Wow Rotny, I'm not sure how to help you. On on hand, you're saying that she loves to exercise and that she joined a diet program and she has lost 13 pounds so far but on the other hand, it sounds like she is not losing the weight fast enough for YOU. It takes a long, long time to change bad habits so it doesn't sound surprising (to me) that she would still be craving doughnut holes or any other type of junk food.

With the last line of your post ""I wish she would just let me know either way and stop playing these games"", I think you are answering your own problem. If you think she is just playing games with you and that you "gambled" when you decided to marry her and that you are embarrassed to be seen with her...maybe it's time that you seriously speak with her about getting separated. I've never taken the subject of divorce (or separation) lightly ...in this case if all you can see is her fat when you look at her, you may never get over this hurdle.

Rotny,
You are both in a tough position. It seems like you both love each other, you love her and value the other qualities she has which were attractive enough to you in the beginning to put her weight problem as a lesser concern. And it sounds to me like although she may have a stubborn streak in her, she loves you enough to realize that her size is becoming a major issue in your marital happiness and has tried on more than one occasion to attempt weight loss. The problem is, if she is doing it just to please you, she isn't putting her heart into it, like a true TYPE A would. She needs to want this for herself before she can make the commitment to stay with her weightloss plan, and not blow any progress she makes, no matter how slowly she loses it.
My husband and I are trying to lose weight too. For months, I had been hinting that he was getting quite the stomach on him. He looked like he was about 7months pregnant! His parents also made comments about his weight, but he always shrugged it off. Finally, about 1 month ago, he decided he was tired of looking at his stomach hanging out of his undershirts, and began dieting. He's lost about 15-18 lbs already and it shows. I am proud of him for finally wanting this for himself. That's what it takes.

Thanks for the responses ladies. The wife and I had a long heart to heart over the weekend and we both learned some things about the other that we weren't aware of. Isn't it funny how perception can be so very different from reality?

I need to apologize for being so harsh in my previous posts. I shouldn't have lashed out so violently. I was just so frustrated about the situation that I lost my head.

Denise has every intention to lose the weight and she also assured me that her slips here and there are not personal attacks on me. She said that this is a serious challenge for her and that she beats herself up even more than I do when she has a set back. Having not realized this before, I was withdrawing emotionally from her whenever she "missed the mark" which would only perpetuate the problem.

Denise and I love each other and - even though we've entertained the thought of divorce on several occassions - we both want this to work out. After we both unloaded and cleared up a HUGE misunderstanding, we had a hug and conceded that we're gonna' be just fine.

Relieved
Rotny

Hi Rotny,

That's great news. I'm glad you and your wife are working things out.

..."Faith, Hope, and Love"...

I wish my husband would realize he has a drinking problem. Anytime I mention it he says its not a problem but I feel it is. He is a good provider and works 6 days a week. As soon as he comes home from work he goes down to his pole barn and sits and finishes off a 12 pack of beer. I've tried talking to him about this and he continues to think this is not a problem (at least not to him). Then when he does come into the house to eat he can barely keep his eyes open and falls asleep with half the food on his plate. We have no life at all. I've tried to talk to him about AA but again HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM ????? I guess I'm the one that does. Sorry this is so long but I have to talk to someone. THANKS

There is a group that I think is called Al-Anon, for those affected by living with an alcoholic. Call your local AA group and ask - I hear it can be really helpful.

Best wishes to you.

I'm afraid that if he found out I went he'd be REALLY upset. Like I said he thinks he doesn't have a problem cause he goes to work everyday,pays the bills and so on. I am just so tired of living like this all the time. I can hardly stand to talk to him anymore about anything. He doesn't listen and can't remember anything I tell him. I'm so frustrated with the situation. THANKS

Then your alternative is to live like you are forever.

His "being upset" shouldn't stop you. He can choose between "being upset" and "getting divorced", which is where this will end up if someone doesn't do something.

Best wishes to you - it's not an easy situation.

The best advice I ever heard about this was a quote from a senior when she was asked how in the world she and her husband had stayed married 75 years. She said her aunt told her on her wedding day to make a list of ten of her grooms annoying faults or behaviors and that she would just have to ignore them since nobody is perfect. Whenever he annoyed her with one of those bad behaviors she was to bite her tongue and walk away. She said it really helped her to keep things in perspective to just shrug it off as "one of those things he just does". The interviewer asked her, "so what were the ten things on the list?" The senior answered, "Oh, I never got around to making the list. So everytime he annoyed me, I just said,'Oh that's one of those things!' and let it go.

Rotny,
The more you love her and show her your love, the more confident and determined she will be to be the best she can be. This works in many aspects of life. She may think you love her only for her appearance. If she is feeling more resentment from you than affection, she will build a wall to protect herself from the insinuations and dirty looks. What would happen if she was disfigured in a car accident, in surgery, breast cancer? Lost her hair? Would you really be better off without her in your life? Is there something else going on that makes you feel insecure about her? My Dad would only complain about my Mom's weight when he was feeling insecure about something in his life - like when he gained weight or something wasn't happening at work the way he wanted ... or worse yet when he started to lose his hair. Why didn't it bother you then, but it does now? There is something else happening here and you must really sit down and answer that question realistically and truthfully. I could understand it if she was an 80 pounder when you married and then gained weight, but you are changing the rules of the game midcourse and there must be a reason why. I don't think the weight has anything to do with it.

Thanks for your comments Rosie. The issue I've been writing about has EVERYthing to do with Denise's weight; and I assure you, I would be much WORSE off if she wasn't in my life. Denise is more than I could have imagined spiritually, intellectually, emotionally...She's everything I wanted in a spouse - nix that - she's more than I could have hoped for except for her weight. And because she had/has so many other exceptionally attractive qualities I didn't want to risk losing her just because she was fat. My rationale was "it's much easier to change a person's body than that person's beliefs and ideals".

I've pondered scenarios such as the ones you mentioned that would cause a less-normal appearence but I can say with confidence that I would love Denise just the same. I say that because she has virtually no control over curcumstances but she has every bit of control over her weight.

My problem wasn't so much with Denise's weight, it was that she outright refused to do anything about it. She knew the negative longterm effects of obesity, she had seen obesity take its toll on family and friends, she had been cautioned by several healthcare professionals...she knew the facts and had a veriety of resources to tap into for assistance; but because I was so "hung up on wanting a wife with a nice body" and because she was convinced that I lied to her in the first place, she was willing to forfeit her health AND appearence to spite me. It was her blatant refusal that got me all in a huff. And, as I mentioned before, things just snoballed after that.

Well, as it turns out, she has taken steps to lose weight and is making great progress. And she has stated, in no uncertain terms, that her actions aren't to appease me. She's doing this for herself. I've also made some changes in my attitude toward this situation and toward her and have noticed a marked difference in the atmosphere.

I couldn't be happier. I am absolutely undone with anticipation and, as sure as I am writing this now, Denise will be glad she did it when she's done.

Rotny

The one thing I wish I could change about my husband is his inability to just not care so passionately about everything he does! I love that he takes pride in his work and relationships, but it drives me crazy to see him knock him self out over & over because it means so much to him not to let other people (me included) down. I'm afraid he's going to stroke out or just keel over one day, long before I'm ready to let him go! If only he could occasionally take the attitude" So what if it doesn't get done--the world won't come to an end tomorrow." Sometimes his stress level gets so high you can virtually see his blood pressure raising right off the charts. I'd sure love him to be around for our golden years.

Rotny:
I understand your situation more than anyone. My guy is about 75 lbs overweight and he is only 38. I go to the gym. He's too tried to go to the gym, so he'll sit with the guys S-Th 5:00 - 10:00 pm playing cards. At this rate, what is he going to weight at 48 .. 58 .. 68. Health is an issue. He complains about back pain everyday.

Getting Close To Retirement.. I just wish she would get a job. I really don't want to have to get another full time job after working for the past 30 years and getting a modest pension. My wife says she just has no intentions of ever working. I have a hard time looking forward to retirement and thinking of supporting her.

And for her sake.. I wish for her is to lose weight she has been talking about it for years. She is now getting close to 300 lbs. I know her weight must bother her. She talks about losing weight all the time, for years !

I have talked about each subject with her... It becomes a very heated discussion from her end.

I worry about him trying to please everyone all the time. It stresses him out. But if I say something about it, guess what- he's stressed out even more because I'm not pleased with him trying to please people. He just can't seem to realize that other people's happiness doesn't depend on him- it depends on them. But if a group of people are doing something together that he planned, and for whatever reason it doesn't work out so great for someone, he makes himself almost sick because that person isn't having fun. I'm worried that he'll give himself a heart attack- both his parents come from a long line of heart victims- his dad has had several heart attacks already- both parents have high BP and cholesterol, etc. so he's pretty much screwed genetically. Luckily, I cook healthy meals, otherwise I think he'd be dead already.

Anyway, I wish I could make him feel less stressed. Because I want him around for a long, long time.

I would change the way he kisses me. We've been together for nearly 10 years, married 6 1/2, and this has always been a problem. He's a very wet kisser, and I get "grossed out" by lots of moisture. I know that it's just a matter of preference and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with his technique, but it doesn't turn me on. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive and weird. When I demonstrate the way I like to be kissed, and when I "encourage" him by responding enthusiastically when he kisses me without all the tongue and slobber, he gets excited and reverts back to the wet kisses that he prefers.

He's wonderful in so many ways that I feel guilty complaining about this; however, sometimes I'm overcome with dread at the thought that I may never again enjoy kissing. (He's a smoker, and -in addition to the wetness- I sometimes have to hold my breath in order to kiss him.)

jayem,
I lost my only brother in Nov.'02 to a massive heart attack.He was the best!BUt after losing my dad 9 mths earlier in Feb. he took on the roll of trying to make sure my mother was taken care of.Mind you there are 6 kids and at least 2 of us girls were just as devoted as him to our mother.But there were things that my mother would only allow my bro. to do because he was her son and he did everything so well.She wouldn't even let her sons-in-law do things because she preferred my bro do them.Also he was so devoted to his church that he was always the first one there to make sure the air was just right or the last to leave because he wanted to make sure the lights were all out.The older ladies adored him because they could ask anything of him and he would do it.His older neighbor was always bringing things over to his shop for my bro to work on and Randy never turned him away.The night prior to losing my bro he had been up at the church working on some lighting.Due to his desire to please evryone and do everything so well I no longer have the only man in my life that ever came close to walking in my dads shadow.He is gone now and I still have bad days cause I miss him so much.I feel for you.Do what you can to get your spouse to ease up on himself before it's too late.Somethings can wait!

After being hitched to her 30 yrs, I forbid any changes period. We knew each other for a total of 5 months and asking her was and still is the best thing I ever came up with. Two kids and one grandson and don't even try to change anything!
Huffy1

Rotny

I am like 20 - 30 # over weight and have already lost 12# The thing that kills me is the cravings! I'm telling you they KILL me the only thing that works for me is coral calcium. I would swear on my death bed by this stuff. My stepfather has lost 50# with it and the Atkin's diet. I have noticesd as did my husband that not only did we not crave carbohydrates but also we ate more green leafy vegetables drank more water and rarely were hungry. If you want more info run a search. Also note that the stress of the weight on the bones makes for arthritis. Get her to try it for one month. It isn't cheap but like I used to eat out all the time. Big Mac here I come. I rarely eat at McDonald's now and if I do They have a chicken ceasar salad that is to die for.

Another key isssue is that if she has a history of abuse the weight may make her feel safe...

***What would I change about my DH???? He would want to have wild sex at least 2-3x a month!***

Thanks for the tip sewcrazy. I'll check it out but right now the ball room dancing is working magnificently! Denise's biggest problem was idle time so we set up our schedules so that we're in the dance studio almost every night. Now a sponteneous evening trip to the fridge or an eatery has been taken out of the equation.
We're not dancing for Denise to lose weight - is just so happens to be a terrific side effect. And because she's liking this so much she wants to do it as much as she can. And the more she dances the faster the weight is coming off...without her even "trying".
I have every confidence that she'll make it this time because this time she really does want it.

Rotny

As we're going into our fifties, my hubby is getting more and more rigid in his thinking and behavior. He never wants to do anything spontaneous or new. Once a pattern is established, it becomes law. I love him dearly, but am getting more and more fed up with his routines. I've seen this behavior in the elderly, but he's only 52! I can't even imagine what life is going to be like when we DO get older. He isn't extreme enough to think it's some sort of obsessive-compulsive behavior, and unfortunately our family doctor isn't a big believer in psychological problems anyway, so there's no help from that quarter. Unfortunately he has almost no outside interests, so it's hard to engage him in anything different, he just isn't interested. He's very sweet and loving, but BOOOORING!!!

Of course I love my husband for who he is, faults and all but..... If I could change one thing I would wish that he wasn't so high strung. He gets really worked up and upset about things that most people wouldn't think twice about. I hate it when he gets so upset because I know for him it can't be any fun to be in that state and for me I have a difficult time being around him when he's yelling and really worked up.

Lunamoon, maybe it isn't the little thing that he's upset about----is there a "big" thing that's upsetting him? Not that I'm taking his side, or anything.

I think I would change 2 things about my husband----I would want him to not fuss about wearing a tie to church on Sundays (he doesn't wear one now---wears like a polo shirt and jacket) and I would like for him to quit watching old army movies----over and over and over....

Yellowhair~ I don't think it is a larger issue manifesting itself this way. It is just his nature to be high strung. Most of his family seems to be that way. They get really upset about fairly small things.

I would have my spouse run out into the world confident enough to fulfill her dreams.

puc13~ That's a beautiful wish!

My husband when he gets angry is quick to yell. if I could change one thing, it would be that he would think first, and answer calmly. Other than that he is a wonderful man!

His ambition. He's always had so so jobs before we married. I encouraged him to start his own business when an opportunity arose. He did, and after 2 years it was a big flop because he didn't work at it hard enough. After that, I encouraged him to go back to college. He did and graduated with honors! I thought, "Wow, now he's on his way!" No go. He decides to take an easy slacker job making pennies for a friends company. Now, after less than a year, his friends business is closing and he's out of a job. I'm encouraging him to start his resume and get a "real" job but he keeps coming up with all these "lame" jobs that don't meet up to what "I think" is his potential. He is soooo smart I just don't get it!

The thing is, I make a very good living. In fact, we don't even need his income to be comfortable. But it irks me that I work, I take care of the house, I do all the shopping and cooking, I tell him what needs to get done around the house. We have no children together (I have a 17 year old from previous marriage) so it's not like he can be a stay-at-home-dad or anything.

I love him so much. He's sweet, funny, smart, affectionate, loves me dearly, appreciates me dearly, we are best friends. Should I just accept that he's not a working kinda guy and know that it will always be my resposibilty to take care of everything? When we fight it can get pretty ugly on my part. I tell him he's lazy and using me. That's very hurtfull to him and I don't want to hurt him but that's the way I feel sometimes. I think that I need to just accept him, but it's hard.

I wish my husband would talk more, and am surprised no one else said that already, unless I missed it! He will listen endlessly and not complain, but I have a hard time getting much input from him, he says he's listening and doesn't want to interrupt, that's hogwash. He has other excuses too, like that he thinks I want him to talk like a "woman" or a "gay man" and that men just don't talk as much as women.
Sometimes he'll open up, but then the next time he's all quiet again. Sometimes he complains that I go on and on about things, and I tell him the only reason is because I can't get him to participate in the conversation and until we resolve whatever issue I'm talking about I can't just let it go. I believe in resolving, not burying problems, because they'll come back to haunt you later on.

I used to think that getting him over his aversion to cheeses would make my life perfect-

then, I realized that if he liked it, I'd have to SHARE my vilely expensive aged gouda with him.

so I'm content.

there's nothing about him I'd be willing to give up.

I wish that he wasn't so high strung. He gets really worked up and upset about things. Then I start getting nervous around him, wondering what he's going to react to next.

Then, if I could change one thing about myself, it would be to take more responsibility for my actions, and not try to explain myself out of it.

If I could change one thing it would be to make him care that I'm so lonely I could just die. He would care that I wake up in the morning wondering why and wishing I hadn't. He would care that I spend all my free time by myself. It would matter to him that I see the end of my life racing toward me and getting more and more silent and lonely.

Yo, bellegirl. Cancel all your plans and get yourself to a medical professional immediately. You're in trouble and you know it. Don't wait for your husband to catch on. You can explain later. Do it now.

Bellegirl, that is very good advice from asolo. Print out your entry here as a guide/starter for yourself to talk to your doc. Please do talk to a professional right away. We'll be thinking of you.

Bellegirl,
I just saw your other post re: being lonely and the full story. I still think you would benefit from seeing a professional - even just to have someone face to face to work through the issues with. You note that you do have insurance (it recently went up in premium $'s - I know that hardship). Does your insurance cover mental health even 1/2? A counselor might be willing to accept just what insurance pays, or if not, maybe a sliding scale for anything over that.
Maybe I should have posted this on your other post but, I'm here now and this is more recent.
Could you try to set up a "date" with your hubby? Ask him to a movie and dinner after? Or try to entice him to play a game some night - I know you are tired at night after working but maybe instead of you reading and him watching tv you could play a game that is fun for both of you - DW and I like Scene It (movie based trivia game).
Good luck and I do hope you can get some quality time with him soon.

His breath! He honestly thinks that if he brushed his teeth last night, he should be just fine in the morning. It sure kills the romance fast. I'm realy tired of suffering with it, so I tell him, which annoys him big time. Then he gets mad at me. His discount dentist isn't helping. Something is really wrong dentally.

That he not perceive everything I say as a personal attack on him.

Always thinks he is right, and will not appologise when he is proved incorrect.

This is really a heart breaker after 24 years.

Popi

I wish I could change his self confidence. He has none. He worked for his father for 10 years as a car painter, even got one of his paint jobs published in a mini truckin magazine, but his father always made him feel his paint jobs were never good enough, very sad really. He has been gone from the bodyshop for 6 years, but now he feels like he never does a good enough job and says maybe they will fire him (I worked with him in a transmission factory, he about killed himself to do the best job possible)
You know what? Maybe I would change the fact that he is a perfectionest as well.
oops slipped 2 in.

Bellegirl= please, please talk to someone, you are scaring me. Do you have any friends you can talk to??? If you need to e-mail me just to talk feel free.

his address

I wish my husband was an honest man.

Well i dont know as to how many i shud be posting...but ours was an arrange marriage and have been married for 3 yrs. I have really tried to change him by talking to him but there r things that makes life difficult. His eating habbits are our of control. He is too lazy to excercise or walk. He is so moody that i wil never come to know wht he really wants from me or from life. His life is just office and laptop. Rest he is least bothered. I have made a different routine fro myself so that i dont frustrate my self and him. On weekends we will definately talk something that wil upset him so much that both the days there will be a dead silence in the house. He is affetced a lot by the fact that I and his parenst dont get along so well. He is too logical and wants me to always talk with a reason. I shud be talking to him in a certain manner that wud please him and if i dont then he is upset. I am always worried abt his health. His laziness and boringness botheres me a lot. He loves to keep silent and only talk when he has to. He wants me to dress uo in a certain manner where nothing shud be visible. I get grossed out by a lot of his habbits .
Well i guess i can go on forever.
Amazingly enuf i guess I wil go on like this.Coz i know he is not the type to change for me .Still never concedered separation ...wondering shud i .

you should

want my wife to be more loose, smile more, and stress less, and don't complain about everything in the world, lern things can always be worse and we need to live every day like its the last.

Nah Micke...thats not the solution...leaving him wud not give me the happiest life on earth ....i like to think it the other way...marriages are forever...not for a year or two..and then again we all have lots of faults...wht if he doenst like stuff abt me and wud leave me? wht wil it leave me with ..no i cant do that to him ...
maybe i made him sound too bad...he is a gud guy and a very humble one..maybe tooo gud for times like todays...

I think you are a very strong person mentally, that is what I think:)
I hope things get better with your relationship over time. I don't like to hear the part where you should be talking to him in a certain manner and if you don't he gets upset. I would think that would be like walking on eggshells:( I am afraid if I was in a situation like that I would not speak at all.

ya i guess u r right ..I am mentally strong but dont know for how long...
i did wht u said u wud ...i had stopped talking to him at all ...but i am not the kind of a person who feels fine when nothing is fine all around....so now i speak less i try not to discuss anything with him as i know we wil end up fighting ...but i dont know for how long ...i am gradually losing intrest in living life...each day feels like a drag...dont know wht to do ...

shwetagarg - where do you live? Are you in the far East? (if not, I apologize - I'm not trying to stereotype). You "sound" and write like someone I know and she is struggling with similar circumstances (I'm not suggesting that you are she - just saying that I understand the circumstance from talking ... long and hard, with her).

There are resources to help you with the type of marriage you're dealing with. I understand that you feel marriages are forever - that is the intent, but often not reality. Especially in arranged marriages, which you said yours is, it may not be right for either spouse.

I also understand cultural tradition - that is the situation with the person I know. But ... times change, and although tradition CAN be wonderful, it also may not be. Please do NOT lose your interest in living simply because you see no future with this man that someone thought you should be married to.

Suzieque

I appreciate ur concern. But I am not from east. Well i know wht all u said is true . But then there are a lot of things that made me do this .and those factors are still there. So i dont think the option for walking out of the marriage is one for me. I know and i understand fully that living a life for someone else is not the brightest thing to do but then again life is not easy for anyone ..I know he loves me a lot but not the way i wanted him to ..his family has brought him up in a very different environment than mine ..so a lot of problems comes coz of that ...then his parents dont like me and vice versa so he feels that his dream for a happy FAMILY is over and he is hurt by that so much so that a lot has changed inside him . so i know the causes of a lot of problems but then i cant do anything abt them.
I am trying to cope up with it as much as i can. I try to busy my self as much as possible . so lets see how it goes .
Thanks to all of u for listening me . I feel a less lonely

".I am mentally strong but dont know for how long... "

"..i am gradually losing intrest in living life..."

"so lets see how it goes ."

So...your life is manure with no end it sight and leaving isn't an option? How many lives do intend to have? I'd suggest taking control of this one.