Need advice from Grandparents raising grandkids

17 years ago

Hello! Have been searching all over for a forum or support group for grandparents who are raising their grandchildren ans this is the closest I have found so I will post my question here in hopes someone can help.

We have 5 grown kids and are a pretty close family. Our oldest son's ex wife left when their son was 4 months old. She left him with his father ( our son ) because she said she knew he would be better off with him. He moved in with us so for the past 7 years my hubby and I have been helping raise our grandson. I have had constant 24 hour care of him and he is like my own. Our son does help but he works long hours so as you can imagine, I have had constant care of him. Our son also has primary custody of him. His mother came to see him about 6 times between the time he was 4 months old and 5 years. During those times, he really didn't have much to do with her because he really didn't know her. When he was 5, she wanted to get back together with our son and give it another try so she moved back in. When she moved back in, she didn't try to take over or anything like that, as a matter of fact, she was still more interested in being able to come and go when she wanted and having "her" time to herself. She did spend time with the grandson but she wasn't really interested in becoming his full time mom. After a year, she left again. This time it hurt our grandson.When she left the first time, he didn't know her so he didn't miss her. This time he did know her and now he misses her. Since she didn't really take over as his " Mom " all he knows of her is how much fun it was when Mom would play a game with him or spend a few minutes with her. After she left this second time, she came around twice to see him for about 30 minutes each time. Both times, he cried when she left . I am at a loss on how to explain it all to him. We do not want to talk bad about her to him and we are not out to make him hate her. We want him to get older and find out for himself what type of person she is and let him make up his own mind about how he feels about her. We did finally tell her not to come around anymore if she wasn't going to be there on a steady basis. We felt it was much harder on him to see her maybe every 6 months for 30 minutes than it was to just not see her at all. A year ago she moved out of state. He doesn't cry for her too often really, but there has been a couple times. When I find him crying I ask him what's wrong and he says he misses his Mom and wants to see her. I know he wants to see her but I also know that she is not willing to see him on a steady basis. She wants to come and go only when she feels like it. She sent an email a few days ago and asked if she could take him to where she lives now for about a month this summer. He has never been away from home here and won't even spend the night with his school friends yet. He is 7 now. I want to say absolutely not on him going to stay with her for a month, but I don't know if that would be best for him. I want what's best for him no matter what my feelings are. Should I let him go? Should I wait till he is a little older ?

I might add that she is not abusive, she is just self centered. I think she likes to be able to tell everyone she is a Mom but she doesn't want the responsibility of actually being one. I am sure she could probably handle it for a month, but should we let her see him only when it's good for her ? What is best for him ?

Thanks !

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Comments (3)

kathy2533
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You really should talk to an attorney about this.
Once that child leaves your State You'll play hell getting him back if she should decides to keep him.
brass_tacks
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What is best for your grandson is that you show his mother as much respect as you can.
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I've watched and read this thread with interest. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse as a very small child at the hands of her father. It was physical and emotional. The emotional abuse continued until he died. My mother left me with my grandparents as an infant and lived on the other side of the country until I was 9. As she wasn't around I was unaware of the acrimony between my mother and grandfather. When she came for a visit the battles began anew with me a pawn in their war. When she moved back to the town we lived in it was all out war most of the time. As I grew older and she lived near by, she began to abuse me. Some of it was subtle and cruel mental/emotional abuse some of it was her venting her fury on me physically with several awful beatings in my teens. Mostly I was aware that I was a symbol of unhappiness for her and she unconsciously wanted to destroy me. And my grandfather never abused me, he expressed affection in his grumpy way. My grandmother told me he felt sorry for me because my mother didn't love me. So that didn't help my relationship with my mother either as you can imagine. She had another child, my half sister. She pushed me away even more and attempted to have me sent away to a juvenile prison. She nearly succeeded. Fast forward. I am an adult with small children of my own. A year of therapy in my late 20s helped me resolve a lot of the painful and conflicted emotions about my mother. The damage exists, though, and still effects my relationships. Therapy and self examination help me to be more aware and conscious of my reactions. That doesn't always keep them from happening, however. I put on my big girl pants and make no excuses. One night when she was visiting and the kids were asleep, she started talking about my grandfather and told me the full tale of the vicious abuse she received and his alcoholism. She had an infant sister that died of leukemia. My grandfather turned his grief and anger on my mother who was three at the time. All news to me including the alcoholism. He was a teetotaler by the time I arrived. I sat there horrified and transfixed. That I knew nothing of this from my grandmother was no surprise as she didn't ever discuss unpleasant family events, ever. (I didn't even know about the infant who died until I stumbled on a family photo of two babies when I was 13 or so, one was obviously my mother, one was not but looked like family. I asked about that baby and my grandmother told me she had died.) How much was true? I will never know. I know my mother reinterprets events to suit her own needs. So I have to consider that. But she thinks it's true. Right then and there I forgave her all the pain I had suffered. Have I forgotten? No. And I keep both myself and my children shielded from her and have little but cursory and cordial contact. She plays obvious favorites with her grandchildren. My sister's kids get lots more attention and regular gifts. My kids understand that Nana J isn't a warm normal grandmother. But out of sight out of mind. Not perfect but not painful, either. I won't comment on your relationships, Tricia, as all families are unique. I'm simply sharing my own story of the multi-generational ripple effects of familial abuse.
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I have wonderful memories of my Grandmother. Unfortunately, I came along fairly late in life and didn't know the others. You know what I remember? The time she spent with me. I use to spend the night with her and we'd play cards for hours. she didn't have much money and lived with her friend in the upstairs of her home. It was a small upstairs and just right for the two of us. I'm getting warm all over just remembering :-) I have a son that hasn't had the benefits of good Grandparenting and I feel bad for him. His step Grandma is so busy volunteering and doing good stuff for others that all the Grandkids seem unimportant. Her and my Dad have never even had him spend the night and he's 18 now. Too old to care. My husbands side was even worse. From the day he was born they made it clear they were never going to babysit and they didn't. They never built a relationship either. I don't know if your retired or still working, but how special it would be to make time for them during summer vacation or other holidays and spend special time with you. I know when our son was little the pool at the hotel was the greatest entertainment, and it didn't have to be fancy. A walk, an ice cream, etc all willl make memories for that child to hold for the rest of their lives, and it will make them both feel real special. Perhaps you could even be a catalist for the relationship between the grandkids if they don't get to see each other much. I don't have years of wisdom to pass on, just some stuff I appreciated and treasure and regret in the life of my son and his cousins. How wonderful that you cared enough to ask on this forum. I bet your going to be wonderful Grandparents!
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brenda55
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
hi, jbraz,

I agree that you need legal advice on any out-of-state visit. With that said and based on the legal advice of an attorney, I would consider taking the boy to where the mom is if at all possible and have some supervised visitation with his mom, until you are assured his best interest is served in visiting her, I think that is the key, his best interest. You gotta make sure that the mom can offer a safe, nourishing environment during the visit and how can you possibly know this without being there yourself.

I, too, am raising a 3 year old granddaughter. Her best interest would be to be with her mother, but her mother cannot financially and emotionally support her at this particular time, for a variety of reasons, so that weighed out heavily in the court's decision.

Of course, our granddaughter's dad walked out 3 months before she was born, so we don't have that added factor.

I try to facilitate visits with our daughter, phone calls, mailings, etc.

You don't want to end up in the position of being the one "who kept him from seeing his mother." Do everything you can to facilitate his connection to his mother, have boundaries, but at the same time putting his safety, stability and well-being first and foremost, as I am sure you already do and I would tell his mother that you are doing what is in HIS best interest, not hers, not yours, but his.

What does your son think about the visit? God Bless you for taking such good care of your grandson!

This is purely from one Mimi to another......we got no manual either with this phase of our life....we just try to keep our granddaughter's best interest in mind whatever decision needs to be made, regardless.

Brenda

Need advice from Grandparents raising grandkids

Comments (3)

kathy2533

brass_tacks

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