I can't imagine having to deal with families that are rigid and will expect my daughters to only go there for every holiday.

That is a daughters decision (not the mil or mother!), as to how assertive she wants to be. The dating stage is a good time to set the parameters.
No one can make another person do anything; "the controlled" does have choices.

I agree, when it comes to spending time with families for holidays, or any time for that matter, it's inconsiderate and hurtful to the family left out. Speaking as a mother of two grown children, you NEVER, ever stop loving them or wanting spend time with them . . . especially during Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, etc. I also agree with you in that if our "kids" are not married or in a live-in/special, significant relationship, parents need to be careful inviting boyfriends/girlfriends to spend a holiday with them instead of with their own families. I like your idea of extending an invitation to stop by for dessert, etc.
I realize that there are always extenuating circumstances that might warrant something different, but my heart goes out to your friend and anyone else in such a situation.
I would be crushed if my son's someday wife insisted on spending all major holidays with her family. But then again, I didn't raise a doormat; I raised a thoughtful, strong, intelligent gentleman who would never do that. We've also raised our daughter not to be a doormat . . . or an inconsiderate, selfish you-know-what.
Lynn

{{!gwi}}

This post was edited by LynninNM on Mon, Nov 24, 14 at 18:06

I wonder if young people are different now days than they were back in the day. We were pretty respectful and considerate of our parents' feelings. We always went to our own family gathering on the holidays when we were dating - wouldn't have even considered anything else. Once we were married we were careful about how we divided up our holiday attendance. Fortunately everyone lived in the same town so that made things like Christmas easier - one place Christmas Eve and one Christmas Day.

Wives vs girlfriend are totally different topics. In the co-worker's case, it appears that this wife is responsible for their family's social decisions. This is making me wonder what this man was like prior to getting married? Did he participate in family holidays, get-togethers? How old was the son when he married? Surely, there were some signs...

I'm not a stickler for when we have our family celebration dinners, as long as they happen and we are all together. Thanksgiving (CDN - so always on a Monday) dinner can happen either on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday - I don't care as long as we can all be there including girlfriends if desired. If the GF's family is having dinner on one night I am more than happy to move ours to another night.

We solved the Christmas dinner thing years ago by having a big family dinner early in December but it is made easier by the fact that all family is here in one location. For that dinner all the kids with their girlfriends, the nieces/nephews and their families, the two moms and my sibs with their spouses are all there. We do Turkey with all the trimmings and the house is decorated.

For Christmas day I put on a big Turkey and who ever is at loose ends knows that a dinner is on and they are welcome. The kids and the GF's seem to manage getting together by having two desserts. - one at their own house and one at the other.

Life is too short and already too full of angst to get bent of shape about who spends holiday dinners where.

Inviting a boyfriend/girlfriend over for a holiday seems like a natural thing to do when it's someone you care for and want to spend time with. Having them interact with family is important in assessing a future with them. Figuring out how to split holidays, also important.

At the end of the day, it's all small stuff.