Relocating for job opportunities

21 years ago

I feel like I have a dilemma - or at least the start of one!

For starters, Dh and I have been married a little over 3 years. He teaches at a private school and I'm a SAHM to our 10-month-old son. I also do some freelance writing/editing work on the side.

For a while DH has been stressed and somewhat unfulfilled with his job. We don't live/work in a typical situation - we work and live at the school so he is with students almost all the time. He has been thinking about sending resumes to other schools, although the opportunities are limited since he is not certified - you don't have to be to teach at a private school - and since he has no desire to teach in a public school, I don't see him becoming certified in the future, which is no problem.

He wants to apply to schools in Eastern PA, near his parents, where there are many possible opportunities. The problem is, I don't want to live there! I lived in that area for three years before we were married and while I was single, it was great. Now that we're married and have a family, not to mention have been living in the "country" for all this time, I'm used to the relative peace and quiet. I'm used to being near the city but far enough away. Same with the inlaws. While we have a good enough relationship and they're very generous and caring, I am not close to them. Especially not like I am with my mom. And I don't think that would change if we were geograpically closer.

DH is worried about his mental health status if we stay; I'm concerned about mine if we leave! I don't want to live in an area that's gotten so overcrowded and busy that I feel like I can't breathe or travel by car without significant stress. I don't want my inlaws (or DH's neurotic sister) on my doorstep all the time. While I want them to see their grandson, I'm not sure I could take regular visits.

I also would miss seeing my mom more often, since she's only 4 hours away. She visits quite frequently (but doesn't hover or overstep her boundaries). Yet since we've been married, and even though the inlaws talk about how much they want to see us, etc. they've only visited us once up here.

I finally told DH that I didn't want to live there, and he understands, but he wants to apply anyway to see what opportunities might be available. While that's great and all, I almost know without a doubt he would probably get hired as he's a former student of the school and former resident of the area. Everytime I visit the the area (and since I used to live there) I just don't see how I could be happy there. *Sigh*

Any words of advice?

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Comments (4)

Meghane
21 years ago
Phyllis, my DH relocated to a place I wasn't to thrilled about either. Although I am a city girl, and we moved to Durham, which is not a real city, so that's why I was (am) not so happy about the move. Even nearby Chapel Hill and Raleigh aren't that great as far as cities go.
One thing Eastern PA has over Triangle area of NC is transportation. Maybe he can commute to the train station, allowing you to live further from his job than right in the city or even suburbs. For a while DH commuted to train station near our home in northeastern MD to get to a job in DC. It wasn't fun for him, especially since he didn't like the job at all, but it can be done. If your husband does get a job and relocates the family, he should have to compromise on certain things as well. So he may have a longer commute. There are nice rural areas in eastern PA that are not too far from cetain cities. Just take a good look at all the options before deciding you are going to be unhappy.
About the inlaws, I don't have any advice. I love mine, but since both our families still live in MD, we don't get to see them often enough. I also don't have kids, so there isn't the grandchildren issue to deal with.
Anyway, take your time about finding a compromise that will work for both of you. I know uprooting the family isn't a fun thing to do. But you should be able to work together to make it enjoyable for both of you.
Good luck.
Meghan
momto4kids
21 years ago
Phyllis-Your description of where you live sounds like where I live...but in Northern Virginia. We recently moved out of "close-in DC" to the "country" because our children go to a private school about 45 min to an hour west of DC. We have city life when we want it, but are far enough out that we enjoy relative peace and calm all other times.

Maybe this would be a spot for you. Aside from "our" school, there are a number of good private schools far enough out of the rat race that might appeal to you and your DH. It's not that far from PA or NY either!

If you're interested, email me and I'll name a few schools to look into. Deb
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phyllis_philodendron
Original Author
21 years ago
Thanks for the offer, Deb!

I hate to sound close-minded, but every time we visit, I get such a negative feeling about the area. All the people, the traffic, everything - is just not what I'm used to. The further south we get to Philadelphia the more crowded it is, and although once in a while I can deal with the hustle and bustle when I have to go somewhere, I just don't think I could deal with it everyday. That area has really blossomed - and IMO not necessarily in a positive way - which means the city is slowly creeping north: more people, overpopulated schools, crazy traffic that means it takes forever to get anywhere. When I was single this was no big deal. But now I guess I am just getting older!
momto4kids
21 years ago
I agree! I've decided I'm too old, or life's too short, or some such reason, for avoiding the hub-bub! I didn't mind it, in fact I craved it when I was single. But now, no thanks, I've got too much to do to be stuck in traffic 3 hours a day!