Ha! That describes my ex-DH. Divorce was how I dealt with that :-)

I do not currently have people like that in my life, and I cannot remember anyone other than ex-DH that was like that in my life.

My DD has had a few friends in her life that were this way. It took her a while, but she also separated herself from them, but it was not an easy process for her (or me!).

I don't know if I have any bossy or controlling people in my life or not. Perhaps because I don't allow people to boss me or control me. I don't give people that kind of power over me. I do have a couple of people that I just simply don't like that I have cut out of my life.

I can't think of anyone like that in my life at this point. There have been at different periods, but like blfenton, I decided I wasn't going for that. Of course, you probably don't want to cut your dad and/or sister out of your life. I think you have to choose to just let them be and go one living life as you want. You probably can't change them, but you don't have to give them that power over you.

tina

It's certainly possible to have bossy/controlling people "in your life", but refuse to bow to their demands. I am thinking of someone who is a part of my life (although neither a friend nor a relative), and while it is her unfortunate habit to be extremely pushy at times, I don't allow her to dictate to me. I'll either ignore her completely, or tell her outright that I'm not doing things her way - no discussion or explanation added. Of course, how you deal with bossy/controlling people also has a lot to do with the role that they play in your life. It's easier to take a certain approach with some people than it is with others.

My ex was extremely bossy and controlling - to the point where he even attempted to tell me how to align myself politically and telling me not to use "foul language." That only served to make me even more liberal and say the f-word an awful lot in his presence. Like I said - he's now an ex.

I guess a related question might be - are you a bossy and controlling person? I'm really a pretty laid back, considerate person but DH might say that I'm bossy and controlling....

LOL, Gibby, I was going to say the exact same thing.

I guess the only person I know is my sister. It doesn't bother me because I just do what I want to do anyway and I can tease her about it. For the most part, we do what she wants to do most of the time like choosing restaurants and where to go shopping, etc. On that stuff, I really don't care and if she does, I'm happy to let her get her way.

My biggest concern is her son. He's only six and the bossy/controlling behavior is affecting him negatively at school and with friends. Problem is, she thinks it's cute. She hasn't said that, it's just my impression. I'm probably mean ol' aunt Kelly because I don't put up with it from him.

Jen, your ex sounds like my Dad. Loved that man, but gads...he was bossy. My mother is also a controlling person, but she does it in a passive/aggressive manner.

DH says I'm bossy, but I don't think that's the case, more that I can't stand indecision and drama, so I probably come across to him as bossy since I generally have to step in and take control of the situation. I HATE THAT!! I honestly think I'd rather be around bossy people than helpless, perfectly capable adults. At least I wouldn't be ready to tear my hair out!

I might be bossy and controlling, depending on what one considers bossy and controlling, of course--we probably all have different ideas about what is and what is not up to us to control or decide.

Some people in my extended family have referred to me as a "drill sargeant", but then again I consider their wives to be a) doormats or b) passive aggressive.

Many years ago a customer where I worked was criticizing Martha Stewart for being overly controlling b/c she once criticized her husband sharply for using the wrong cleaner on their pricey stove. I think that if a man can get a law degree or a stock broker license or whatever it is her husband did, he can learn what cleaner to use on the darn stove and be responsible for that. Is she supposed to just be so grateful that he's cleaning the stove that she doesn't mind him ruining it?

So, if asking people to be just as responsible and fully funtional an adult as I am makes me overly controlling, yes, I am!

Leafy,

Being opinionated and bossy is very different from being a leader. Using your example, there are lots of cleaners that will work to clean a stove. So the question is, which cleaner was he using? Was it a cleaner that could work on a stove just as well? Or was Martha dictating and chastising him because he didn't use the cleaner she wanted him to use or thought was best. Bossy and over powering people have a tendency to feel superior and dismiss the feelings of others. Showing her husband a little respect and courtesy in my opinion was much more important than chastising him about which cleaner he used. My husband has several degrees, one is in Astro Physics so he's certainly no dummy, but I'd never expect him to know which cleaner to use on a stove.

I think what Nancy (and I could be wrong) is referring to is someone who does not allow another to think freely, and try to control another persons opinions or choices. It's common knowledge that Martha has this problem.

I agree with you, lukki.

Hopefully, most people are somewhere in between bossy and controlling and doormat or passive aggressive.

Thanks Nancy! I have four sisters and we each come with very strong personalities, so I get it!

Yes, I do.

I just transferred from an office where the manager was bossy/controlling/micromanaging. She has a good heart and will do so much for others, but her managing style is to try to control every single aspect of the business. She puts others down, intimidates, and is rude in her dealings with employees, including the manager who is her direct report. This person makes the job very unpleasant for those who come under fire. Several people have posted for other offices to get away. (Note: She knows what she does)

My current manager is someone I've worked for in years past. She is bossy/controlling and can micromanage. She also, has a good heart and will do anything for you. (Note: She knows what she does)

The difference between these two bosses? It's a chasm as big as the Grand Canyon. The first manager denigrates, bites off other's sentences, is scathing in her speech.
The second boss is kind and good-hearted. She helps make people better employees. She is self-deprecating and knows she is controlling. She's a pleasure to work for.

With both bosses, I pretty much just do as they wish. With both bosses, I make a stand when they go too far with me personally. I would never willingly work for the first person again. I chose to come back to work for the second. Putting up with a little bit of micro-managing is not beyond my abilities to make for a comfortable workplace.

Sometimes the thing to do is just bend a little. Sometimes the right thing to do is stand up for yourself and for others. It can be a judgement call.

Red

I was thinking about this thread yesterday as I was driving. "Bossy" is a word used only by women. You would never hear a man use this term.

Every time I have gone on a trip with other women, I am reminded why I shouldn't. You end up with a group of people saying, "Oh, I don't know, what does everyone else want to do?" Women dither rather than risk being labeled bossy.

If you watch the TV show Survivor, you see that same dynamic among women. No one wants someone else to lead, yet they are unable to form consensus quickly as an equal group.

Gray, I love Survivor! lol. There are two people in my family like that, but in a minor way. I just say "whatever" to myself to keep the peace.

Gray, the worst job I ever had was working with a lot of women. MEOW. The best job I had was when it was me and two other ladies working for male professors. This was back when there weren't many female tenured prof's.

I think I wrote this before, but my last job was at a bank. I worked 6 hours a day. Which is why I applied. I could take the kids to school and pick them up. Heaven! And I didn't know this until a big brouhaha started over it, but I got paid a lot more than the full-time women did who had been there for years. Hey, it wasn't my fault, but let's just say they held it against me when they found out. Did I say "MEOW?"

One day I was sitting at my desk and this lady walked by and said in this sarcastic voice, "It must be nice to only work 6 hours a day." Then she walked off.

Just don't put me in an office with more than 3 women. lol

I've read that females act this way as children because it's how they show aggression. (unlike boys, who are more physically competitive and aggressive). I wonder why many women still act this (meow or bossy) way as adults? Grown men don't still punch each other. Their competitiveness etc seems more direct.

I would not consider it catty of woman who worked full-time and had more experience to be irritated (dare I say, angry) to discover that a part-time newbie was making more money than she. Of course, they should have gone directly to the boss with their complaints. Also, odd that they even found out. Salary is not something most people discuss and definitely not something that a boss would share.

Women I work with have been almost always unfailingly supportive of one another. Our mantra is "Always assume good intentions."

I haven't worked outside the home for awhile, but when I was a teacher (mostly women there), many were supportive but there was definitely that "cattiness" thing too. And it's said that "nurses eat their young" (don't know if that's true). Other than that I don't know if it's real or just a notion.

That's great about the women you work with, cyn.

I worked in an office for 10 years with the same group of women and while we had our ups and downs, we were all very close and supportive, especially when someone was experiencing an something especially difficult. That said, there was still a lot of drama and always someone complaining about something. I have to admit, that after I started working at home, I missed the interaction with people, but did not miss the mucky drama at all.

Pesky nailed it for me:

"more that I can't stand indecision and drama, so I probably come across to him as bossy since I generally have to step in and take control of the situation."

Best example is holidays. Perfectly capable people (family) who can host and cook but won't, whatever their reason. They tell me, complain to me, suggest to me. I am able to host and capable to cook and try to set a nice table and food, etc. Then I get accused of "being bossy" by setting the time, menu, etc!!

Cancelling Christmas (hosting open-house xmas eve, sleepover to xmas morning, breakfast, and dinner) sure put most in their place. I just felt bad for the others who appreciated the effort. The drama (mostly from younger siblings) wasn't worth it.

Now most holidays are me and DH and I can say, I never had better.

Complaining, whiney people drain my energy. I tend to try too hard to make people happy, then I wondered. Who helps me?

Not trying to be selfish. But if "being bossy" is how I come off to some, I will assure you, it's just trying to survive!

Great topic and I appreciate the board to "talk" to. Not permitted in the family!

Oops! I think that I just turned bossy and controlling! I never tell my husband what to wear, he purchases all of his own clothes and even irons them too, but... He came home with 3 new "vacation" shirts, because we are going on a short trip to Mexico soon. You know the kind, loose fitting short sleeves, often in a tropical print. Anyway, one of them was a solid yellow with white stripes up the front (a Charlie Harper shirt if you are familiar with 2 and a Half Men) Well this color of yellow is just not the most flattering shade on him and he bought all the shirts in a size large, which IMO is too big for him. It just swallowed him up. So he took the yellow shirt back. I happened to be shopping at the same store today and I saw the shirt in a really nice taupe color that I know looks good on him, so I bought it in a medium, which looked like it would fit much better. I brought it home and it turned out that he hadn't even bothered to try on a medium, but it fits so much better!

terriks,
That's not bossy and controlling, that's simply knowing what's best.

nancybee,
I'm sorry I don't have any great advice on how to deal with b&c family members. As you know, it's easier to just remove non-family members from your life. I guess you just need to find a mantra ('thank you but no, I'll do it this way' or 'sure, that's one way to think about it') and keep repeating it every time they try to b&c.

At times, I'm sure I'm viewed as b&c. I can't tolerate it when a group, and not just women, can't/won't make a decision because everyone is trying to be polite and accommodating. In the meantime, we still haven't picked a restaurant or a time to meet. Ahhhh! So, I cut through that foolishness and say we'll meet here and this time. There, decision made, now we can get onto to enjoying ourselves. If they don't like it then they should make the decision next time.

oakleyok,
When I worked part-time, I worked with someone who would say "it must be nice to have banker's hours" in a snarky kind of way. I would give her a big smile and say "it sure is".