Seven years acquaintance / three years of marriage. You know what you have and very likely what you're going to have. If that's what you want, stick with it. If you don't, then don't kid yourself -- or him.

"I want to leave him but feel trapped by fear of loneliness and indicission."

You're basically lonely now. In any event feelings of loneliness come and go. Don't worry about it. Indecision is nothing more than your dithering. I suspect all that's really holding you back is money -- which he has because he's working and you don't because you're not. I think you're staying because of that support and your only real "fear" is of no longer having it if you leave.

In any event, please don't be having babies right now. Given what you've described of your sex life, perhaps not an issue anyway.

You sound immature to me but your 29-year-old husband sounds like an emotional adolescent. Hope he makes enough money to make the rest of him worthwhile.

You are not happy, you are young, do something about it, whilst you can. If you persist with your course you will just be making it more difficult to extract yourself.

Life is too short for all the indecision you are going through. Admit you have made a mistake and move on. You can learn from all this and you will be a lot more aware the next time around.

Doesn't sound like you have had much experience with other men.

It is a lot harder to dissolve a marriage when you have children so please don't consider bringing children into this unhappy union.

I wish you all the best, you sound like a nice girl, who will make a lovely mother and wife, if given the right opportunity to shine.
P

I agree with the other two posters that its time to move on. I dont agree that you sound immature, quite the contrary. I think you are looking at everything with very realistic expectations and emotions. You're young enough to start over without having this marriage be anything more than a fleeting memory. Get out before you wake up 10 years from now with a couple of kids feeling the same way you feel now.

I would also be looking at leaving the marriage if things are as you say. You aren't happy and hubby knows it but doesn't do a whole lot about the situation. It also seems that he is dragging you down to his level of complacency. If you want to give it one more try tell him you are now thinking of leaving him because of how things are in the marriage. (I'm not sure if you told him you want to leave as opposed to not being happy, etc.). But at 24 you are still young and will be able to start over again and please, please don't have any children with him. It would not help the situation. It would only make it worst. Take care, NancyLouise

Plan also to be SINGLE for several years, whilst you 'grow up' and I don't mean that negatively, but since you've been together so long, you know nothing else.

Consider travel, maybe volunteering overseas or something, to broaden your horizons when you finish your studies....using husband as a meal ticket isn't right, if you're not happy, you're doing neither of you a favour.

The video games don't surprise me, 29 is the new 19, and, as you've discovered with the nag/clean/teen cycle, you are his substitute mother.

"....29 is the new 19...."

This is a WONDERFUL line! Seems to be true in soooo many cases, doesn't it?

Oh, I feel for you, because I've been there. It's like walking away from a beautiful pair of shoes that you know will give you a lot of pain because they will never fit.
Part of really becoming an adult is being your own best friend and doing what you need to do to have a successful emotional life. Be your own parent here - it's very hard but deep in your heart, you know what you have to do.

I have also been where you are, and it doesn't change. I will tell you the same advice the others have given. It doesn't sound as if the man is terrible, just a terrible fit for you. He has a lot of growing up to do, but you have some to do, too. You need to learn who you are and what will make you happy. Thanks to the experience of being married and not happily, you now know what you don't want. Now it is time to look for what you do want and to do that you will need to know what that is. Take your time and find you. Don't jump into anything and reguarding the emotional affair, make sure you don't do anything that will cause you to lose your self respect. It is something that will give you the backbone you need to keep going when you have a rough day. Find some friends who will listen and do what you need for you.

How do you leave a good man? You keep in mind, if you're going to leave him no matter what, do it now so that you don't waste any more of his time. Or yours. But do him a favor and move on rather than drag on. Do take care!

-Robin

Oh brother, many responses here are that she should leave her husband because he apparently isn't giving her the attention she thinks she needs.

He has also been called an emotional adolescent, apparently because he likes to play video games and spend time with friends. Naturally, all the women here rush to poster's aid with nary a questioning of her attitude.

It's so pathetic what marriage has turned into. If the little princesses every need isn't met, off with his head!

No mention or disapproval whatsoever of poster's affair, emotional or not, she still cheated. No mention of the poor man's life and obligations. She doesn't work. He is apparently working his ass off so she can be a student.

As far as housework goes, if she's not working, why shouldn't she do it all? It would be different if she was working also. We don't even know if she's a full time student.

It sounds like she's a little princess with too much time on her hands and has nothing to do but feel sorry for herself. And of course, all of the I-Village brigade here comes to her rescue. So typical.

If she wants more sex, she should ask for it! Just like men have done for centuries. Sure we get shot down plenty but it's not the end of the world. If she wants attention and affection, be interesting and stimulating and not so whiny. Would any woman here want a whiny man tailing around after them?

Her poor husband slaves away at his job, he probably has more than one, and comes home to a petulant brat. I wouldn't be all lovey-dovey with her either. I would prefer the company of friends and video games over the whining of a woman-child.

To OP, yes I've been harsh but instead of pointing fingers at just your husband and assigning him all the blame, take a look at yourself also. An unhappy marriage is never entirely the fault of one person.

Sometimes it is.

And sometimes it isn't, even if the other person has just been enabling...or whatever.

No doubt there is the husband's side which we didn't address, but it wasn't put to us that way. Yes, it does sound like he's working hard, and yes it sounds like he's immature in other ways. They do say that 28 is the new 21, and it's very true.

It's also true that the US, and to a lesser extent, most other western nations have become nations of adolescents, people who never quite grow up. Look at the obsession with high school reunions, and the sites etc through which people, probably once or more divorced, reconnect with their high school sweethearts etc.

Blame aside, it sounds as if this relationship of the OP is somewhat dysfunctional. If neither is willing to work on it - and being together since she was 17 isn't the best possible start - then perhaps the other option should be considered, sooner rather than later.

Of course, these are just opinions, and none of us has any psychic powers or special insight!

It sounds to me like neither one of you is really working at making this marriage a good one.
And unless both of you are willing to make some effort. nothing will change.

By the way, every marriage is like that:
"if he won't put away the dishes, why should I?
If he won't plan a romantic night out why should I?"
When one partner stop trying, the relationship begins to sag.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions:

- Are you ready to be married? (Sounds to me like maybe you're not.)
- Do you really want this marriage to work? (Sounds to me like maybe you don't.)
- Are you willing to put in the effort (housework, emotional risk-taking) to make the marriage work? (Sounds to me like maybe you're not.)

If you decide to leave the marriage, do it quickly, kindly and honestly.
Tell him you married too young.
Admit your part in the marriage's failure.
Then wish him well and leave.

I'm new here, but I just have to comment on this post.

As a woman who has been married three times, my input on this is, you are very young and obviously not ready to be married. You made a decision to be married because of the hype of forever romance we have crammed down our throats since we were little girls.

Well, I have a good one for you. It doesn't happen all that often. I happen to be in one, which is very fortunate for me. But, generally, from my past experience, this just isn't the case. (My last marriage was for 10 and a half years. The last two we were separated.)

You say you aren't happy. Have you asked him if he is happy? Does he love you or have you asked him this? He seems to want to do the right thing. As you said, things change for awhile, but then he's right back to doing the old stuff.

My husband used to spend a lot of time with his friends-to the point where friends were asking why I was sitting home alone all the time. This went on for years, but I made a commitment to stay married for life, and I stuck to that.

We just celebrated our 20th. Anniversary in August. If I had not hung in there, we would have been divorced a long time ago. Am I completely happy with my marriage? Heck no, and I don't believe anyone is. Does that mean I walk away from a good man, who loves me with all his heart and does his best to take care of me? NO.

Why you ask would I stay in a marriage where I'm not completely happy? It's because, my dear, I made a commitment to my husband that I would stay with him through sickness and in health and in any financial situation. You know the rest. And I believe we have to keep working on our marriage. It doesn't come easy. As a matter of fact, marriage can be quite hard, but there are great benefits for when you get it right.

I don't work either. So I feel it is my responsibility to take care of our home and my husband. I fix his meals, clean our home, and give him special attention. There isn't a day we don't hug and kiss one another. I also give him rub downs, and serve him his coffee when I wake him in the morning. He loves these special attentions. Have you ever just taken the time to do this for your husband?

You say he doesn't want sex, even when you initiate it. Is it possible he just isn't all that interested right now? Maybe he's tired. Maybe he needs a nutritional boost or some other way to get his mojo back. We have the opposite problem. But did my husband leave me or cheat on me? NO. Not once! He also believes in commitment even though I have a physical problem that makes sex impossible.

Why are we so committed? Because we believe what the Word of God says. We believe we are to stay married and work on our marriage no matter what the world throws at us or what physical problems may arise. Are you ready for that? Loving your spouse is a second by second, minute by minute decision. You decide to, unconditionally love that person, with the love of God. Eros love is fleeting. Agape love is unconditional and life lasting. This is how we have overcome the many obstacles that has faced us.

Should you stay in your marriage? NO!!! You aren't willing to work on it. You haven't said anything about how he feels or what he wants, which tells me you are not ready to be in a committed relationship. So I say, you aren't willing to stay in this marriage because you feel lonely and ignored. So do most of the women in this day. A lot of people don't seem to understand marriage is a lifetime commitment, not just something you throw off like an old pair of shoes just because things aren't exactly as they imagine.

Learn from this experience, and then when you make that commitment the next time, you will be ready and know it is the exact right thing to do. It took me three times to get it right. Don't let that happen to you.

By the way, I'm 62 so I've been around for awhile and understand the nature of human behavior quite well.

Best to you, my dear, in whatever you decide. But, ultimately, it is your decision. No one elses. No one can make it for you. You are you you have to live with.