Think of it as a testament to how good her first marriage was before she was widowed. If she had been in a a horrible marriage, she may not have been so quick to remarry.

Or, her other marriage had been dead for a longtime and she was eager to meet the right one.

It certainly does seem very soon, especially since her husband died young and suddenly. If he had been much older or sick for a long time, it would be much more plausible that she would have been 'prepared' for it and done some of her grief processing in advance.

Sounds like DH#2 may have been a 'rebound guy' and that her rush to date and remarry may have been some sort of grief-reaction / denial mechanism. A way to 'fix the cosmic wrong' so to speak...

Or - She may have just been determined not to wallow in her grief, and extremely pragmatic in her assessment that her chances for a happy re-marriage would decrease the longer she waited.

That was one reason I began dating immediately after my divorce. I knew I wanted to marry again at some point, and that I wasn't getting any younger... Like your friend, I happened to meet someone compelling very quickly (just under 2 months) and we'll celebrate 19 years together in a few weeks.

Or, in that month, she was so traumatized, in shock, she had no idea what she was doing. The death rebound thing.
I have seen it happen several times.

The maxim of waiting at least a year before dating has its merits.

I don't think you're jerky to wonder about her motives or character, as all the above scenarios, which run the gamut, are quite plausible.

A "getting to know you" question might be, "What was it like for you, meeting and marrying Frank so soon after Bill's death? Did you feel scared or worried that it all might all be too soon, or did you just "know" you wanted to spend the rest of your life with Bill?"

I'd want to understand more about my friend, and her life story. Is she easily put on the defensive, or could you explore this further with her?

I don't think you are really feeling judgemental so much as you are just curious. Her life path is a bit unorthodox. I think it's perfectly natural to wonder about it.

That is, "...did you just "know" you wanted to spend the rest of your life with Frank?" LOL! You know who is who IRL, I'm sure!

Guess I'm missing something. She's been divorced 5 years?
Lost first husband very young. How long were they married? How long did the second marriage last? Maybe she just liked being married. There are people like that. I think you're judging her unfairly.

"she signed up for a dating service a month after DH#1's funeral and married DH#2 a month after that."

it does seem a little quick, imo but I have a friend who started dating left and right when her husband left her, she seemed determined to prove that she was worthy of finding a mate, she could not be alone at all. I know it's not your friend's situation at all , she was widowed but she could have been drowning her sorrow in this activity of finding another mate. I know that's what my friend was doing every waking moment.

I don't think that's what I would do but people are so different, it's hard to comprehend when their behaviour is so far than what you think your own behaviour would be.

My friend is a beautiful woman with a great vp job, but I did come to realize that she validates herself through having a man and her judgement was poor as far as introducing her pre teens to different boyfriends , I accept her that way but it did show me another side of her I had no idea about.

Since you are not in the position to marry her, I wouldn't worry about her motives.

This is probably going to sound weird, but the night my father died, my mother said something that made me think that she'd look up an old lover of hers-someone she almost left my father for 20 years earlier. It's not that she didn't love my father (they were married 40 years when he died), she just couldn't abide the thought of being alone.

A month or so after he passed she was dating, and within 6 months of his death she met the man she ended up marrying a few months later. They've just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary and are blissfully happy with one another.

She and I have discussed this and I've told her that I don't think I'd want to remarry should my husband die, and she's appalled by that statement. To her, a woman must have a man in her life; but then, she can't understand why women would chose to remain childless by choice or unmarried by choice.

I do know that my mother was judged pretty harshly by family (especially my siblings) for marrying so soon after Dad died, but I was secretly glad since it meant I didn't have to hold her hand. She lost a lot of friends over it, but has since made new ones along with her new life.

Many people who divorce re-marry with in a year, why should the death of a spouse be any different? Someone who defines themselves by if they are married or not would not let the death of a spouse keep them from their goal, being married. I would bet the divorce traumatized her more than being widowed. What she does/did is her business but when I hear she had children..yes I think it was ill advised to bring a virtual stranger into her home where children were. She sounds like just the type creeps prey on.

Thank you all for the responses, it is very interesting to hear different perspectives.

As Pal pointed out, her motives in getting remarried so soon after being widowed aren't really my business. I was more interested in the fact that my overall perception of her has changed so much since I found out the facts of her remarriage.

I find I trust her judgment about people and relationships less, I guess, thinking that someone who wouldn't realize/care about the fact that it would hurt her kids and her in-laws to remarry two months after the death might also not realize/care about other things that matter to people in her life.

As Pesky and Mitch pointed out, there are people who just can't see themselves without a partner, whether for reasons of validation or just because they hate to be alone. Perhaps she was like that at the time.

I, however, reserve the right to haunt my husband if he remarries quickly after my demise.

As a widow, I can tell you that for three solid years I grieved extremely hard and wouldn't even THINK of going out with someone, much less getting remarried.

I was in such shock for basically a year and still my world was upside down, I couldn't even think about another man, or wanting another man. I am still in love with my husband more than ever.

I had absolutely no comprehension of any widow that would date so soon after a death and admit I still do not understand anyone that could much less, would--date so soon after your husband dies.

That being said--every circumstance is different and I have learned not to judge people because we just don't know. Several years before my husband suddenly died, one of his best friends died, I was close friends with his wife. He had cancer for a year and died at age 48. She was dating within months. But, she is a realist, her personality is different, and she was so tired and sad from caring for him and wanted to move on with life.

We don't know what kind of marriages people had, how happy or unhappy they were, what their religious beliefs are, or their personalities--sentimental and clinging to memories for comfort, realists who are not sentimental and accept facts and move on with life because life is short, or jerks who didn't care too much about their spouse or care about the feelings of children and family and indulge their new found "freedom." The situation may be some combination of those scenarios or something entirely different.

I do not believe that you can come close to equating a divorce situation with being widowed. They are different events, although sometimes some of the hurt and loneliness and day to day challenges are the same. There is no generally socially mandated need to wait before dating after a divorce out of "respect" and even if one is grieving the marriage and sad, if one wants to date while grieving (same as a marriage) it is still an acceptable thing to do, even if others do not understand it.

The primary consideration is if the behavior is healthy and the person is using good judgment and not jumping into another relationship to avoid healthy grieving and not choosing someone carefully because of a need to have a partner.

We all have our different timetables.
It's good to be concerned about our friends and give them advice, but we each have to make our own decisions and hopefully have friends that are there to support us.

"I, however, reserve the right to haunt my husband if he remarries quickly after my demise. "

lol. I do understand what you are saying though. I think I too would feel the same way about someone dating so soon after the death of a spouse. I guess it gives the impression of being a bit cold and really just no where near enough time to even grieve the loss of someone you supposedly loved so it would make me question a person's depth of character I guess

Pesky, there's one word to describe your mom: SURVIVOR. She's the person who will live longer and better than most people in the world because she knows what she wants and needs and doesn't let others' opinions stand in the way. She did not hurt anyone....She did not betray anything...She gave your father 40 years.... What difference would another one year or five make, except for her to be lonely? She may be very traditional in her outlook but she's thoroughly modern in her self understanding. I admire her!

1)Many women have a deep need to be with someone since the thought of being alone is too much for them.
2)She needs to be financially taken care of.
Probably just 2 reasons among many~it's hard to understand the psyche of another human. ; o)

I've been widowed for over a year and a half, after a wonderful 32-year marriage. At this point I can't imagine myself with anyone else--I still feel married.

But I don't judge--it's not my place, and I don't know what's in someone else's mind.

I have a lovely friend that I met when our youngest children were toddlers. She (fairly quickly) shared that her first husband had committed suicide, and within six weeks she had met and started dating the man who would become DH#2. I have to admit that I was surprised when she revealed that, but I had no doubts about her character. They've now been married more than 25 years.

As long as we aren't harming anyone, we each have the right to find happiness--in our own way, and in our own time.

I have been divorced and my second husband died a little over a year ago. It's very different from divorce, I have to say. Even if you didn't initiate the divorce, there is usually still a desire to "move on" and find some rebound man or revenge sex to get back your confidence. It's almost expected and encouraged by society. The finality of a spouse's death is much more tragic and traumatizing.

Knowing what I know now, I would never judge someone else's reaction to it. We all go though it differently. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was with another recent widow whose husband was sick with cancer before he died and she was just as devastated - there is no prepping your heart for it. She told me that his wallet was still on his dresser, all his belongings where he left them. The personal things in my house make me sad when I see them, but to her they are comfort. There is no right or wrong.

With death, in my case anyway, I'm not going to "get over it" and all I can do is keep going. I hope to find love again, but I'm finding that it will take some time for me to be attracted to another man. Your friend likely felt very out of place being a young widow and maybe she had to get out there right away to make herself feel better. It doesn't make her a bad person or lacking in character.

I've always been of the opinion that just because someone dies, it doesn't necessarily make them a good person. Maybe she was miserable in her marriage. Just one possible scenario.

This week my husband was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Cancer. Thankfully, today when we received the treatment plan for him we were told that his chances of remission and a relatively normal future are very positive. The healing process will not be as life altering as we originally feared either and we can finally breath. But during the 3 weeks it took to complete all the tests for a confirmed diagnosis, all we knew was he probably had cancer and my imagination ran wild 24/7. All I could do was worry about loosing this man I completely adore.

While I know my process of mourning would be very different from your friends, when reading your post, the only conclusion I could come to is that loosing a spouse is a very personal and painful experience. It is really not up to you or anyone else to judge someones morals or character just because they may handle loss differently than you. That person is either your friend or she's not but if she's not, it shouldn't be because of a choice she made about something so personal. Having never been through the experience yourself, who are you (or we) to judge?

Gosh lukki....what a scary time for you. I'm so glad your husband and you received what appears to be good news. I'm hoping good things for all of you.

Best wishes to you and your dh, Lukki, as your husband proceeds with his treatment! It sounds like he has a very positive prognosis. He is a "lucky" man to have your love and support! Sending you a hug!

I still don't feel Leafy is being a jerk. I think it's only natural to speculate about motives. I know I often wonder why people do what they do!

Now, if Leafy starts telling her friend she's short on character or has bad judgement, that's a whole different story. That would be inappropriate, intrusive and unkind. Simply to wonder why a person chose a certain path seems reasonable to me.

Ultimately, each person must live their own life, and we would all do well to respect the diverse lifestyles around us. Perhaps we can also learn & benefit from other choices if we can *understand* them better. So we wonder, and inquire, and maybe start a conversation that opens our eyes.

I'm sending my best wishes to you too, Lukki. I hope everything works out in the best possible way.

Me too, Lukki, I'm sending positive thoughts your way. When you are up to it, you might want to start a new thread and update everyone on how he is doing, because only by chance did I see your post here and others may miss it too.

If it is not too personal, may I ask how it was discovered?

Lukki, so sorry for the challenging news you've received and best wishes for a treatment and recovery that are as smooth and rapid as possible.

Lukki, I'm really sorry to hear your news. My stepmother has a (rare) blood condition that usually evolves into MM, but she is not yet actively ill. What you went through the past few weeks is incredibly draining and frightening. I hope the treatment goes well and please don't forget to take care of *yourself* too. As the saying goes, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Ann

Lukki, I agree with Graywings. Why don't you start a new thread to let your friends here know what's going on with you? So many people here would want to send a cyber hug and lots of positive energy your way!

My next door neighbor completed a suicide several years ago... lovely woman with an adoring husband and what appeared to be a perfect life and marriage - but she had suffered from depression for most of her life. Not many knew and she'd recently been in treatment with new medications.

Because she had such a rough time previously, her husband always had concerns about her ability to survive. Her depressions were so debilitating and after she died, he told me that he had almost pre-grieved her death. He had no illusions that he might be single some day. I think he was great support to her, but knew he couldn't save her from her demons. Her death wasn't as much of a shock to him as to the rest of her friends.

After she died, her husband became romantically involved pretty quickly. I was kind of shocked, as were many in their circle, but I think he was further along in his process than most would have imagined.

I think it's pretty normal to imagine how we might behave, but cannot know all the details of someone else's life. I think if I found out a friend had been cheating on their spouse then married soon after becoming a widow that I might question her morals/ethics. She might be someone I wouldn't trust with my friendship. But seeking out a new spouse sooner than I thought I might wouldn't change my view of my friend.

And Lukki, add my thoughts of caring to the others here. I hope all goes well with treatment and recovery of your husband.

luk, I am sorry you and your husband are going through this and agree with everything you wrote.

Lukki - Best wishes to you and your husband. My father is sucessfully fighting MM, 4 years now. The best advice I can give you is to be treated at one of the centers around the country that specialize in MM. I don't know where you live, but there are a variety of hospitals around the country. May I ask if your DH is a Vet?

I think this is so very personal. I have 2 examples & one may shock everyone.

Friend 1; hub of 6-7 years passed suddenly; I believe she was early 30's. She went out & met a guy & got pregnant. She decided to stay with the guy & keep the baby; her hub's family were not happy (understandably so) & harassed her. She was in such a huge depression for years. Her 1st marriage was not great; he was abusive; but she did love him & still does to this day.

Friend 2; her high school sweet heart hub of 20+ years (I think 6 kids) had brain cancer; never in a million years did I think she'd ever date again; well guess what? She was & pretty quickly too.

I could not see myself doing it.

I couldn't help but think, as I read this, how different the reactions might be at different stages of marriage, as well. I'm in my early 30s and celebrating my 2nd anniversary this month. At this stage, I'm very much in love with DH and looking forward to growing old together and having adventures. However, DH is a very private person, and we have our own interests; our lives aren't fully merged yet. If, heaven forbid, he were to unexpectedly die soon, I have no illusions about mourning him forever. I hope I'd wait at least 6 months or a year...but then, I enjoy being with a partner and I hope to have children, so I'm pragmatic enough that I'd probably move on fairly quickly (that sounds so horrible to predict, doesn't it?). If, on the other hand, DH were to pass on in 20 years, I imagine the process would be quite different.

Others made good points about how ''Sue'' may have grown and changed since then, and how we cannot know what she was thinking or feeling at the time. 1-2 months isn't much time to know someone before marrying, though. That aspect, particularly when children are involved, would cause me to doubt the ''Sue's'' judgement more than just dating soon would.

Sorry to sort of hi jack the thread, that wasn't my intent, but I did start a new thread and feel much better after all the received support. Thanks.

Geogirl, no my husband isn't a Vet. I'm so glad your father is doing well. I'll say a prayer that his continues for him and your family.

Ann, Please watch your stepmother carefully (I'm sure you already are), this is such a fast moving and scary cancer. I will also include her in my prayers.

Graywings, I posted the story in my thread.

Leafy, I forgot to add in my response that I certainly don't think of you as a jerk. Please know that.

Lukki; you're right; it's very fast moving. My dad had a prostate biopsy where he had blood work but he never recovered from the anesthesia & he didn't want to run to the Dr but finally did a few weeks later & was put in the hospital. Had he not gone; he would have been gone in 4 weeks. His was due to chemicals at the gas station; painters & body repair were exposed to them too

I was 38 yrs old and my husband was 35. We were married for almost 13 yrs and together for 18 yrs almost also. We had the best marriage anyone could ever have. We had 1 son 13 yrs. old together. We both had great jobs and a loving family. One morning I woke up, year before last, which was April 2014 to finding my husband in our house. He had past sometime during the night of a heart attack. His heart was enlarged and exploded. He was kneeling in a praying position over the side of our tub in our main bathroom. I found him at 8:35am that morning. Our son had stayed on our living room couch watching a movie that night. When I found my husband (my soulmate) I had to call my mom about 8 miles from me to tell her my husband was dead. She immediately said I will be right there. Then I had to go outside and call my neighbors 32 yr old son to come wake my son up and take him out the backdoor of my house to their house and keep him there. Then I called 911 and I told them I found my husband dead in our home and I didn't want them to show up with their sirens on or to be seen by my son that was at my neighbors house behind my house. When the police questioned me some, which is their protocol to do when something happens like that, I felt like I had done something wrong, which I totally didn't. They told me, they had to send his body for an autopsy. Well I found him on that Saturday morning and the results from autopsy came back that next Monday a few days later, saying he died of cardiomegaly. Anyways all that being said, almost 5 months later I met my friends brother and got with him and 1 month later which was almost 6 months after my husband past away, I got pregnant with a babygirl. Thats apparently what happens, when you try to fill a void in your life after such tramatic experience. My mind wasn't at all there, until I was 5 months pregnant and I told the guy sorry I can't be with you cause I don't feel right. Anyways my son was so upset saying it's dad's baby, mom. I felt so bad and still do for the additional pain I caused my son which was the only child at the time. It took until now for him to accept my babygirl. The father hasn't been around since I was 5 months pregnant. The judge knew and the attorneys what I had went through. So when I went to court when my babygirl was about 6 months old, the judge and the attorneys favored me with child custody and everything else. The guy I had the baby by, had to start spending time with my babygirl and paying me to help raise our babygirl. I felt bad for him but it took 2 to make my babygirl. Anyways anything can happen after losing your soulmate. I used to say how in the world can so and so go out so soon after there mate passes. We'll now I know. I would never judge any widow for what they do. So no one knows until they lose the love of their life what they go through. Anyways I am doing fine and I can honestly say I'm blessed to have the babygirl my husband always wanted but due to his job and health I never gave him one. My babygirl is like none else. She is the best babygirl I have ever seen. God was always there through everything and still is. So I hope yall take my advice and run with it cause you never know if your in my shoes one day and Gosh I hope not. I might add there are several phases for some with greiving. First phase I didn't know myself. Second was k was extremely mad that he left me with so much like raising our son on my own, bills and so on. 3rd was I felt alone 4th was I'm gonna have to learn how to make it with my babies. 5th one is I'm still holding on and I know what's going on some now. I'm working and striving to keep our home and food on the table for my kids. They are my world now more than anything. I'm blessed as I could of really went off the deep end and at times I did but my family and friends helped me so much to get by. So it's different with every spouse whom had lost there lover and soulmate.