easier one month, with less symptoms, and real doozies the other month, with especially mean migraines. My periods are the toughest part for me to deal with, the irregularity of them at times and now the spotting which is a new one for me. It is still going on this morning, with cramps and backaches. At this point, it is more like a very light period...something new for me. Life, my body, really feels out of control at times, and too often. I just want my old self back. Sorry for complaining like this but if I don't get this off my chest I'll turn into complete mush. Marli P.S.: At this point, I am not taking any supplements other than the regular one a day vitamin and only because my eating habits are not always the best. I had considered adding soy milk to my regular diet but after reading some of the information out there I am not so sure now. Also, I would like to tough this out without any HRT, if possible. I'm not very big on taking anything. Seems like what might help one thing may cause problems elsewhere. I am probably too black and white on this, though. I have a feeling I have a lot of reading and studying to do on all this.

Yes we have right of first refusal but in the past it's been my word against his in court. He is notorious for lying under oath. He has been caught buy nothing has ever happened to him except embarrassment so they continue to do it. As far as school, I have exclusive right over education and BD has the right to be informed, speak to teachers, be at activities etc. The school already knows that and understand the situation so even though dad requests that when it's 'his' day he be notified first, the school feels it's easier to contact the custodial parent first. His days do not begin until school is dismissed and end when school resumes so during school hours that is technically my day. I opted not to fight this battle because I felt it was too much of a headache. So far I have no idea if the school has ever contacted him about anything and frankly as long as I am notified or kept in the loop -- if they make two phone calls that is A-Ok with me. I think they expected me to throw a tantrum over SM signing school work and were even more annoyed when I didn't. For them it's opposite of a normal parents feelings. I feel relieved when I don't hear anything from them. They get frustrated and strengthen their stance against me when I stay quiet. sm is notorious in the last 4 yrs for trying to provoke me in to flipping out so she can say SEE BM is nuts!! I haven't reacted to her openly in a long time and it gets her so worked up. Before, I would flip and shoot off my mouth and she would smile and laugh and basically pat herself on the back for pusing my buttons and proving to the world that I'm nuts... I've grown so much from that person I was when my divorce was so raw and I was still emotional and still 'learning' to cope... But it seems that they aren't happy or relieved that I am not that person anymore. They have this attitude that I took something away from them when BD lost rights and so now they are wanting to pay me back. I just don't even want to deal with it. I just want to get along. Let DD have a good time. I was going to offer that they could have DD for spring break even though it's my year. I also had planned to offer more weekends and some week time during the summer. I want to send an email to say I don't have any plans for these dates if you want DD in addition to what you already have. Even offering her bday weekend since they haven't had her in 3 yrs nor the yr before making that 4 yrs on her bday. I don't want anything in return. Even my attorney told me No don't do that because they may turn around and say I am pushing DD off on to them instead of spending my time with her. Ugh I just can't do anything right it seems ... Or come up with a plan to throw up my white flag without it biting me later on. I agree with you PO1 if dad isn't home -- DD just needs to stay with me. She does not feel comfortable with SM yet. She enjoys her step sister though but says SM treats them different. DD is told she is not allowed to attend any extra curricular activities while visiting them. Which I can understand. I won't argue with that because the last thing I want to do is to cart DD around on our weekends to activities that BD had signed her up for plus anything I might sign her up for. All activities DD is in are during the week and I won't allow them to interfere with his weekends. However while BD is working all weekend, DD has to sit through stepsisters gymnastics and soccer and wait around for girl scouts stuff. My question is why not put DD in those things so they can do them together. BD told me he pays enough in child support that he isn't going to pay hundreds of $'s a month for her activities too. Real winner huh? The thing with DD being alone with SM is that is when things happen. That is when she talks to DD about inappropriate things. But it's my word against hers or DDs word against hers and there isn't much they do except slap her on the hand. The therapist told BD and the courts he needs to be the one that is doing everything from pick ups to drop offs to spending one on one time with DD to build their relationship. He has yet to do that and DD tells the therapist there is no one on one time and therapist just sends a 'reminder'email to BD about his time and responsibilities. How Many times do you have to tell someone what their job is as a parent before they get it? I think that is why I feel like giving up. I just don't want to fight these things anymore because nothing will be done anyway so shouldn't I just let it go too? If I try to stand my ground and tell BD through email be a dad ... Do your job.. Be there for DD ... Your absence is hurting her... It becomes a pissing match... I don't feel like it. Am I giving up?? Is it ok for me to give up?? My mom's point is that we have fought for 3 yrs to keep these things from happening -- to make SM back down. And my point is -- at what cost? At who's expense? Mine! My families! My other child who needs more from me than what he gets because I'm constantly dealing with this. Going to court, going to therapists, writing emails, doing research, having conferences, paying money -- lots and lots of money... I hope I'm making myself clear-- I am not giving up on DD I'm just wanting to get along with her father and make peace. I'm not saying I was ever wrong for fighting in the courts. I'm not saying their points are right or wrong ... Just tired of nit picking. If DD came home with a serious problem.. I would do something but these little things, if I'm able to let them go, shouldn't I? Or should I keep telling the courts and telling the therapist 'well BD did it again or SM is asserting herself into our lives again.. SM is playing a power struggle again. And that is all it is so if I give up the struggle it doesn't mean they have won or she is now MOM it just means, she doesn't threaten me anymore. I'm not threatened by her taking my place. That used to upset me when DD was younger because I was single and struggling. BD and SM were living the life BD and I used to live. A happy little family, while it was just me and DD and I thought OMGosh it's going to be this way forever. They can provide more.. They have a house and DD is going to want that more than what I have to offer. They will be able to buy her and I won't be able to do that. Well... That is how I USED to feel. What I finally realized about 3 months ago is that SM underestimates my relationship with DD. She thinks that by making DD call her MOM then DD is going to forget that I am her MOM ... But what she failed to realize (and I think i did too) is that no matter what DD calls her, DD knows that I am her mom and the bond we share is not replaceable by anyone but me. I can ruin DDs faith in me but sm will never be able to take it away from me. I think once I realized how much DD is connected to me and not be hearing it from everyone else... But actually seeing it for myself, in relation to SM that is when she no longer was a threat to me in my mind... And I could finally let go of that power struggle. Does that make sense?

No freakin' way should a kid be on the computer that much! And no, an hour a day outdoors is not unreasonable. You're being a good parent. DH is being a lazy parent. My SS is 10. DH used to let him go on the computer when he woke up in the morning (so he'd haul himself out of bed before dawn of course) and be on it ALL DAY LONG. It was a convenient babysitter so DH didn't have to DO anything with him. I said no dice to that. SS was miserable to be around when he was on the computer that much (for example, he'd cry and scream when told to get off the computer and come have lunch) and no kid needs that much video game input. Now, on a school night, he gets a max of 90 minutes of video games. Usually only 1 hour, but sometimes a little more is OK. Many nights he doesn't go on at all now, and doesn't even complain about it anymore! On weekends, he is not allowed on computer or video games until 10am, he is dressed, with teeth brushed, breakfast eaten and bed made. And a max of three hours per day (except if he has a friend over or something unusual like that). He's much more pleasant to be around now!! We also boot him off the computer at least 10 minutes before a meal etc. He's less glazed if he has a few unplugged minutes. We're in Saskatchewan, so it's cold here in the winter and he can't play outside. But he can play Lego, or bedroom hockey, or read books, or colour, or play a game with us. In the summer I kick him outdoors all the time! DH was open to my "no dice" and likes that we can work together. SS was somewhat resistant of course - but has adjusted now.

"the child may very well not ask to speak to his mom because he knows there is a rule that he can only speak to her once a day around bedtime" Nope, not the case. Unlike BM, my DH is the caring and rational parent who has his son's best interest at heart. He would never, EVER tell SS "you are only allowed to talk to your mom once a day."" SS just gets busy living with US and doesn't seem to think of talking to mom. Much like when he is with BM, he doesn't call DH except in the evening, close to bedtime I think Marie you are attributing qualities your 11 year old DD has, and comparing them to a 7 year old boy. Sorry, but boys don't seem to like to "chat" on the phone as much as girls do. I can already see that diff. between my DD and SS. Also, a 7 yr old is really not "into" talking on the phone much yet. Maybe when SS gets older, he will want to talk to BM or his dad more often---but for now, it is simply not an issue. I think you are giving the BM in my situation way too much credit here. She is not the caring, "involved" parent you are describing. I could go on and on about the times she has continually NOT put her child first. She with-held visitation for THREE WEEKS last summer because she was pissy w/my DH for taking her to court. DH talked to SS on the phone throughout the weeks sporadically, and SS sobbed one of the times, crying that he wasn't "allowed" to see dad. AWFUL. Many times now when his mom calls now he asks his dad if BM is fighting. Slowly but surely, he is begining to see his mom is WACKY. It's to the point that SS tries to listen in on DH's phone convos b/c he thinks BM is causing problems. Last week, BM called him, and at the end, she asked SS to put his dad on the phone, and SS said "no because I'm afraid you're going to get mad at him." He knows. This woman is irrational and insane. She sent her current DH to the hospital last winter b/c she got drunk, and ripped the phone off the wall, and chucked it at his head---he had to get stitches. The year before last, she was fighting w/her DH, and I guess he stormed out of the house, and IN FRONT OF HER SON AND HER STEPDAUGHTER, she took a KNIFE to the blow-up Frosty the Snowman in their front yard. SS "laughs" about it occasionally, but DH and I both know it's a defense mechanism. Talk about terrifying for a child---to see a parent that out of control. Last Christmas Eve--it was DH's night, but BM begged him to let her have SS until Christmas morning. DH consented. Well, guess what SS did that night? He spent the evening w/his stepdad at his stepdad's parents' house while BM stayed home gettgin plastered. She called my DH and me a gazillion times, sobbing about how she wanted a divorce, hated her life, etc. Nice, huh? You can sit there all you want and say that she is a caring, involved mother. Yeah, she loves her son, I will give you that--but she is an alcoholic with serious mental issues. We will do what we have to do to protect OUR FAMILY from her behavior and her antics. A direct line of communication to SS is not needed and actually, is very detrimental to our family. And, truth be told, to SS. DH wishes BM had LESS influence over him than she already does. Unfortunately, until she really screws up, joint custody will continue---but that does not mean BM needs to be in constant communication w/their son on his father's time. The woman has some serious issues, and everyone knows it---the former GAL, the current GAL, the judge, our attorney, and heck, even BM's own family knows it. We have a letter ON FILE in our court case from BM's cousin stating that she has a serious drinking problem. If we ever go to trial, this cousin will testify on our behalf.