When our aunt and our last parent passed on, those of us who inherited pulled numbers out of a hat. Each of us got a pkg of different colored stickers. #1 put their sticker on what he they wanted , #2 put her sticker on her choice. #3, #4 etc etc. We kept going round until no one wanted anything more. objective, random and diplomatic. This worked well and 20 yrs later, we're all still talking.

Good luck with your family!

OMG! It's all coming back to me. I'm so sorry for you. Is your husband the administrator of her estate? If so, he is the mediator and can designate who gets what. What your MIL may have felt about her relatives and wanted for her belongings are meaningless if she didn't put it in writing or act in some way before her death. Don't pull personal relationships into it. It will only get worse, especially if it comes up that mama didn't care so much for certain people!
Fortunately, things in my family were very organized and agreeable, thanks to my sister (executor of our parents' estates) and her attempts to be fair and include all of our siblings -- but she had the final decision when there were multiple requests. Not so nice in DH's family, who seemed to fight over everything from lamps to the lawn mower. Thank God we're 600 miles away!
I can tell you for certain, when this is behind you and things are dispersed -- you won't regret or remember any of it. It will be cathartic to let go and retain only those things that have special meaning/memories. Keep the family together -- let them have the rug. You'll be the better for it. If your DH has the final say and wants the rug -- he needs to be clear on his desire to have the few items you both want.
Good luck.

For the two estates I have been involved in dividing, we had the children (not ANY of the ILs-I was an in-law once and a daughter the other time) write down their first three choices. In both cases, one of the ILs would look at the lists and see if any two or more had the same item listed at the same priority. If not, you got what you listed. If so, you could bargain or give it up. We just kept going with listing in groups of three until we finished. Now, this was only for the really good stuff, mind you. The little stuff was just discussed and divided. Worked really well in both families.

I like your attitude, golddust. Things just aren't worth fighting over if you have a happy family now. Actually, stuff isn't ever worth fighting over whether it is worth tens of thousands of dollars or merely ten dollars-whether you have a happy family or not.

My lips are sealed about what Mom said. I'm great at diplomacy. My goal is to keep the famiy together. Period. So far, everyone is doing great. My BIL, Bill, helped me today. Poor DH is slammed with work so thank goodness for his brother stepping in. (There are three boys. Two of the boys live up here, the other lives close to where he was raised and where Mama's house is.)

I doubt anyone will step in and insist after we spent a year caring for her, and we really want very little. I'm excited to get my own things back in my house as her taste isn't mine. Lol.

Drawing numbers would work if we all wanted lots of the same things but we don't. The only thing that any two of us want in common is the rug. She wants to put it in her bedroom, I want to put it in my living room. It has been in her sitting room upstairs and we want our guest bedroom back for our kids. SIL's bed will cover most of the rug and that would be a shame. Its actually way too large for a bedroom rug. The beautiful part will be covered completely. I think caring for Mom should give us a little leverage but I'm not holding my breath. It's up to DH, who is the Executor.

Good luck with this, you certainly deserve the rug, your sil should know that after all this time.

I admire your positive attitude ! hope things go well, do keep us posted !

I was in the same situation. 3 brothers, SIL's, DH executor. We were the one's who financially supported MIL, bought her a car, etc. No one else helped out.

It was because of my SIL's greed that my DH got a backbone and took control. I didn't want anything except a quilted Santa. lol.

I told DH, this is between the brothers, not the wives. You need to have a private talk with your DH and tell him that he deserves the rug because of all the time and love you all gave to mom.

If there's any anger from your SIL, it will blow over.

Good idea to have the brothers make the decision without the in-laws. I'd love to be the fly on the wall when they get together. If your BILs are reasonable they will readily understand that the rug should be yours - after all you rearranged your home to provide a loving environment for their Mother.

With the exception of their gold wedding bands my parents didn't have anything of value. But my Mom knew that it wouldn't necessarily make the final disposal of their belongings easier. She knew her one DIL would grab anything so one day she asked her three children to write down what we might like to keep after Mom and Dad were gone. How lucky we were that there was only 1 item that was duplicated.

I hope all goes well this weekend and that everyone is still friends when it's over.

Sorry to hear of your MIL passing. I somehow missed the post.

IMO; you should get 1st pick on the rug; period. Your MIL would want it that way. They couldn't be bothered with her when she lived closer to them.

Something tells me that at one time she heard you say you liked the rug & wants it just because of that.

I doubt she's the type of person to say that since you cared for MIL & want so little that you should have it.

You've been on the high road through this whole journey and stepping back to let the brothers deal with this last bit is the smartest thing you can do. I hope the rug finds a permanent home with you but if not, you have the right attitude.

Completely agree with what dlm just posted. You have handled this whole situation with love, compassion and grace - and I have no doubt you will continue.

You are certainly taking the high road and have the important long term view of things. I'm rooting for you.

I would only suggest that you put certain phrases in your husband's head to use if things get contentious, such as "My wife did a tremendous job of caring for Mom at the end. She gave up a lot to make Mom comfortable and feel at home. Making sure she gets this rug is the least I can do to try to repay her."

Would you please let us know what you end up doing with the Fostoria, crystal and milk glass? My MIL has a ton of it and I want to be able to suggest things to my x-DH when he has to deal with it.

This post was edited by graywings on Thu, Apr 4, 13 at 11:38

I like what graywings says. Your DH needs to say that you get the rug. Think about what would be left of the estate if you had not cared for Mama. I can tell you --nothing. You have more than earned that rug.

I am going to have to face this one of these days. Fortunately, my mother has lived so long that I am already at the stage of life where I am getting rid of stuff rather than adding more. My three nieces will end up with most of it since my sons have no interest except in perhaps some power tools. My bigger problem will be getting rid of stuff, not settling battles. I hope. If the three nieces all want the same things, they will have to settle it among themselves. Ugh, I dread the day.

Go get your rug!

I hope it works out for you. With your attitude, you can't lose.

My mother left so much booze. She collected it, I think. Didn't drink it. I had fantasies of passing out bottles to people as they pulled away from the cemetery -- party favors. I don't mean that in a snarky way. There was so much of it and even though I asked people to take it when they came to visit there was still a lot left! There were little miniatures and pretty collectors bottles. I had to get rid of a closetful and a cabinetfull to make room for her caregiver so I gave it to the K of C. There is still more. I wish you lived closer.

This post was edited by jamies on Thu, Apr 4, 13 at 10:16

Golddust, you are a wonderful and generous woman. I must say I don't know if I could be so gracious if dealing with the SIL. Following your posts re: MIL, I have really come to NOT like the SIL!! She is selfish and greedy and sneaky.

I'm not saying this to rile you up, but to anticipate her next move. If you do get the rug - (and we all know your MIL would want you to have it )- will she want the paintings just to be vindictive? I think yes.

Does she know of your interest in the paintings? If not, don't tell her. I think you need to decide which you want more - the paintings or the rug. Hopefully you will get both, but be prepared to prioritize, as you might have to make a deal.

I don't mean to sound so Macheavellian about the whole thing. At the end of the day it is all just stuff. However, this woman is a snake and I hate to see her take advantage of your good will.

Nicole

I think you are a very wise and gracious woman.

I would (if she won't give up on the rug) suggest a rug-share. Tell her you'll keep it for 10 years, then it's hers for the next 10 years.

Nigel, DH's father was a commercial artist by trade and a painter by hobby. There are so many paintings that many were not even hung. There are two of the bunch that DH wants. SIL lived close and in the early years, they were given paintings... Some of the very best he painted. My other BIL currently has no room where he lives so the ones he gets will likely be stored here.

I don't think my SIL is a snake, she is an only child and a natural bulldozer. She called me and informed me what her goal for my house was with this visit. (LOL) Back off, lady! I explained why her goal was impossible and told her what my goal was. (To have everyone get what they want and pack the odds and ends up for an estate sale, to be scheduled when the weather stabilizes.)

There is no way to meet her goal of removing everything of Mama's from my house and putting all my stuff back in place in two days. There is nowhere to put Mama's random furniture, etc. that no one is going to want. The process has be a slower one because of weather, organizing, pricing and advertising. Preparing for an Estate sale takes time and work. Right now, I just need to know what is going to be left after everyone gets what they want. After the estate sale, I will bring my things back.

She tries to be helpful but doesn't know how to work well with others. The only child syndrome.

I'm not offering a rug share. LOL. It's either hers or mine. :)

goldie, I'm sure you will work it all out. Sounds like you are still busy!

And, I love ya girl, but just have to disagree about the "only child" part- that is a myth. I know plenty of kids who have siblings that act like your SIL.

Olliesmom, I know plenty of only children who don't act like her as well. She is a difficult person to describe. She describes herself as an only child and she thinks that is why she wants everything done her way. And she is unapologetic for it.

We're going through the same thing with my Mil. My DH and his brother are the executors. Oldest sis already came in (swooped) and took a bunch of stuff out of the house.

I'm staying out of it. It could get ugly.

I'm going to try to remember this post and all the replies.
golddust, I love that you say your SIL is a "challenge."
I'm going to steal that, because it's such a nice way of saying what I think you are saying!
It sounds like you have exactly the right attitude - good for you.
(And I hope the rug stays with you.)

My mother left it to me to disperse of her jewelry, including the diamonds. Totally at my discretion. When my father thought my eldest niece should get the earrings upon her marriage he asked me first, even though he bought them in the first place:).

Anyway, in-laws and future in-laws were absent from the process and had no input on the selection (not directly, anyway). A different niece did want the earrings, but she was adequately compensated with other pieces. There weren't any problems.

When we go through the contents of the house, it will be the same process, with in-laws totally out of the house when there is a division of effects (actually my dad prefers some of this take place now, while he can see it being used elsewhere.)

But my family doesn't have anybody who is super-acquisional, and the one sister who is a bit so just doesn't get everything she wants. I have no problem with that.

red lover: That's so funny (swooped and took). What in the world happens to families! I also stood by and watched it happen, but oddly enough I was the only existing DIL and was tasked with clearing it all out while standing by and watching the sharks circle for "stuff". It was like an out of body experience. I wish I could put it into writing. If I were British, I would say I was "gob smacked".
I really don't think, in the end, getting anyone else's stuff aids in closure. That said: Goldust-- you should have at least one request and as caregiver and as hubby is executor -- take the rug!
Best wishes to you and your family.

Does your SIL know you have the diamond ring? Just wondering if that compromises the situation at all.

Kellyeng: All she wants is the rug. Why would what she already has compromise the situation. My siblings and I had many gifts from my mom and dad before they passed. What does that have to do with what might be given after death?

The diamond ring was specified (in her trust) to go to DH well before I even knew him. He made it for her before I was known to the family. in her trust she specified that any household or personal effects given to anyone shall not be held against them when it comes to splitting up the estate equally.

So the ring was left to DH. Of course he gave it to me. The rest of the jewelry that we get is the jewelry DH made for her throughout the years as gifts. The remainder of her jewelry is not ours. I don't want any more. Even some of the jewelry DH made for her is being split up. We just don't want it all.

A friend of mine's grandparents moved to Florida after living in NYC for about 50 years. The moving van somehow ended up running off the road and catching on fire, leaving them with a few boxes of important papers and family photos that they took themselves. They said it was actually quite freeing.

Annie, I'm in complete understanding of the situation with the ring and the rug. If I were the SIL I would be more than happy to let Goldie have whatever she wants. To do otherwise is just selfish and inconsiderate.

But considering the SIL is not me and is a "challenge," I was just throwing the ring thing out there because it could possibly be an issue with an unreasonable person. UNREASONABLE is the key word here. That's all.

kellyeng, I have to say, until goldie explained it her husband made the ring, etc, I was wondering about the ring too-not that it's any of my business-but I did wonder.

Of course, in the end, it is whatever MIL specified.

Palimpsest, your post is my mantra for the weekend. Getting rid of stuff is freeing. Having two houses in one for the past year has been trying. I'm hoping her people want her stuff. (OK, except for the rug...)

They should be here in a couple hours. Of course they are morning people and I am not... they left home before I woke up.

So what happened??

Nicole

Gold, this is an idea you might consider-my mom agreed to hold an 'estate sale' for a lady who recently went into a nursing home. She had an entire house of furnishings the assorted life stuff. Mom put ads on Craigslist for the big stuff and some of the more important items-and she sold nearly half the things the same day she put out the ads. She still hasn't had the actual sale, but she's down to a lot less than what she started with, and no longer has to store it all till the weather clears up.

Thanks, Pesky but I don't want a bunch of random strangers running around my house. It worked for your Mom because the lady wasn't going to be there again and everything was being sold so it didn't matter. Items being sold from my house will be outside in the yard or Ebayed.

Primarily the family is splitting things up so as much as possible remains within the family, as per Mama's wishes. She had nice pieces. Not really my taste but some pieces can be easily incorporated.

I got the rug (not a word was said about it when DH said he wanted it). We won one painting that DH wanted but we have decided on a rotating art exchange, so even the paintings he didn't get will show up again. Plus there are plenty left to hopefully share with grands. Dad's paintings are his legacy.

There is so much glass no one is really interested in. China? No thanks. We have our own sets that we don't use and who needs more? There is a crystal perfume bottle like hers on EBay for $99., Buy It Now. It hasn't sold and who knows how many times it has been listed.

SIL and I stayed out of the fray completely and let the boys flip coins for things more than one wanted. After the siblings got what they wanted, we invited SIL to pick what she wanted from what was left.

BIL and SIL are going home with a truck load this morning. I know this was a great family and SIL isn't a snake. She is a self confessed control freak who showed tremendous restraint this weekend. If she can't control everything but can respect the process, she seems good. I think the process we used worked. I'm learning more about who SIL is ( in her heart) and how to work with her. My own challenge is to work us through the initial bulldozing of any given situation without feeling flattened.

This IS a wonderful family. On to deal with her annuity and a small life insurance claim. The house is bound by a two year lease. Houses in her area are going into bidding wars right now. We discussed the possibility of buying the tenants out of the lease and listing it for sale while the market is hot - AND before the next bubble bursts. I think we need to trust it will all work out the way it is supposed to work out. We don't need to decide that right now. We do need to follow the market down there and look toward a paint job to freshen up the outside.

Sounds like it all worked out perfectly.

Honestly, I think this is the first "inheritance between family members" story I've ever heard that actually turned out well.

Glad everything went smoothly.

I'm so glad you got the rug! Ten bucks your BIL had a private chat with your SIL before they got there. Now you need to take a picture for us!

I've been reading this thread with interest to see how everything would turn out. I am happy that your process was civilized and without major family drama. I've closed out each of my grandparent's estates and I couldn't believe some of the things that were fought over. I certainly lost some respect for my aunts and uncles as I watched them squabble over picayune items.

I love vintage china and glassware. Maybe I'll be one of your buyers on eBay... :-D