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yborgal

I'm steaming!!!

14 years ago

We have 2 family members staying with us for 10 days. I've been cooking a full meal for us every evening and I have no problem with that.

I starting cooking last evening at around 4:00 PM and the chicken was out of the oven at 6:30 and the sides & salad were ready to be served. Then, they decide to tell me that they're going out to dinner instead and hope I don't mind.

I was not happy at all with the timing since I didn't need to cook for my DH and myself and I kinda said so.

Do you think I over reacted? Should I have just acted like it wasn't a problem? What would you have done?

Comments (25)

  • 14 years ago

    Your reaction, IMO, was totally within reason and understandable. It was quite obvious to your family guests that you were cooking a meal for them, especially if you started at 4 pm and had it done by 6:30. For them to come out to you at that time, and tell you they're "going out for dinner" was, IMHO, the height of rudeness and inconsideration!

    If they wanted to go out for a meal, courteous guests would have discussed this with you early in the day, BEFORE you made any meal preparations. And a truly considerate guest would have invited you and your DH to go out and share the meal with them, at their expense. Remember, they are staying in your home, and you've been catering to them for 10 days.

    I'd be steamed, too!

  • 14 years ago

    Wow! that's so rude! Any reaction you have is justified.

  • 14 years ago

    I would have done the same as you.

    We also had houseguests over the holiday...with 5 dogs! Granted, 4 of them were shih zhus, but when she let the 4 up on my sofa, I had to say something. Then, I rebounded and offered to get a blanket. But, I've doubted myself, too. Should I have been more gracious and ignored the possible damage? That would have resulted in resentment towards them.

    Sometimes people are so self-involved, even people you love, they don't think of the effect their actions have on others. Your guests absolutely should have given you advance notice of their plans, and you were justified in calling them on it.

    Dee

  • 14 years ago

    There's an art to being a good house guest. "Communicate with your host" and "leave it as you found it" go a long way to receiving another invitation. Unfortunately, a lot of people are terrible at both. Knowing that, I usually try to discuss plans for outings and meals with guests at least the day before. There's nothing wrong with saying that you'd like to know by such-and-such-time whether or not they'll be joining you for dinner.

    I'll do everything possible to be polite in someone's home or even in public. When it comes to my own home, there is a line between being a gracious host and a doormat. I'm not going to stand there with a coat-hanger-mouth smile while guests mistreat things I worked hard to buy or treat me like the hired help.

  • 14 years ago

    Yes, I would have been peeved. You don't say what relation these family members are, but if they are grown children, I would go ever further and say that it is your job as a parent to clue them in to how rude they were. And I would start asking at breakfast how many I can expect to have at dinner, lol.

    And any house guests staying with family members for 10 days should be taking their hosts out for a lovely dinner. And also offering to do some of the cooking while you are all dining at home.

    Deeinohio, 4 shih tzus, holy cow! I have one, and good luck keeping him off the sofas. These dogs were bred to be companion dogs. But I sure would have kept towels on furniture. A hostess shouldn't have to tolerate damage to her textiles, IMHO.

  • 14 years ago

    Yes I would have been very peeved!

    Then I would have served left overs the next night (wilted salad and all).

    Tuesday

  • 14 years ago

    This is the story.

    My SIL has been living with us for 3 months while my daughter finishes her job and sells their home. He knows no one in this town except us and our family and a few people from work. Our DD came in town on 12/18 and will leave on 1/4. When she's not here he basically goes to work and the gym and he's lonely.

    I have suggested many times that they go out to dinner but they've usually passed on that and have eaten home with us.

    I do discuss what's on the menu for the evening just to make sure it's something they would enjoy eating. I did do that yesterday morning AND again before I went to the grocery at 3:30. So to be informed they'd not be here to eat just caught me by surprise.

    My inclination is that it's our SIL that isn't used to following "the schedule" and that he likes to be spontaneous when making plans. I think he was also embarrased that I didn't just accept their plans.

    My DD seemed uncomfortable when she told me they were eating out but was caught between what her DH wanted to do and what she thought was the right thing to do.

    BTW, he left the house last night without a word. I told her to call him to come back and go out with him since we didn't care for their company at our table. She did and they went out to eat and got back after midnight.

    The atmosphere is mighty icey around here.

  • 14 years ago

    Breathe, Mona! Remember how hard it is to keep a young marriage going while living apart -what is more- living under your roof, with your rules. Dinner can be leftovers tonight.

    I don't think you should take this personally. Your DD is caught between a rock and a hard place. They need time alone. Rude? Sure, but it could be much worse.
    (I would need to vent too!!)

  • 14 years ago

    Are they staying 10 days or 10 weeks? It seems their stay is about over if it's 10 days.

    Personally, I can't imagine living for an extended period of time with my MIL as a young married couple, so while what they did was rude and thoughtless, they may be at the end of their rope with family dinner night.

    Also, keep this in perspective that it's one dinner and not something to ruin your relationship with your SIL over. Yes, you were right and they should have mentioned hours earlier that they were thinking about going out. I would just tell them that you'd appreciate a little notice if they weren't planning on being around for dinner - or maybe you just need to tell them they need to make their own plans a few nights of the week - chef's need a night off too!

  • 14 years ago

    I would try to clear the air by first apologizing for any angry words I had spoken.I wouldn't apologize for my feelings, just the way they were expressed. And tell them you appreciate that they need alone time. Hopefully they will take your cue and make an apology to you too.

    Then arrive at a time by which you need to know how many will be at dinner. If your SIL is a typical male, he is clueless as to the planning, time, and expense it takes to cook a dinner.

    I do think it would be a nice gesture if they planned on cooking you and your DH a dinner. It could be fun for them, and nice for you. Of course, they do the clean up too!

  • PRO
    14 years ago

    Since you discussed it with them, I would be annoyed too. I am guessing SIL is not a cook and didn't realize some of us love to cook for our families, but it is still work. We just want a little respect and appreciation for our effort.
    You told them how you felt and what you expect in the future, now it's up to them to behave.
    Hopefully you all will hug and make up soon!

  • 14 years ago

    Unfortunately, even grown children can still behave in childish ways around their parents, and I'm so sorry that your feelings were hurt over the situation. I do agree with others who have said to keep this in perspective and not allow it to damage the relationship with your SIL or daughter. Did they behave childishly and use less-than-stellar judgment? Of course. But in the overall scheme of things, it's just one evening's dinner. Barb's suggestion for discussing how any future dinner plans will be handled from here on out is a good one, but by all means, don't seethe over this one "goof", and don't allow hurt feelings to fester. (((((Hugs)))))

  • 14 years ago

    Since it was your kids, and since they knew what you were up to...yes, you were definitely in the right to get ticked off and let them know.

    Now, that said...I think SIL was being more than a bit passive-aggressive with that whole thing, but I guess I could see his point. We don't know what might have occurred between him and your DD prior to make him decide that THAT night would be when they'd go out. Not trying to justify his actions, only trying to bring another perspective.

    Take it from me...having someone live with you for an extended period will definitely change dynamics. My BIL was over yesterday and he actually spoke to me (first time since he left). Maybe that will be a catalyst to have an open discussion about routines? I certainly hope your extended stay house guest works out much better than mine did!

  • 14 years ago

    I would have been pissed off too; we actually had something similar happen Thanksgiving week where both of my kids knew I was cooking a full meal & they both left.

    I don't doubt their living situation is stressful & I agree there was probably something going on that made them be rude like that; but you guys really need to talk about it; especially if SIL is still going to be staying with you.

  • 14 years ago

    I think you had the right to be upset, but I think you over reacted and you made the situation worse than it had to be. They should have mentioned that they wanted to go out to you. Since, it appears it was spontaneous, they should have stated something to the effect, "I know you already cooked dinner, but we would like to go out tonight and would love to eat leftovers with you tomorrow". Apparently, your DD didn't phrase her intent in that way. Whatever your response was to whatever your DD said, it was harsh enough that your SIL left the house. That is pretty extreme. You also told your DD that you didn't care for their company at the moment, which again, is pretty harsh. I understand you were upset and you had the right to be upset, but bottom line is you could have handled yourself better. I agree with Barb5, you need to apologize for your angry words, without apologizing for being angry.

  • 14 years ago

    If your SIL is a typical male, he is clueless as to the planning, time, and expense it takes to cook a dinner.

    This is so true. You may have been cooking dinner but it might have gone completely unnoticed.

    I think you all need to sit down and talk about everything, acknowledging your feelings and expectations and theirs and do it in as nice a way as possible and even with a mediator of sorts. Your dh perhaps, unless he takes your side by default.

    Writing it off as they're just young and stressed does no justice to you or ultimately, to developing them into mature adults.

  • 14 years ago

    He left the house because my DD told him she thought leaving me in the lurch with all of this cooked food was not the right thing to do. He wanted her to side with him.

    My words to my daughter were not harsh. I told her to go out with him to keep peace and since their company at the table would be forced, then we didn't need them there under those circumstances.

    I did apologize last night for my reaction, but not for my feelings.

    Apparently, after thinking it over they did apologize this morning and agreed it was thoughtless to make last minute dinner plans.

    We're all friends again.

  • 14 years ago

    We're all friends again.

    YAY!!

  • 14 years ago

    That's great that it all worked out! They acknowledged their part and you apologized for your words.

    Now - what are you making them for dinner tonight? LOL Or are they taking you out to celebrate the New Year?

  • 14 years ago

    I'm glad it worked out but it would be a cold day before I made SIL another dinner anytime in the near future. ; )

  • 14 years ago

    I've been cooking a full meal for us every evening and I have no problem with that...When she's not here he basically goes to work and the gym and he's lonely...He left the house because my DD told him she thought leaving me in the lurch with all of this cooked food was not the right thing to do. He wanted her to side with him.

    It occurred to me that maybe SIL didn't want so many family dinners, but wanted to spend more of the the limited time he has with his wife? Since they're apart & he's lonely without her there. Maybe he wasn't so much trying to get her to side with him as get her to spend some alone time with him? Perhaps they were discussing it in private before hand and things got tense between them. e.g. your daughter felt bad & obliged to stay, but he wanted to be alone with her, so something already transpired between the two of them that escalated later & prompted him to walk out without a word.

    Not excusing the behavior of ditching you with a fully prepared meal. Just sounds like there's more going on. Sometimes people that have a hard time expressing their feelings tend to release it all at once & blow a cork when they feel things have gone further than they're comfortable with. I could be barking up the wrong tree, but that's what I picked up on.

  • 14 years ago

    Did I miss this info: Who did the washing up after all those meals? If the answer is you or your DH, I'd guess you might be carrying around a lot of pent up resentment. I'm positive I most certainly would have been feeling somewhat used and abused. Unless you proclaimed loudly and clearly in the beginning: " Hear ye: All cooking and cleaning up will be MY pleasure, so hands off!"....then they were both behaving in an intolerably spoiled , entitled manner, IMO.
    OTOH, if they were helpful with the washing up chores, I'd be far more forgiving of this failure to communicate.

  • 14 years ago

    I am joining a little late.

    I would have been pissed. I would have got it straightened out just as you did.

    Don't ya just love family!?

  • 14 years ago

    moonshadow, I think you have the wrong impression.

    I had asked every morning about what they wanted to do for dinner. Each time I was told they'd like to eat home. Trust me, it would have been easier for me not to cook for them.

    Because they have little time together I have asked little of them. I've left them free to go and explore and do fun things whenever the opportunity has come up.

    I also got a Wii for Christmas that they have enjoyed playing. That particular day I did a full sink full and counter full of dishes while they played. I felt I had been taken advantage of, but we're okay now. They certainly are being considerate now.

  • 14 years ago

    Adult children under roof can be complicated.

    My 23 yo lives at home while attending college and his girlfriend is over quite a bit. I enjoy cooking for them both and usually my son is so good about cleaning the kitchen but when his girlfriend is around he gets distracted. I would have to remind him to clean up and would assign GF specific cleaning chores (putting away leftovers, etc.). She seemed relieved to be helpful.