I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard when you loose the one you love. We are both new here but both of us have found friends we can relate to & know they are here for us. I hope you will be able find new friends. Try to call your friends, sometimes people just don't know what to say so they don't call. Hang in there, for both of us time will heal.

Mary,know that I continue to keep you in my prayers.

Tami

Mary, don't rush into anything right now.Take the time to grieve and cry until you can't cry anymore.
That is what I did after I loss the love of my life 11 years ago. I cannot believe I got through it and you will to, just take your time.
I will be praying for you and keep us posted on how you're doing okay.

June

Oh Mary...I am so sorry for your sadness and loneliness. I am glad you had the minister-good for you.

Sending you special thoughts!

It sounds like the ceremony went well and. You dont have to worry anymore about being "accepted" by them now..Time to relax a bit and try to get interested in some activity. Perhaps a quiet talk with that retired minister might prove productive. And it i knice to know that you did what your loved one wanted. I'm sure some activity will open up and you will be able to comfort someone else in time . .

I wish you the best. I'm sure you will eventually fill your life again. DO reach out to your friends. They may not know if you want company or to be left alone for awhile. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.

Mary, I understand, COMPLETELY, what you're going through and I can empathize I have spent the last almost 5 years going through it. Please - feel free to email me and we can chat.

There are others here on this forum that have lost their husbands recently...maybe you could all help each other.

So sorry for your loss and loneliness.

patti

Thinking of you and am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will continue to reach out to the friends here at the KT. We are here every day for you if you need us.

Thinking of you and hoping each day is a little better.

Oh, my heavens, I am so glad you came back here to join in.
Share the good stuff too. Tell about someone who reached out or made you proud.

What have you told friends of yours who have lost spouses before you? You know so much more now. But share.

You may feel like you are put up on a shelf and left alone.
I believe that happens after the service is over and you settle in your place to adjust. Those feeling can change as long as you take advantage of any offers of dinner and believe people what to hear how you are doing. You will branch out. We always have to look for it when we are suddenly alone = most married couples greatest fear.

Thanks for taking the time to write.

ps..I wouldn't mond knowing what your husband's favorite meal was and having the recipe. I' like to learn a little about him and you.

Mary, I can't imagine your loss. Maybe it would help a little if you told us about your dh. What did he do that drove you nuts? What did he do that made you love him all the more?? :)

My condolences on your loss. I'm sure the grief is huge and here's hoping you find your ways of dealing with it. I agree to reach out. Call some old friends and talk a bit. Continue your hobbies and recreation. Use the internet. Volunteer. The world is opened up with the internet. Look for topics of interest to you and you'll find info galore. Maybe even a simple trip to the library or a museum will help take your mind off from things for a while. Maybe now is the time to try something you've wanted to do? Take a short trip or something. Or maybe just sit back, relax as best you can and catch your breath. I'm sure the last 3-4 weeks have just been a big blur to you.

Take care of yourself. This is a time many people don't feel like eating, but it's important. If you don't feel like cooking, go out or order in. Keep some things in the freezer you can microwave. Keep your nutrition up, drink plenty of water. Your health is important.

And we're here if you need us. My best to you.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
(((Mary)))

I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's passing, Mary. I hope time and friends will bring healing and get you through this lonely hurting time.

Mary there are many who have been through the loss of a husband and soul mate and we know the pain that you are going through right now....so all I can say is hang in there. Put one foot in front of the other one and keep on getting up every day and try to do it thinking of the happy and not the sad. One of these days you will feel like you are going to get through it and in the end you will have created a life without your DH........Just keep reminding yourself that he would want you to be happy and to have a good life....Big TX hugs to you..

First, my sincere condolences. I have been there - ten years ago this June.

DH's family virtually disappeared after the funeral, and we had no children. I had nor family living near me.

I was lonely, most of my friends were business friends, who were also distant.

I had let my business, in a fast moving field, go when DH needed me. I have no regrets whatsoever, but I just wasn't mentally ready to concentrate.

I did have the comfort of friends on this very forum.

Gradually, I built a new life.

Here's what I did:
I was at our community pool when someone mentioned a new nail salon in the neighborhood. I went, and you might laugh, but when she worked on my hands, and massed my arms and neck - I realized that no one had touched me, except for a handshake. As humans, we need physical contact, and I realized that I had lost that. I still go to that salon. Same with hairdresser. I also started getting my hair done every other month - when DH was ill with cancer, I had stopped that.

I soon realized the deeper loss....the loss of my future. We had been discussing retirement plans, a retirement together. I think this was the greatest loss - my "tomorrow" was gone, and I had to rebuild it.

I looked for, and found a part time job. Little pay, but it gave me a daily schedule.

I traveled a little.

Gradually, I built a new "tomorrow".

Good Luck, and God Bless....

(((Mary))) As already mentioned, there are a few here who have had recent losses, I hope you can all support one another. Do take your time, allow the tears to come, and then allow the happy memories in, the laughter. Remember too all those friends who offered to be there for you really do want you to reach out to them. That retired minister sounds like a great candidate. Eventually a support group might be helpful as well, often times funeral homes or hospitals offer them.

But in the interim, we are all here to lean on, we all want to get to know you so feel free to jump in on any thread.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do you like to read? My SIL lost her husband two years ago this month. She is still grieving but she purchased a Kindle last summer and keeps her mind busy by reading.

Remember we care. Hugs!!!

I too am sorry for the loss you feel as a new part of life begins. How recent this been, probably with the shock only now beginning to set in. Praise the Lord that you do have friends with whom to share the grief and are willing to do so. You will find your way, Phoggie, with faith and time.

All gave you good ideas, but Monica said (to me) it the best. Sometimes we have to just rebuild the life. Maybe talking to the retired minister may give you comfort and guidance. Is there a support group you can attend? You may have to try several. Your medical center may have some help also as to support groups--look in your paper. If you are like me, try not to release too much information in the first meetings--I want to tell someone everything, and then wonder why they don't want me around much. BUT, that is me and after many years, finally beginning to click.
As to family, may I suggest, starting a journal--or notebook-- and try to remember the good things, but don't forget the bad either. I use to be closer to DH's family but now because of the way they treat him (very little contact), I just put them on the back burner. I got along great with 2 sister in laws, but now one is gone, and the other has Alzheimer's and the kids just refuse to even write or?? or I have written them off. And they are not bad, just ??
It will take time to recover, and yes you will miss him. Could you start a scrapbook with pictures and journaling? Day by Day
Our thoughts are with you.
Marie

Sending a cyberhug. As you know, there is no normal time frame for grieving. You may need to let your friends know you still need them and how much their continued support is appreciated. Everyone needs to be needed.

So sorry (((Mary))). The pain is still fresh.. take your time to grieve. Email some of the widows here for support.. you may just make a lifelong friend!

I was widowed very young and have remarried, but that doesn't mean I don't still think about my first husband. He was the father of my only child. You will get so that you can live with it, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.

I agree about finding a grief support group to join. It will get you out of the house and among people who know exactly how you are feeling and what you're going through. I wish I could remember the name of the book that tells about the different stages of grieving. Maybe someone here knows the book I'm talking about.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you can find some comfort here.

Greetings Mary,

The phog will lift, bit by bit ... and you'll see a different life slowly take shape out of the mist.

Monica's a friendly, nice lady, smart, with common sense and a person with many facets.

Some books that have helped many with grieving were written a number of years ago by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: maybe a library or a nearby church would have them. Many have found them helpful along that journey to renewed life.

Some of your contacts may know of a group for bereaved people.

After my divorce I found comfort, support and strength in a group for single parents: instant acceptance, as they'd been down and were travelling a similar painful road.

(((((Mary)))))

ole joyful

I understand!!
It's about time for people to start asking you how "you're doing". They want you to say "you're fine" (because if you tell them how you really are..it makes them uncomfortable!

In 2008 I stood where you are now standing (a new widow) and also dealt with in-laws that weren't too happy with the way things were done..but most were smart enough to keep their opinion to themself.

Please feel free to email me anytime!! countrybumpkin68@comcast.net

phoggie, I know how you feel, I've been there.
You can email me also ktflgal@aol.com. What I did was I got a dog, and I am not a dog person. He has been a big help to me. You will have someone to take care of & talk to. They will listen too.
I rarely get a phone call, no cards, no job, nothing to do.
I did join a griefshare group, which helps and now they are forming a widows group and then we also do a lunch each week. Check out whats going on in your area. Email me.

I'm so sorry, (((Mary))). Never having lost a spouse I can not give you any advice, only hugs and support. What do you do as hobbies?

Just thinking of you, Mary, and sending thoughts and prayers your way. (((Mary)))

Mary-Phoggie-I am so sorry. I didn't know, I've been so wrapped up in my kidney transplant. I am so sorry,and I'm sending loads of prayers to you and your family. Please accept my sympathy. Try to remember the good times together inthe coming days. And grab God's hand, he's there for you.

Keep moving, Mary. Plan one thing to do every day that will get you out of the house, even if it is just to walk around the block or through a mall. Invite a friend to accompany you.

Is there a Senior Center in your community? They'll have a range of activities; try one. If there's a Ladies' Luncheon, perhaps with a speaker, invite a friend to attend with you. Invite some friends to go out for coffee or breakfast. Tell them you need some companionship as you try to find your new life, and keep these visits up-beat. (You can sink into grief *other* times -- like HERE!)

A hospital or hospice social work department should know when and where there are meetings of people who have lost loved ones. Find them. (Let us know how it goes.)

Keeping a journal can be helpful if it doesn't reinforce your grief. You will progress through this time of sorrow; the sunflower that is you will slowly turn to the sun of living your new life.

Cynic is right about keeping your body healthy -- hard to do when you are sad, but vital. Physical weakness will deprive you of the energy you need to carry on through this stress.

Heed Monica's advice about seeing to yourself. Get your hair done. Have a massage. Hug your family and friends.

Jerry now lives only in your memories, but you are alive. Live. Keep moving on.

Mary, please email me, (through my GW member page, so I can give you my phone number - we can get through this TOGETHER! Kay

Lots of good advice for you.. my condolences to you on your loss.

My condolences also.
I lost my running around partner (Mom) in June. 12 days after that my new pup was delivered. Just having him has made all the difference. Nothing is cuter or badder than a new pup!
Some days are still so hard and dreams of Mom can have me crying - one woke me this morning.
When someone asks how you are - be honest. Reach out to people. My mom was special to a lot of people and a lot of people are grieving her. You just reminded me I need to call some of them.
Hugs, Kathy

Warm ((((Hugs)))) going out to you.

Mary, I'm adding my condolences for your loss; the folks at KT are friendly and caring, aren't they? While time is the only thing that will eventually lessen your pain, the suggestions offered here will surely be helpful. If you find yourself too depressed, don't hesitate to see your doctor and get something to help.

I am so , so sorry! Praying for you!

Since losing my husband 3 years ago November 8, 2008, I understand how you are feeling. I still miss him like crazy. Even though I can be surrounded by family I still lonely. There are still times when I think I want to tell him something and then remember I can't speak with him (at least not in person). It will get a little bit easier as time goes on. The 1st year he died is a blur to me. I don't even remember much from his funeral (it was a sudden death). He went in the hospital on a Tuesday and was gone by Thursday (only 55 years old). I will be praying for you.

Sheryl

Oh I am a loss of words to express the thanks to each of you "new-found friends" for your kind words and expressions of your love for the recent loss of my beloved husband.

I am still in a fog and waiting on the death certificates, which everything seems to be needing one so I can move on to tie up some lose ends.

I know that this too will get better in time....because this is the SECOND time I have been widowed. The first time, I was only 33 and had three small children....he was killed in a firey highway accident. But at that time, I had to stay strong for those little ones, but even then, I leaned hard on my 13 year old daughter...she was the "adult" that just took over when I could hardly function. Now, I have no one who really "needs" me...just rambling around in this huge house that I desperately need to get sold, because I can no longer afford to live in it.

DH's S embezzled all of his D's money, so there is nothing left...only my SS and a very small retirement that will not go far paying $4500 a yr. in taxes and $2000 in insurance...plus the utilities and just trying to survive.

I have been "bullied" by an attorney to sue the family for my half....but half of nothing is still nothing!!!...plus the cost of attorney fees. DH's S was actually just here and he said his dad told him 11 years ago when we were married, to take care of me.......so we'll see how long that will last.

I tried to email Kay Jones...but if you read this, send me your email...and thanks to those who have sent theirs... Does anyone live in or near Kansas? And for those who have had recent losses, I am truly sorry for your sorrow.

THANKS from the bottom of my heart....you are such a friendly caring group of posters....and hugs back to you.

Mary (Phoggie)

Mary, do you have an email address? If so, post it on your gardenweb page. It's not safe to put one's email address on a forum, imho. I would love to comfort you in any way I can - I just started walking down this road in 2007, and I can't seem to see far, yet. Together, we will make it!!!

Nita from Arizona is a KT member (haven't seen her lately, though) and if you will send her an email, she will give you my email address.

Your being adamant about a minister prompts me to post this. A couple of years ago my husband left me quite unexpectantly to me (he had been having an affair that I was unaware of). Not to belittle your grief but that was like a death to me. I began reading the Psalms everyday and it was a great help to me. It really brought me great comfort.

Okay, Kay Jones, you should be able to email me now...the one listed was a long time ago....hope to hear from you.
Mary (Phoggie)

I understand what it is like to lose someone My youngest son took a job teaching Sociology over in Hawaii back in 2000 three weeks later he drowned. I remember earlier that year we all visited one of his brothers who at that time was hospitalized. I said to him what would I do if we lost him? He said Mom we just have to go on with our lives. The last thing he said to me over the phone was "I love you Mom", When his older brother heard the news he said "Mom I bet when Dave opened his eyes he looked around and said Wow this is going to be quite an adventure"

These two things besides having a firm conviction that we will meet again some day, have stood me through these years.
The day will come when you can pick yourself up and carry on .