uuummmmmmmmmm......so now this is her party? And why is your husband so quick to switch your plans to suit her? I think it was just plain rude of your bil to even say anything other than "sounds great..we'll be there" Not to mention that by the time hubby called at 3 I am sure you had already bought the extra snacks and cleaned like a mad women. Not to mention wanting to enjoy your new yard feature.
I know this is late..but for the future ( and there will be more if the 3 of them treat you this way)I would say my plans are not changing. Period.
Good luck,
Annette

My husband's family has been known to launch a prolonged holy war over trivial things and this would foot the bill. HOwever, when my husband got home he went into more detail and it gets even more galling. It seems my BIL and his wife felt they were entitled to a home cooked meal or BBQ and pizza was not what they would call dinner. I remind you that numerous times we have been invited to their home for dinner and they served Dominoes. So it is not like this is some weird thing...I, quite frankly, am flabbergasted. So, my husband tells his brother that no one in our home is cooking since we wanted a relaxing night to enjoy our company..Not cooking and cleaning dishes all night..And yes..I had already made a lot of the appetizers and the desert. They were supposed to be here at 730 but now it will be 8pm...I dont know why my husband caved. He usually does not back down and he really did not want to discuss the matter further. I am up here trying to vent a bit before these ingrates arrive...

Ok...some points to your husband as he did not want you to have to cook a big meal.( SOME.....you still did alot of work)
But your inlaws need to get some manners, that is no way to treat ANYONE much less family.
Your best bet is to introduce me as your long lost "hick" sister........you'll never have them around again :) I would also treat myself to alittle "gift" for the work you did for nothing. Make it a big enough amount that hubby wonders where the money went ( with mine it is 2 cents..)anyways if he questions X amount gone you can point out that was what you spent on trying to show his family a good time with extra food, drink,flowers,cleaners ect....
I feel bad for you ( and hubby if he is tryin' to keep calm waters so that his family stays happy...that is no way to live.)

You aren't wrong to be peeved at the change of plans. I agree that your inlaws could use a course in Manners 101. That being said, how did it go?

Yeah, I want to hear what SIL had for dinner at the restaurant.
You know, this sounds like the brother's family didn't understand that they had been invited to a planned party. More like they were just thinking it was a casual agreement to get the families together with plans still open for suggestions. Kind of like when a group starts out thinking they'll go for some Chinese, but then someones remembers an Italtan place they've been wanting to try. In the future, you could try inviting them in a more formal way (with a card or something) so they know you actually set the plan/ menu already.
Or maybe the brother's wife developed some kind of slightly embarassing medical condition in the last week that prevents her from eating pizza, which they don't want to discuss publically even at the risk of seeming rude for asking for a change in plans.
I don't know why I am making up excuses for these people. If you know this family is prone to conflict, then save your careful plans and preparation for other guests.

Think I would instruct hubby that if that happens again to say ..."Oh? We'll miss you."
Linda C

First off I want to thank you all for lenting me vent and for your commonsense replies. To answer some questions:
To Amaqan: I decided last night that I was going shopping today..The house is spotless and we got plenty of food to eat for two days...lol...sigh...So what else can I do??hehe
To Wazzup: The dinner was ok..It was hard ordering when I knew I had all that food sitting in the fridge. Had the resturant offered pizza on the menu, I would have ordered that!! But here is the sad/funny part...We were waiting for my other SIL to show up and my BIL and his wife start discussing plans for their 4yo's birthday party in 2 weeks and he said, and I quote "Well, all I know is I want to have fun and not cooking all day so we are either going to have just hotdogs or order pizza"...I almost spit out my drink and excused myself for a minute..
To Jasper: I can safely say there was no medical condition that would embarrass my SIL enough for her to keep it secret. First, she is a nurse and second, I have been treated to all sorts of details of their medical histories past and present that I would have been happy to have never heard about...AS for confusion theory, I have to say again, no...We have been having get togethers for almost 10 years. In the ten years no one has ever sent a formal invitation, other than a birthday or other event. These casual get togethers have always been the host provides the refreshments, dinner or whatever and people show up and eat it. And for the question of the hour...SIL had blackened chicken alfredo..And ate 2 bites because she treated herself to 3 cocktails at my house and then raided the bread basket at the table...So there we have it..And no one came back to eat the desert and special coffee I had planned so guess what I had for breakfast!!!!! Thanks again...These people are quite annoying so dont be surprised if you hear from me again at the next funtion!!

Curious why you let that golden opportunity pass when BIL announced their upcoming pizza plans. Sounds to me like you kept your mouth shut long enough. When he opened the door I would've walked through instead of leaving the table.

I agree with both LindaC and Cindy. Once BIL opened that door, I would have been the first one through it. (and I hate confrontations, but sometimes you just have to have your say).

Ann.

Unfortunatly the door opened at a time not appropriate for a confrontation. Our children were sitting with us at the time and I know there would have been angry loud words at the comment I would have chosen at that particular time ....We did not pay for their meals at the resturaunt since it was they who did not want what we had already paid for. They were on their own. And that is how my husband got even with them without the ruckus. He hit them in the purse strings and I know that is an effective punishment for that group!! So I guess we really did get the better end of the deal..I came home from dinner with a spotless house with not a dish in the dishwasher. I am still astonished by the gall some people have and it will be a very long time before any of them are invited to our home unless it is a birthday or some other big event.

summergirl,

I think you and your DH handled this very well. You kept your composure and you made your point nonverbally. I bet a confrontation would have been more satisfying in the short run, but based on your comments, I get the impression you'd have a family feud to deal with. Sorry that your inlaws are such thoughtless jerks - I wouldn't invite them back anytime this decade.

Denise

Hello!

I'm so sorry your inlaws gave you a hard time, but I'm glad you were a gracious hostess and showed your kids that you have manners. After all what would putting them "in their place" have done? They're all adults, after all, and while it would have more satisfying to tell them about themselves, it would have given them what they wanted, because they are obviously old enough to know better and they probably wanted a conflict. Why let anyone make you feel bad about yourself? While they were paying for their food, I might have let them know that I had cooked something that would have cost them nothing, but other than that, I probably would not have said anything, either.

I was reading about this nonsense in my local newspaper's Food Section a while ago, and I can't believe the rudeness of people, and the subject of that article was people who were on various diets, not nasty guests. Health problems should be accomodated-but foolishness and having the upper hand? Go away. I am a vegetarian, and I have never expected any host/hostess to go out of their way for me.

Anyway, congratulations on being good about it.

Happy gardening!

Borealis

Thanks Borealis....I have come to realize these people just don't get it when it comes to compassion and common decency. They dont care that someone worked all day to make things "just right"..Nor do they care that someone's feelings could be hurt. My husband told me I am too sensitive and read too much into these sorts of things...But he was not the one who did all the work getting things ready, either...

In my opinion, to tell someone "you are too sensitive," is a very insensitive thing to do.

I agree, Anita...Sometimes my husband can lack compassion. When it comes to his family, he will be mad for about 10 minutes and then he is ok...He does not care what they think and that is that. And I really dont care either but out and out rudeness still gets to me...sigh...

You are certainly more tolerant than I would have been. I probably would have called the BIL and told them "after you have finished at the restuarant, you are more than welcome to drop by our home and join us." It has taken me a long time to learn to stick up for my rights! But I do it!

Lady, you sound like a "class act"!

Now if you are going for class and nobel as well, you can never act like you were put out.

Tough, huh!

Laughing.......I would have thrown a shoe and then it would have been me that everyone could talk about for weeks if not years!

Good for you!

Why thank you dlee..This weekend is the 4yo neice's birthday party...I will need to save up every good manner and grace I have in me for this one....I have not really spoken with any of those people since my "un-party" a couple of weeks ago. It will be interesting to be sure...I will probably be posting here again either for advice or probably just to vent!! LOL.....sigh.....

LOL!!! Maybe you better pack a lunch!!!
Linda C

Dear summergirl:

OMG! I thought you were writing about my son & daughter-in-law!!! I can not tell you how many times in the past year (they've only been married a year) that my DIL has made my son call to change pre-arranged dinner plans at OUR house!

I find it quite annoying not to mention rude. I would NEVER have the nerve to call up someone that's invited my husband & I to lunch and say "You know pookie has some things she has to do this afternoon, so instead of 12:00, we'll see you at about 2:00". UGGHH!!!

This seems to be the norm with them. I suppose it just never occured to them how much work goes into getting things ready...since DIL "doesn't know how to cook"!

Glad you "vented", now I feel better too!!!
Thanks

Well, I am glad I am not alone here!! My daughter's birthday is at the end of October...This year is a Halloween costume party. My BIL's wife is now planning her own Halloween costume party...HMMMM....I wonder what day she will choose?? I told my inlaws a couple of weeks ago what day the party will be. BIL's wife will probably do it the day before. She did that to me last year. Oh happy joy....

The day before? Now how are you going to have time to attend a party when you have stuff to do for your daughter's party? I would not attend (speaking strictly for myself) the other party unless it were scheduled after her birthday. It does sound like one-upmanship oh BIL & SIL's part. The next time you plan a party (for adults in the family)... make it a potluck and avoid doing so much work to entertain people who are so inconsiderate.

Fireraven9
The morns are meeker than they were,
The nuts are getting brown;
The berry's cheek is plumper,
The rose is out of town. - Emily Dickinson

I never go anywhere the day before my daughter's party, unless it is the grocery store, bakery or something like that. These people will always be doing the one up to anyone else who is unfortunate enough to want a "moment". It drives them crazy if someone else dares step into the spotlight. And once I finally figured that out, I think I can deal with it.....But I still can not deal with just plain rudeness

Summergirl it's time to say "I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun y'all."

Jan

LOL, Jan....if only......if only....I am really glad I posted here originally because I got to vent, read some wonderful advice and know there are others here in the same or worse shape with family members. We finally got a chance to show off our backyard...this time we invited people who just wanted to hang out and eat PIZZA!!!! Imagine that!!

An embarassing medical condtion that precludes the eating of pizza???

Hey, I have high cholesterol and take meds for it and eat very healthily at home... but If I am a guest at someone's home either I will politely decline the offer of pizza and fill up on other, healthier stuff, or I will just have a slice or 2 or3 of pizza and make up for it the next day.

Some people are rude, some are just stupid and some are both!

I've just read the posts from the beginning,
and from what I gather, the SIL may have been
jealous of your beautiful new remodel, and
wanted to steal your thunder by insisting
everyone go out to a restaurant instead. Rude
nonetheless. I think you handled it with
class. Hopefully DH won't cave in next time
and will tell them how much hard work it was
for you.

Tooooo BAD FOR HER I WOULD NOT GO OUT TOO EAT.

Summergirl,
You sound like a very refined person. I know how upsetting it can be when given an opportunity to blow your head off and opt not to take it for the good of kids and peace in general. And, you know, even if you did rant and rave, these types don't turn around and say, "you are right...what was I thinking!?" But, you have the peace of mind and you know you are just dealing w/ unmannerly people. And, you got a free night out, to boot! Good for you! :)

Wow....

This is such an interesting post. I find it amazing that everyone applauded the "suffer in silence" approach!

While I certainly would not have made a scene at the restaurant, the fact of the matter is that you planned a party that THEY were INVITED too. They got the plans changed to be what they wanted, regardless of your feelings. If you think for a moment that they worried about the damage you did to the restaurant bill and that you got your revenge that way, you're kidding your self. People that immediately say "Oh, we'll foot the bill" for a large party at a restaurant typically aren't worried at the outset about the cost (whether they can truly afford it or not).

I also cannot believe that your husband caved on going to the restaurant. How weak is this guy? This didn't even need a confrontation at that point. He simply should have looked at his own BROTHER and said, "C'mon, are you kidding me? My wife's done all kinds of neat things around the house, wait until you see it."

Sheesh...it's so frustrating to see people pushed around by those that are supposedly so close to them. People like this count on the rest of us to have the good manners not to make a scene nor to put up much resistance.

I cannot count the number of times that I've eaten before a party. I usually do it because I don't particularly like to eat a full meal while mingling with strangers. So I always eat a light meal before attending so I can drink and sample hors d' oeurves freely without having to sit down to get enough to eat! Why couldn't these people have done the same and simply shut up!

My $.02

aiki

You're a better person than I. I would have hit the roof, both at the rude in laws and at my DH for allowing it to happen.

I do hope that, in the future, you're able to get little paybacks in here and there. What comes around, goes around...eventually.

Don't make it over here often and jsut saw the thread.
Man, but my in-laws look really good right now.

Hats off to you for maintaining composure. If you'd exploded at the restaurant, you'd be hearing about it 20 years from now. I don't think I could hae kept quiet.

I think, were it me and if such should happen again, my reply would be "oh, well, after YOU have dinner, why don't you stop by for coffee."

I was surprised to see this thread going...First I would like to say I did not 'suffer in silence" and play the martyr. As I mentioned in earlier posts, throwing a temper tantrum in front of a 7 and 3 year old would certainly not have been appropriate behaviour for an adult no matter the situation. And making a scene in a resturaunt is just plain tacky. I know it is hard for many to understand what I was dealing with and why I dealt with rudeness with no rebuttle. But these people, so called family, just do not get it. THey are self centered mean spirited tacky people who would not and will not ever understand what it means to see the shoe on the other foot. My husband is not weak minded but he has grown up with them and knew this was not the battle to fight over for the next 2 or so years. It just was not worth it. No one picked up the entire check, everyone was on their own. I got my point across in later months and I have a story about my daughters birthday party that would curl straight hair...lol...I may write about it later on....

well my hair needs a good curling and besides, now you've got our curosity up. Tell us!

Indeed! I always wanted curly hair.

Lee AKA Fireraven9
"Constant Vigilance!" Mad Eye Moody

Ok...here goes...My daughter's birthday is around Halloween. This year she wanted a costume party with pizza (heheh) and lots of snacks. We had 15 kids show up along with my family and the inlaws. I found out most details late that night and the next day and was absolutly horrified. Once the cake was cut and party games were over the kids all went up to the gameroom to play. Most adults went to the den to watch the World Series...I ran around like a wild woman doing "hostess stuff"...My inlaws must have brought gold in their wine bottles because I heard people making comments of how they were actually hoarding the stuff and picking up the bottles if anyone got close to the wine. No one else there was into wine so they really had no problem there. Well, my MIL started drinking at 4pm and right around game time she began slurring and having a difficult time getting around. Mind you, this is a children's party...I had no idea they were drinking so heavily. The rest of the inlaws began to get drunk as well. My one friend was for the team my MIL was against and after a few times of my friend cheering for her team, my MIL *flipped her off*...And then when MIL's team began losing, the "F-word" began flying. They were so drunk that they had no idea that when they thought they were talking behind someone's back or insulting one of the guests, many times that person was in earshot. They pretty much alienated every guest at the party. My SIL's teenaged daughter started downing the wine coolers that I had in the back of the fridge and then the family began trying to get her 14 year old sister to drink as well, making fun of her when she refused. Then my SIL begans telling people she smokes anything and inquired if anyone had some "good stuff"...I am sure there is more but these are just some highlights. One of the parents cornered me and said her daughter would not be staying on for the slumber party until "those people" left...When the inlaws left for the evening, the remaining guests cheered. So there you go. This year Thanksgiving is at my BIL's home...My sister lives two miles away so I told my husband I will be spending the day there....We have our own family Thanksgiving a few days before because being children of divorced parents the day is usually pretty hectic so I really wont be missing anything special. We already had our special evening with just us....Oh, a few days later my MIL called my husband. I asked if she called to appologize for her disgusting behaviour. He said no..she called to say the person we picked 2nd place for the costume party should have won and she was disappointed with who won first place. So there you have it...They have not a clue in their heads that they pretty much ruined a child's party. Luckely most of the people there were sympathetic and some were even entertained by the whole thing. I was mad, horrified but not surprised. SIGH.....And to all who ask why did I serve booze. I did not. They brought their own. I did not think a children's party needed cocktails.

That does indeed curl hair! In the future you may want to not invite them for kids parties or expressly forbid alcohol and other substances for the party and allow the inlaws to come without the intoxicants. If you see any contraband you can confiscate it and maybe warn that you will confiscate in the invite. I do wonder what was in the bottles ... perhaps more than just wine? Spooky and not in the Halloween sense of the word.

Lee AKA Fireraven9
"Constant Vigilance!" Mad Eye Moody

Oh my god. I would have hit the roof.

No, on second thought, I would have just kicked them out of the house and poured the "wine" down the toilet. One thing for sure, they would never have a chance to be alone with my kids, had I any.

Yep. That pretty much curled the hair. Makes me real happy to live half a country away from relatives.