gibby3000: "I sound like an "old" person talking about how we walked five miles to school in a blizzard...." - and uphill both ways, as my dad used to say. It might have something to do with the way our parents were raised, at least mine. My parents were born in 1929, the beginning of the depression and then were 16 when WW II ended. Times were tough and so many kids had to work to help support the family. They probably expected their own children (us) to do the same. They expected their own children to get out and make their own way. There is an adage (how true it is I don;t know) that one parents differently than they were parented. My parents gave me 6 months from university grad to get out of the house and basically to never bother them again. When grandkids started to come along they moved out of the city so they couldn't be babysitters. As an adult I do not have a close relationship with my parents. As an aside - Schooling is more expensive, at least here it is. Tuition and books have gone up by more than 10X since I was in university but minimum wages have definitely not gone up to keep pace and have only gone up 5X as much, grants are not as readily available for financial assistance. I just can't treat my kids the way I was treated. For me, it isn't a matter of spoiling them or not letting them grow up, it's more a matter of showing them that families are a life long family unit and commitment. It's showing them that our lives are forever intertwined, not in a stifling overbearing way, but in a supportive way. I was not raised this way. That is to say that the way I was raised wasn't wrong but it isn't the way that I will raise my children. Slightly OT - I've already told my 2 sons that when their dad and I die that they are, along with future wives and kids (if that happens) each others families. When I mentioned that to them, it was at a time when they weren't getting along very well, they looked at each other quite surprised. Since then, I have seen a change in them in that they accept each others differences but at the same time have each others back and have begun to like each other.

Happy B-day, Oak!! Yes, please share your interpretation. What came to my mind in this situation, the bulb is not permanently out, just needs fine tuning a bit -- you know how sometimes if you twist it in the socket it might reconnect and shine. I'm hopeful that's the case here, whether it's just a matter of maturing, having a medical issue factored in or both. I think it is hard for many young people who are exposed to so much dysfunction in the media. They may not clearly understand that what's portrayed as typical is really promoting dysfunctional behavior, and so emulate the cable tv types, spin out of control and suffer the consequences with unhappy and unfulfilled lives. I'm sending good thoughts to the daughter so she can want to find a better path. Z's already on it. ;-) Thnx, blf. You made me reread my double post. I always try to edit before submitting but nonetheless make mistakes, and of course now caught "this" when I meant "thus" far. Oh well, nothing like having one's errors highlighted glaringly twice. LOL Don't know if you're so inclined, but instead of just ignoring MIL, maybe you could send good thoughts/pray for her change of heart. She may be running out of time, but even among the very advanced ageds I've witnessed some amazing transformations. Positive energy/prayer for another's well being definitely won't hurt, and might help!

Latest on our family saga: son has stopped one credit card that she had -- wasn't in her name, but she apparently had taken it and was able to use it. He has turned off internet connection, cable, and phones. A worrisome event was when her daughter started screaming at our 8 yr old granddaughter: "Your daddy is an Axx Hxxx...aren't you real proud of him now?" And the mother chimed in more obscenities. Our son immediately took our granddaughter back to her mother. She also called the police to make he didn't evict her. I'm doing a bit of checking on her, not sure what it will prove, other than if something turns up that shows she's done something like this before. She has lied about so many things -- it's just incredible. We were told the daughter was a straight A student, and was going to graduate ahead of her classmates. Intially she was quiet, but pleasant, so I overlooked the other things. Now we found out she hasn't even been in school full time for 2 years. She should be a junior, but doesn't even have enough credits to be classified as a sophmore. Her mother played a game with the school districts -- telling the one she should have gone to, that they moved, and she was enrolled in a different school. Guess they all fell for it. Yes, she used the word "hate" in reference to her feelings about family and former friends. Also told me her sister is a "psycho" -- maybe it runs in the family. Flower, thanks for the advice about NAMI. I will give them a call, and let you know what they say. Unfortunately our son lives 1000 miles from any other family, so we aren't close by, but have told him we will get on a plane whenever he needs us. I am a prayerful person, and lots of prayers are being said this week.

My $.02, for what it's worth, take what you like from it: I think the key to addressing these "furies" (they do exist, I can tell you from my own personal feelings having had them) is just to have some empathy for them. It's the difference between seeing the list cited above as "evidence" or "proof" of SD's rotten-ness versus truly trying to imagine yourself in SD's shoes to be able to see how good, average, decent people might have those feelings in these situations. Books like the one mentioned aren't written (hopefully!) as a warning to never marry someone with kids because the SK's "furies" are liquid evil incarnate, nor are they written to create even deeper rifts/divides between step-parents and step-children. They're written to help people understand all sides of the issue so they can be more compassionate and sensitve to each other's needs/feelings so they can become closer. For example, I've heard accounts from many SM's throughout my life about how upset/jealous/irate they have become just looking at their SD's giving their Dad a hug... or having such thoughts as "why should SHE get an Ipod when all I had was a big clunky 8-track when I was her age?" or "it burns me up how spoiled SD expects college to be paid for when I didn't even go at all". I guess you might call these sorts of feelings "furies" as well... Ipod, master bedroom, college expenses... all are comparsions between both parties as to "who gets to get what" and hugging Dad/going to adult party with Dad are issues on both sides of "who gets Dad's primary attention today"... So that might make it easier to understand. And just as an SM doesn't want to be judged or condemned as rotten through-and-through for feelings such as these (or even occasional, natural private feelings of "hate" when moments are at their worst), same goes for SK's. As for what can be done about all this, imho there's no way around both parties having to walk on eggshells a bit more than is usual in bio families, each trying to bend over backwards (within reason) to consider the other's sensitivities, even if at some moments it feels like eating glass. Even if it feels like they shouldn't *have* to make the extra effort. Taking some minor amount of cr*p here and there, up to a limit. Being somewhat flexible and definitely keeping a sense of humor. Showing an appropriate amount of humility and real-ness with the other party so neither comes off like they think they're superior or out to muscle their way on everything. The art of meeting halfway and mutual sacrifice for the greater good, the art of picking and even sometimes *losing* "battles" for a bigger long-term picture. Getting a lot less picky about little petty junk, for if nothing else your own sanity. Knowing that you can only control/change yourself and your own actions and figuring out how to adjust accordingly and react to situations to your satsfaction without thinking someone else will change. And as for speaking up and feeling heard, learning about something called "assertiveness training" helps A LOT (it's definitely helped me, anyways...)