Hi Gayle! I've seen you around the forums - glad you found this one! This is a great place to share ideas and get info. I only wish it were a bit more active, but maybe that will come as more people discover it. Jackie, lucky you, raising chickens and keeping bees! I've considered both, but so far my fear of bees and my procrastination have kept me from doing either. I'm hoping when my oldest starts college this fall it will give me some free time to put some of my plans into action! :) Dee

Welcome Dave! Great folks here on GW. You'll enjoy it and learn a ton. Saw your post on my "weather" post. 90 miles? That puts you in one of 3 places...Orange or Riverside County or the desert. You must have started early if you already have peppers. I, myself, started late... wasn't going to do any at all due to the drought. Kevin

"I wanted to try at least for my DH because he has suffered a lot at the hands of his kids and I don't think it's acceptable. Someone has to tell them how badly they are behaving." I think you need to be careful about this. For one, it can often be self-serving and underlying it is a secret or not-so-secret wish for Dad to see how rotten his kid is... not really to actually help Dad or make him feel any better but to make you feel superior in comparison to the rotten kid. It's a common enough gambit ---"I just care about how this is affecting YOU..."--- and like any other area of life where we take an active interest in others' well-being, there is often just as much of an element of us wanting to feel pleased with ourselves, that's what's in it for us. Some people may think this paints a very bleak picture of human nature, but sadly I think it's pretty accurate if we are honest enough to admit it to ourselves. I don't personally think there's anything wrong with wanting a self-serving benefit out of doing what we feel is a good deed, or out of concern for others. After all, at best it can be a win-win situation: you can support others and in return pat yourself on the back for being a good upstanding person. But there are times when it crosses a line and that's when it starts to HARM rather than help relationships, creating a RIFT rather than a BRIDGE and where it can come dangerously close to being more of a WIN for us and a great LOSS to someone else. That isn't "win-win" anymore, that's one-upmanship. In stepfamilies, especially, where there's naturally such a risk of excessive competition, we all have to avoid this danger. And I'm not just saying this as the stepdaughter who's apparently been painted as a monster by my SM to my Dad and every little tiny misunderstanding pryed open with a clawhammer to create a rift the size of the Grand Canyon... I'm also saying it because I have been on the other side of it, in that the way my SM treated my Dad appalled ME. Many were the times I was tempted to "point out" how disrespected and even abused he was... I always kept it to myself, except for one time when he literally dragged it out of me. And boy did I suffer the wrath! Even though he solicited it, deep down he did not want to hear it. (Just like I'm sure these Dads don't want to hear how disrespectful and horrible, etc. their own children may or may not be.) And deep down this was because he had in fact chosen to tolerate her behavior by not standing up for himself. In my case, it was my SM who acted the part of manipulative bratty, sh*t-fit-throwing little girl (she even called him "Daddy"), but you can see this can go both ways and apply to stepkids or step-parent. Or just anyone who treats anyone else we care about like crap. We can offer our input if asked; they may not take it. We can support them and try to help them feel stronger about themselves, but at the end of the day, it is THEIR LIFE to preside over and make decisions about. If my Dad or your husband gets disrespected, HE'S CHOOSING to put up with it, and if he's okay with it, then you simply have to wipe your hands clean and ignore it. If it is REALLY about concern for how HE suffers, then he must not be suffering that much if he doesn't put a stop to it. These are grown men we're talking about, men who have supported and helped US through many struggles, surely. And really, if you're totally honest, isn't it also that the disrespectful behavior you can't stand for HIM to be subjected to is the same disrespectful behavior YOU are so hurt by from the person? You have to admit that and own it, because the "poor victim" already knows it and resents that you're trying to make it seem that it's ALL out of concern for THEM when it's really only partly concern for them and just as much concern for yourself. Nothing wrong or shameful in that, you just have to own your own feelings and not be ashamed to admit them out loud. Not that we don't REALLY care about our long-suffering loved ones. Of course, we all do! Believe me, I know how hard it is to watch certain things inflicted on someone you love, but that person is really the only one who can say "***I*** won't tolerate it anymore", and they have to do that after they've reached a point where THEY really can't tolerate it. When something bothers a person enough, they'll find a way to either change it, or if they can't change it to adjust their reaction so the negative behavior doesn't have power over them. If he's not doing either, it doesn't bother him that much, plain and simple. It was incredibly rough realizing that was the case with my Dad and my SM's behavior ---even more excruciating was the thought that he might actually LIKE IT--- but it was what it was and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. In a nutshell, when you seek to establish yourself as a caring person and when you express a concern directly to someone about that person's relationship with a certain loved one, you have to first ask yourself "is what I'm going to say going to actually IMPROVE that relationship or harm it? Am I offering any positive constructive suggestions to help them get along BETTER or am I saying incendiary things that will make them get along WORSE? What is MY goal in all this? How can I still come out smelling like a rose with my helpful comments while avoiding making a conflict worse?"

wow, it's been forever since i popped back into this forum and i was reading through the threads and found this one that i posted 2 years ago. what a blast from the past! update on situation... in november of 2004 my ex contacted me (no surprise, he needed money). i sent him the money with the demand that i be allowed to contact my son and see him. it was difficult, but i made the decision that what has happened, happened, and i did not pursue any type of legal action on his disappearing with my son. nothing can bring back the time i lost with my boy, i figured all i could do was move forward from that point in time where we reestablished contact. i am happy to say that my son spent last summer with us, and again this past christmas. it hasn't all been easy, my older son wants nothing to do with his brother and refuses to be in the house when his brother is here (older son went out west to visit his father last summer while younger son was here, same at xmas time) i remember long ago during mediation the counselor used the term "polarized" regarding my boys, i didn't really understand what it meant at the time, but now i think i do. i'm hoping over time the boys will come together as brothers and that they can overcome the damage that their father has done to their relationship. it's almost summertime again, and i am looking so forward to having my now 15 year old son back in my home for a couple of months. his little sister adores him and she misses him terribly when he leaves to go back to his father. my son is not happy with his father, he has expressed a longing to come live with us (and since he is over the age of 14, in the state he lives in, he would be able to go into court and tell the judge which parent he wants to live with) , but the feud with his brother is getting in the way. i would love to find a way for these boys to get along and try to find some sort of neutral ground, and then i could put my family back together again completely. in the meantime though, i treasure every visit and phone call with my son and i thank god every day that my boy is back in my life. :) jiggreen