Gibby, I'm so sorry that you're feeling frustrated. I do understand, as it sounds as though you feel your own expectations aren't being met and realize you're now needing to make some mental adjustments. It's not always easy to do, but I am a firm believer of "where there's a will, there's a way", and I trust that in time the path for you and your husband will be made clear.

My experience doesn't exactly mirror yours, but I am married to a man who has consistently been "under"-employed. He too has been in sales/marketing and has also held some rather menial jobs (pizza delivery and working in a gas station). He's extremely intelligent and is no stranger to hard work, although a series of events shortly after we married led him to lose what was probably his best-ever sales job (and then the company declared bankruptcy and closed many branches in our area, so it was obviously destined not to be long-term anyway). We struggled for a time with him trying to find a job, but realizing over and over that his qualifications were not stellar for any job that would bring a significant financial contribution to our household. In the meantime, I continued to work and although it was a foreign concept to me initially, I began to grow more and more accepting of the fact that (a) he wasn't finding a suitable job; and (b) he was contributing around the house and performing tasks that had always fallen to me. (I have been married before.)

My DH has now been a full-time househusband for a number of years. I was cautioned that as a man, he would grow tired of this and become restless and resentful. No such thing has happened. He takes pride in his "home" work, which includes the normal housekeeping chores, lawn work, auto and home repair, shopping, laundry, etc. I was also warned that as a woman, I was "hardwired" with a "need" for my husband to go out in the world and bring home the bacon to support me. Again - that has simply not been true at all. On the contrary, my own career has blossomed and I am now in a position that I absolutely love. It can be extremely demanding at times, and I'm grateful for the supportive husband that I have at home. In fact, we've done it this way for long enough that it's become our preference, and I no longer give credence to what anyone else thinks that our lives should be like. They are, after all, on the outside looking in. What works for one couple might not work for another ... but there is no right or wrong. Traditional roles are fine. As are non-traditional roles. If a couple can find their own groove and make it work, that's all that matters.

You express frustration and a desire that he would be the one working so that you could stay at home. I encourage you not to close your mind to other possibilities, though. Not that many years ago I would never have dreamed that I would be in a situation such as this - but I am, and I'm extremely happy with the way things are.

All the best to you!

Ha - this must be a relatively rare situation - fortunately. Thanks for sharing your experience SunnyC. It is definitely similar though I've always worked and he has gradually worked less and less. Unfortunately he's not a handy about the house kind of guy though he does laundry and can cook a nice meal if he is so inclined and he'll do errands for me if I make a list though he gets around to them in his own good time. He's more about having fun and enjoying life - which at times starts to drive me nuts when I'm working and he's having fun at our lake cabin playing golf, etc. I guess we will have to have a heart to heart talk about that. Overall though it does make my life easier to have him available to do a lot of stuff I would otherwise have to do.

The good thing is he's actually been working out of town for the last year - living in a man cave and coming home on some but not all weekends. So it will be nice to be living together again. I really do think I need to just accept that this is the way it's going to be - that he is retired, not unemployed - and figure out how we can make it work. If something changes for the better then great. If not at least my expectations will be in line with reality.

I know of two people who are in sales and face the same situation as your DH. My husband is in IT and has also had many layoffs-- outsourcing is not our friend.

My dad was also in the same position. He was a priest, so when he left the priesthood and started a family, he was older. He had a very good job but had to leave it, and since that job . . .well, he never really recovered. He got menial jobs (he was well-educated) and died shortly after having a heart-attack at work . . .he was filing at his last job. :(

What I learned from living with my dad through that is that it's VERY important to embrace what happens and go with it. I didn't at first with my own DH-- I would let panic set in (at that time, I worked but my $ was not enough). The last time, however, was very different. I decided no material things (inc. the house) mattered, but our mental health did. I made sure to ENJOY our time together. I think men are more prone to job = self worth, so it can cause depression.

However-- it depends on your DH. My dad was always keeping the house up (even when he worked). My DH does not always . . .so if your DH will actually keep the house up REGULARLY (not just when he is inclined), it seems like a good deal to me. I am glad your finances are OK!

Gibby, I can understand you're frustration, until I met my current husband I seemed to always attract men who were destined to have one reason (excuse) after another as to why they couldn't do better. Every situation is different and that includes yours. Like SunnyCottage, you too may be able to find a solution or compromise that works for the both of you. As for me, I already had two mouths to feed and found it unreasonable to be expected to feed another mouth especially when it belonged to a man who was perfectly capable of working.

I do believe that if your husband has a problem with authority it could be part of his demise. Maybe counseling could/would help him to figure out why he's doing what he's doing. Or...maybe self employment is a better option for him, at least that way he'd be in control and able to make his own choices.

Gibby, I am sorry this situation is frustrating you. I do so admire your ability to steer the ship and be independent, though! You must have great skills and a solid career path yourself. While I know you must be grateful for that, I can hear your disappointment regarding your dh's path. No matter how independent we are, our spouse's choices, direction, actions, do impact on us.

I've enjoyed reading the replies. Sunny, you seem to have the perfect "fit!" You two are the perfect yin/yang pairing. That's so great.

Anele, I didn't know your dad was a priest. How interesting! (I'd love to hear more about that someday!) I am sorry to learn that he died of a heart attack and had not been happy with his work in his final years. Very sad.

I've given this world of work, careers, jobs, and how they impact on happiness, a lot of thought over the years! This whole issue of "earning a living" can be grueling and tough and taxing and difficult in so many ways. Personalities enter into the picture, as well as talents and gifts, aptitudes and skills. I do think, to borrow SC's word, that so many of these variables are "hardwired" into us...but not on the basis of gender all the time.

I will say I am married to a highly "motivated" man who has always worked long hours and kept exceedingly high standards...the classic "workaholic!" I don't have marketable skills, and hence, very marginal income producing power.

While I am very grateful for dh's efforts, and I may seem to "have it easy," to others, no matter how ideal a life may seem from the outside, we all all have our crosses to bear.

That doesn't mean striking the perfect balance is impossible (witness Sunnyc's situation) but often I think these matters can be very complicated!

You are working on building acceptance of what you can't change, Gibby, and focusing on what you CAN do to improve your quality of life. You are focusing on what you DO appreciate and admire about your husband and putting other less appealing characteristics of his on the back burner. I think that is healthy and wise.

Been there since 2001.

Living it every day.

Our EBay store is now our "bread-and-butter" -- thanks to the very hard work of my DH.

And yes -- other people do wonder about our lives -- and our married lives of over 31 years.

Gibby, there was just a big article about this in the Sunday NY Times. There are almost 500 comments after the article.

I think it's one of those things that you encounter and don't really digest. But, when it happens to you, you begin to notice it everywhere.

Here is a link that might be useful: Who Wears the Pants ...

After 25 years of steady employment my DH was laid off 3 years ago when the company he worked for underwent a merger. He turned 50 the just before his last day. It was over a year before he was employed again - the company that he worked for apparently saw the error of their ways and hired him back in a better position than he left ;)

It was a rough time and scared the crap out of me, because I have never earned much money, and don't have the resume to get a job that would pay our current expenses. Add to that we were still paying tuition for 2 kids in college.

Fortunately we have always been savers, and the Recovery act in 2008 paid for a lot of our COBRA health insurance payments.

I took on more hours at my job, and did my best to stay upbeat, but it was very difficult after the 12 month mark. He had several interview cycles where he was one of two top contenders, but didn't get the job. It was so frustrating, because after each let down, he would be back at square one again.

He has been at his current job for 3 years now, and is one of the company's top performers, but the idea of him being unemployed again still worries me.

I just want to clarify something from my post because I don't want to come off as uncaring or unforgiving. It's just an after thought and obviously very different situation from yours but...my ex would describe himself as "self employed", though in reality he was just an unemployed carpenter who preferred fishing and football. I would have been thrilled and much more supportive of him had he been willing to take a different job, or a job with a lower pay scale, any job really but his excuse was they either didn't meet his standards or his salary rate; he also felt helping with the house was not his "forte" as well which meant I was working more than full time, caring for a small child as well as taking care of the house. After ten years of kidding myself, I could no longer handle being the bread winner, maid and door mat. (And wouldn't you know? After the door mat left, he went back to school and became an RN; so go figure)

If for some reason my husband lost his job, I would without question support him for as long as needed while we figured things out. Again, every situation and marriage is different, the dynamics just have to be something you can both live with.

I do believe though that if your hubby is having that many issues with work, his fault or not, a change may be a good thing. As I suggested before, self employment doing something he enjoys may be a better fit for him. Maybe now is the time for him to get creative.

deee - interesting article - thanks for passing that along. I guess it's a good thing we are in MN and don't have the southern man/woman thing going on. At least we don't have to deal with that kind of thinking.

anele - I think you have the right idea - embrace this and just go with it. We are financially fine with just my income - when he works it goes to retirement savings. So the only real drawback is I may end up working "forever" and/or we make a major adjustment in our lifestyle if I'm somehow forced to retire "early". I pretty much like my job and at the moment it's not all consuming so it's all quite good for now.

lukki - I don't think he has a problem with authority really, he has a problem with being intolerant and impatient with incompetence. And he's very persistent at trying to do what he thinks is best for the company - regardless of whether or not he has everyone else on board with his ideas. I doubt any kind of counseling would moderate his behavior at this stage of life - not that he'd be willing to talk to anyone. He has worked several times on buying/starting his own business but that never panned out - plus I won't put any of our $ at risk to start a business.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts - I appreciate it. I'm sure I will come to terms with this as I've been pretty adaptable through a lot of stuff much worse. I just need to get my expectations in line with the new reality and embrace it as anele says. It could turn out to be good!

I don't think he has a problem with authority really, he has a problem with being intolerant and impatient with incompetence.

That was my DH's issue as well. In his last sales job, his supervisor was a young punk (and I do mean "punk") who epitomized unprofessional behavior and foolish decisions. DH found it impossible to respect that kid, and it definitely colored his ability to perform his own job in a proper manner. Some companies operate with such fly-by-night, inexperienced management that you have to wonder how they stay afloat for as long as they do.

I get it. My DH complains about that kind of stuff all the time too. I think it's great that you understand that and are open to adapting to the situation.

Terriks, I admire your strength and grace under pressure. You certainly found yourself on an emotional roller coaster. It's wonderful that after the effort and struggles to find work, your DH is in a good position...even better than the one he was laid off from. That's a happy ending!

After experiencing a time that was so troubling & challenging, it's easy to understand your worry, but don't let your thoughts get a head of the situation at hand. Enjoy this moment, these good times. I'm sure your DH is so grateful and appreciative of his current position! Congratulations!

Wow, that NYT article was really interesting. I think as more women pursue B.S. and more advanced degrees, we will see this more. One of my upper-division courses last spring was entirely female, and they are all very good.

I have more guys in classes this fall, but still our major is overwhelmingly female. Some of my students are first generation college students or grew up in single-parent homes where they saw their mother and maybe grandmother struggle, and they want a better future for themselves.

My story...DH worked at a good job and was permanently laid off just weeks before he became fully vested in his retirement plan. Seems this was the modus operendi of this company. I was barely earning anything at my job.

He started a business and it was very successful, meanwhile, i got promoted at my job and started climbing the ladder. Eventually we sold the business and he 'retired'. We were ok living off just my salary, so finances weren't an issue. However, the issue came when he just didn't live up to expectations. He was a full-time house husband but it was a struggle to get him to do anything domestic around here.

He eventually started up a new (mini version of our old business) that does not have him going into the hole, but neither is it bringing in the income he'd get if he were even working a menial job. It's more like an excuse he uses to avoid doing the things that need to be done around the house. I will say that he TRIES to pitch in, but it's a far cry from what I'd consider my lowest standards.

He spends most of his day 'jawing' with his cronies and does do stuff outside, primarily in the front yard where his customers can see it. I've been getting resentful, and it's definitely showing in our marriage. It's led to a lot of issues with us and I frequently question why I stay in this situation. I have love for him, but I am also upset that we're not equal in life. It doesn't bother him that I am the breadwinner-he is proud of what me and my achievements, and I actually prefer being the one who wears the pants, but I DO resent that I still have to do a lot of stuff on the weekends to keep this place livable and that I have to nag-a lot- to get things done (like getting the deck maintained).

It's not all bad, but if your DH is anything like mine, who has a history of not sharing the same priorities of housework, it could be problematic. I'd suggest YOU get counselling for yourself so you don't become resentlful (like me! haha)

Wow so many with the same situation, although mine is not because of him losing a job in this economy. I always seemed to find the really nice guys that lacked motivation - I married two of them. My first husband was in finance, and figured that he could work fewer hours and manage to make enough. I was working and had two young children and he did not think that his free time was for housework or watching the kids even when I went to the gym - I had to get a sitter so that he would not have to commit to being home. No matter how much counseling or discussion between us could make him see how it felt to have him sitting on the front porch reading the paper while I was going crazy in the house getting lunches ready and the kids and me out of the house every morning. The neighbors even noticed! I felt if I was going to live like a single parent, I might as well be able to date, so I divorced him.

And then I did the same thing again! What the heck was wrong with me?? When I met my second husband, he had a job, but all of his jobs were not long-term or careers -- he was also an under-employed carpenter. He was an awesome person, and a great step-father to my kids, but the housework was not even on his radar. However, with his more "flexible schedule", he was the one that could get a sick kid at school or be home if needed, so he was a bit of a house husband and that allowed me to concentrate on my job. But once the kids were off at college, I joked that he was my oldest child, but it really wasn't a joke. Unfortunately he died suddenly a little over a year ago, and although I miss him terribly, I am not going to make the same mistake again. I'm fortunate that I can support myself as I've been doing it for years anyway. If there is a next guy he will have to be at least where I am financially (which is not much!) and be interested in a true partnership.

We all have to put up with stupid bosses and policies, but how can these men think it's OK to put their pride before their employment because they won't tolerate whatever they don't agree with? You can't be an employee and do things any way you want - we all have to suck it up for a job. If these guys didn't have a wife, I wonder what would they do? Please understand, I'm not knocking your hubbies - especially after the men I married! Many of you seem to be adapting to the new normal in your households. What makes it work is a sense of teamwork between the two of you, each doing what needs to be done. A wife can't be the breadwinner and then come home to housework & cooking while the husband plays - that situation won't last long without resentment.

"...we all have to suck it up for a job." Yes, Kitchenwitch, that's what I was alluding to when I said, "This whole issue of "earning a living" can be grueling and tough and taxing and difficult in so many ways." I guess that's why they call it "work!"

I also feel the work I do at home can be draining and no picnic, but it has to be done. Geesh, we ALL have our crosses to bear, don't we?

I certainly don't think it has to be the man earning the living, but I agree with so many of the comments here about housework! Running the household well is vital for men to do if they are the ones at home!

Over the ages, when we women have stayed at home, we have been expected to have meals cooked, food shopped for, bills paid, all housework squared away, and provide child care/elder care/pet care. The To-do list has always gone on forever. (And we're supposed to stay fit and trim and coifed and manicured and made-up and well-dressed while we're at it!) Women have always done a million and one things while "not working!" It's like the line, "Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but in heels and backwards!"

You bet I'd feel resentful if I worked all day and came home to a dirty house with nothing to eat. It's my job to contribute an orderly, well-run household and all that entails, and I take it very seriously! Running a home is work, and important work in my estimation! Embrace it househusbands!

Well, I guess there are a few of us after all. Yes Pesky, I think I see some similarities in your situation and mine. I can almost hear the resentment in your post. I don't get why or how they can sit around all day and not either see or give a rip about all the stuff that needs to get done around the house. And do they intentionally do stuff below the lowest possible minimum standard? DH has more than once said, well I just don't do it because it's never good enough. Really, I'm not a demanding, controlling perfectionist. I'm actually pretty laid back.

I do know that kind of behavior will drive me crazy because it's happened in the past. He isn't lazy or unmotivated but his motivation is to a paying job - not work around the house. Well, no paying job = time to do work around the house. I'm hopeful we can have a heart to heart talk and make some decisions about how things will work with him "retired" and me working my a$$ off. He is truly a good guy and I love him dearly and I value enormously that he makes my life fun and interesting when I would otherwise be a boring, practical drudge. However we do have to find a mutually acceptable new reality for our life.

Oh the joys life brings!!