We've got a galley kitchen and I can't keep folks out.

So, I give them specific tasks to do if they want to help. I'm also very specific about appliance use. Luckily I've just gotten a BlueStar, so it may be tough to damage and if the stainless gets scratched or dented, so what? It's a tool, not a piece of interior design. I'm a bit of a grouch about knife abuse, but hey, I can always go to Fante's and get them reground. Countertops are a whole other issue. Just keep lots of cork trivets around.

If someone accidentally broke one of my Terre de Provence plates, I'd be upset, but it is, after all, just a plate (If they did it on purpose, that would be a different story).

Relax, enjoy your kitchen, but more importantly enjoy your guests. Things can be repaired or replaced - friends, not so much.

I feel your pain.

Check out the Cooking Forum, and post your question there. Those people are really into their cooking, and should have some good-natured advice on the topic.

But I think my basic advice is to speak up! Be friendly and nice, but be firm.

You may find more advice on the Miss Manners forum:

http://boards.live.com/Lifestyleboards/board.aspx?BoardID=299

Good luck,
try_hard
...

I found that a medium to large fire on the range keeps most people out ;-D

The kitchen in my house is where most everything is going on. My friends are worth more than anything in it. Happy to have the company and attempts at help. And, yeah, sometimes stuff gets scratched or broken. Sometimes they spill stuff on my carpet, too. Sometimes they break a glass.

I've got an ego and I like my kitchen and what I can make happen there. I also like what friends can make happen there when we're together. I'm not above correcting a nitwit (your friend with the unused cutting board) and I have no patience with drunks, but otherwise I let it flow.

If you need to be alone in your kitchen, you'll need to announce it clearly before anyone assumes -- and they will always assume. Actually, I don't have any friends like you but I would respect their admonition if my staying out was important to them.

I just shout "OUT!!" Seriously, I always tell guests that I don't let anybody help me but my daughters and that is my rule. End of story. OUT! I HATE being crowded by well-meaning aunts and sisters-in-law who drop my cutlery down the garbage disposal and put food in the trash. I am an absolute curmudgeon about it. incidentally, so was my mother - and she was right.

When we redo the kitchen I am putting in an island and making sure everybody (except my daughters - LOL) stays on the other side of it! You gotta just stand up for yourself with the happy helpers. Grrrrrr.

I just take my guests gently by the shoulders, turn them toward the living room and tell them to go get a drink and sit down. The really trustworthy ones are allowed to put my already prepared food onto serving platters.

Really the best way to get your way in anything is to say what you want firmly and decisively. With guests, let someone stir. Or dress the salad. Say "no thanks" and take away the knife if they try to cut stuff. Hand them some candies and a strange shaped dish and ask them to arrange them prettily.

If they go near the stove say "no thanks", and if necessary "please sit over here--you're in my way". Tell them where you want them and very clearly say what you want them to do. And if they absolutely must be participatory let them bring something from their own kitchens ready to serve (salads, fruit, and side dishes that don't need to be hot are best for this and least likely to ruin your menu).

Your daughter-in-law is a different story. She seems to have manners and respect for your home, so work with it. Teach her how you like to keep your kitchen. If you don't want dishes on the oven door, tell her so. Tell her some horror stories to reinforce the lesson. Tell her how you like the stove kept and what's happened to it. Teach her that wood cutting boards preserve the edge of the knife while chopping vegetables, plastic boards less so, but better for meats and anything likely to spread contaminants, and never ever cut on any hard surface, especially the counter top.

Stop inviting any guests. If you're so worried about your appliances, counters, china, knives, etc. -- having guests can't be much of a pleasure. Why not dispense with the problem at it's root.

Sharing the pleasures of the kitchen is one of life's greatest enjoyments. If you're too busy worrying about your material posessions....YOU, and probably your guests too, aren't really deriving much pleasure from being together. Why not just skip the whole evolution?

No guest that I've ever know would intentionally inflict damage. But occasionally, stuff happens (even when you do things yourself). Get over it.

I'm with you. I like company,but not someone hovering in the kitchen breaking things. My SIL has dropped my pepper shaker and broken it.Also damaged my microwave by using it (!) My MIL used to come in and "kibbitz". She didn't lend a hand. She just criticized. "That chicken is upside down", "You're not peeling those carrots right." "I don't recycle food scraps so you shouldn't put them in the compost pile" and my favorite "You should get a cleaning lady." Well, she's dead now so one irritating person has disappeared from my life. I know that sounds awful but I was a wreck any time she came over. She drove me to drink. The only time I didn't notice her criticism was the time I had three Bloody Marys while I was preparing dinner.

One thing about my current small kitchen, NO ONE comes in to help because they're too obviously in the way. For the truly clueless, I'll say "I'm a little crowded here - I'll join you in the living room in a moment" and wait for the person to leave. For the kitchen in the new house, I'm planning to put in an island/barrier that will clearly delineate Cook's Space from Guest's Space. I'm another who doesn't like help in the kitchen because I'm hyperorganized and don't need it! I'm happy to make a list of tasks for things like pouring the ice water before we sit down and uncorking the wine, but I don't want or need people to help me cook. And I can sympathize with you about the damage to your things - on the one hand, sure, they're just things and they're in a working kitchen. On the other, it's annoying to see people be so careless with your things.

I like Plllog's advice - turn the guests away, instruct the family members.

I suppose you can take the above advice and gently guide guests from your kitchen if you truly don't want them there.

However, your daughter-in-law isn't a guest, she is family. IF you do not make her feel welcome and comfortable in your home, you won't have to worry about her being there at all. Or your son, for that matter. Or grandchildren...

"Stop inviting any guests. If you're so worried about your appliances, counters, china, knives, etc. -- having guests can't be much of a pleasure. Why not dispense with the problem at it's root."

And while you're at it, get rid of the son too!

make your kitchen ugly, and constantly have a large steak knife in your hand and mumble to yourself loudly "stabbing people is bad, stabbing people is bad"

I especially loved Joboxes! Though you did forget the "Tongue in cheek smiley" on the post.

We seem to fall into two camps: The "Stay Out" folks who can't stand to be watched or helped and the "Come on in" lot who want the help.

I do fall into the "Come on in" tribe but always ask before I pick up a knife in someone else's kitchen. I'm more than happy to sit there with a glass of wine and watch others sweating over a hot stove. But if I'm asked, I help. And I know which cutting board to use.

"Stabbing people is bad, stabbing people is bad." ROFL

If guests want to work in my kitchen, I gladly provide it. In a few cases, I've put them to work even if they didn't ask! Ruined or damaged appliances/counters/etc? nothing comes to mind.

Maybe you need smarter friends & family.

If at some point you redesign your kitchen, you may be able to discourage incursions into your space with a well-placed peninsula. Put a couple of chairs on the far side and you can steer guests away from your workspace.

It's always a good idea to apprise guests of kitchen rules before they can do any damage. I like to give guests a tour of the space: "You can cut vegetables directly on the butcher block counter here, please don't cut on other counters." In your case, a short written list of kitchen rules -- preferably humorous and perhaps posted on the wall -- may be in order.

Our fully stocked beverage bar is on the OTHER side of the island from where the cooking happens. This keeps the people who are asking to help just-to-be-polite nicely occupied.

And for those who truly want to help, I love cooking with friends and family! I find that those who really want to help for the joy of it, take enough pride in what they do that they are truly helpful and not damaging.

ask them to go pick up some ice.

Set up one of those electrified dog feneces at the entrance to the kitchen and give each of your guests a collar to wear when they come to visit :-)

I just give people little things to do, and do all the rest myself. I'm a bit of a control freak and pretty assertive so my friends and family understand that sometimes it's cool to just hang out and not "help" so much.

btw, I totally totally totally understand about the MIL. Mine's still alive. . .

God, why are these people helping you so careless? I wasn't much of a cook until a year ago, but I certainly knew enough to use trivets and cutting boards and not drag heavy/sharp/hard surfaces against other surfaces--and if I wasn't sure about how to use something--I'd ask!

Stop feeding them...that should take care of the problem right quick enough ; )

Wow, I am really glad now that my new kitchen is set up the way it is. That was a happy accident! We're not moved in yet, but I will have an island with a raised bar with seats that will allow people to sit and chat with me (I really enjoy that!) while I do the prep and cooking.

I have a system for preparing meals and prefer that people just let me do my thing, but when I have guests, I love to have them in the kitchen with me while I am cooking so we can have some good wine and visit.

Whenever someone asks if they can help, I just say, "I think I have it under control," and smile, or I tell them where linens/cutlery are and ask them to set the table, or I have them check on the other guests drinks, etc. If it is someone I KNOW will be likely to cause a problem (sis who doesn't cook; tipsy, clumsy Aunt Ella), I will give a HUGE smile and say, "OH NO! You are a guest! Things are just HUMMING along right now. But THANKS!" :D

I think it is entirely possible to involve guests in the process if they want to be without them getting TOO involved - if you know what I mean. :)

A properly trained German Sheppard or Doberman can be pretty handy with a situation like this... LOL.

Actually, I think the feeling is natural when you first finish the kitchen. It should begin to fade in time. Soon you won't mind if they come over and have dinner ready for you when you get home from work as long as they've cleaned up after themselves.

It appears that there is something about a new space or a new acquisition to bring out the boor in people. I used to car-pool to work with someone; I bought a new car, and the car-pool girl decided that everything she owns must suddenly now be sat on the seats and not the floor or the trunk (in any car, I've always kept my "stuff" other than the purse or sweater, in the trunk). Among the things that needed to be stored on the seats were a big plastic bag of used soda cans one of which dribbled its sticky coke remnants over the seats. I put an end to her rubbish riding home on my seats at that point, quite firmly.

In the new kitchen, many of my friends are helpfully the unhelpful kind so much more content to come in, grab seats in the room and be served rather than take up arms and help out so that serves me right down to the ground. BTW, I'd be quite furious too to see someone chopping away on my black granite counter, let alone corian. I don't care how important friends and family may be, they still need to know basic courtesy and decent manners. And yeah, I'm a control freak too.

So, my suggestion would be to insist on the cutting board - I don't understand cutting on the counters unless it is a butcher-board in a meant for-cutting sort of installation. Do these people bypass chairs and sit on the floor too? Sorry about the cooktop, that must suck, but unfortunately, that was going to happen at some point with stainless steel. Ouch. Re the oven - no harm being aggressive about manning the oven yourself. If they've got something to put in the oven, I'd feel free to hover and do all the oven interfacing yourself. Just say that it has some idiosyncracies and that you really should interface with the oven. People do in general tend to be just as particular to want to attend to the food they brought as you would want to be with your equipment so it becomes a matter of recognizing this and then carefully defining a boundary between two egos so that neither stomps the other.

But yes, by all means, protect your investment. It may be "stuff" but many will no more consider their car to be mere "stuff" to be handed out whenever their friends come over as you would your new pricey appliances. So just find a way to define your turf in a way that accommodates their sensibilities. Same with your DIL. I agree with whoever said that she is family and you want her to be welcome so you can show her how you keep your kitchen and your house etc. in a way that tells her that she is family and that she should know about what you like and what you don't like. Whatever I may do in my house, I try to follow my friends' or my sisters' mores when I'm in theirs without feeling slighted about not operating the way I do at home.

We entertain quite often and we always have a large gathering in the kitchen. I don't want to be isolated in the kitchen and neither does DH (it's really quite rude to hide in the kitchen and force your guests to a living room far away when it's a reasonably small party). We have an island in the middle and always set up snacks on the table behind it and wine on the counter behind it (one on left and one on right) and then the "cook" whoever it might be (depending on the course) works in the work area between the island and the stove area.

If someone offers to help we normally say thanks but you're the guest, enjoy yourself! If they ask again I tell them to fill "Bob's" wine he's looking parched. No one ever invades the busy side, even the folks who we're very close to. We enjoy a lively conversation with our guests leaning on counters and watching the cook at work and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I do not have people dress my salad (I'm known for my salad and don't want it touched) but I'd be happy to show a guest how I make it. I do let them take plates to the table (we like to plate up in the kitchen) but NEVER NEVER NEVER let them clean up. This isn't about an obsessive need to watch out for my dishes, but an obsession with having a good time. Washing dishes isn't fun and we don't allow guests to do it, and we also aren't rude enough to do them while the guests are there. We pile up and pile up and pile...we like lots of courses and lots of wine in different glasses heh heh and the next day the cleaning crew comes in and washes everything.

We have a long standing policy of never allowing our guests to be alone in the living room. (Mostly because we don't trust them...heh heh KIDDING!) Mostly because we enjoy HOSTING a party, not working like slaves all alone and then feeding bodies.

So, where was this all going....you are being too much of a fussbudget if you won't allow your daughter-in-law to help, and I would worry about how that makes her feel. I'd be very uncomfortable staying in someone's home who wouldn't let me (or made me feel bad) touch the appliances. Be honest with her and tell her you're a freak about the "whatever" so please don't set the dishes on the glass etc., but do allow her to cook a bit when visiting. If I weren't allowed, and felt like I had to sneak a cup of coffee...I'd visit for a few hours at most, but never stay with you longer than that. Is that how you want her to feel?

As to the rest, be aware of what you are doing when entertaining (sending them out to the living room alone makes people feel uncomfortable and does NOT set a good tone to an evening) but do set the ground rules. Have a place conveniently close to where you are, but out of your way, and serve them some appetizers and whatever in that area to help themselves to and start relaxing and chatting :) They won't push hard to help if you do it right, and I can honestly say, that we've never offended a guest by not allowing them to do the dishes or slice vegies :) We never say "No" we just redirect them to another idea (like filling up their wine glass).

And try to let go! I haven't finished my new kitchen, but I can tell you it's a very expensive room full of wonders we've dreamed about for years! And the only way I want to use that room...is the same way we always have :) With friends and family gathered all around. And if a belt buckle nicks my granite...I'll have another glass of wine :o) It's only a rock! Our memories are priceless!

I'd be the perfect guest for you! I'm the in-law that doesn't help out much because I never seem to understand other cooks' ways of doing things and I feel underfoot.

I don't see why you can't candidly tell people that unfortunately you're a bit of a fuss-budget and, for better or for worse, you're more comfortable when you do it all yourself. That wouldn't offend me. You can then sit them down in or outside the kitchen with a cup of tea (or whatever) and chat while you cook.

Tell them about my cousin. She lives in an old (pre 1900) big farmhouse. She has her two sons and their families over every Sunday. Her kitchen has no dishwasher or garbage disposal. She does ALL the work herself. She wishes her daughters-in-law would help with the preparation, bring a dish to pass, help with clean-up and the dishes, or even grab a towel and help dry the dishes. No. Instead she does all the work herself and ends up enraged after they leave. On top of that, with all those people in her house flusing the toilet,it uses up her well water.

When we have parties, we always hire a bar tender and set up a bar outdoors. This keeps most people out of the kitchen until dinner is ready.

My other self imposed rule is this- I finish ALL cooking 1 hr before guests arrive so that i can relax and spend time with them.
When it is time for dinner, I have them sit at the dining table as I retrieve the food from the warming drawer, oven etc.
Also, guest are not expected to help clean up.

I too don't really want help in the kitchen. It's just ME--not that people aren't capable, but I like my system and I usually have a pretty good plan. I guess I'm a control freak....LOL

Now, I love to have people come into the kitchen and chat as I'm finishing up things, but the best thing I have found to keep people from helping is to have most of the things done before the guests start arriving. I'm big on pre-making, pre-cooking, etc. All of my prep is always done and I usually have several appetizers around for guests to nibble on. DH usually gets drinks and I usually do a lot of standing and talking in the kitchen.

Frankly, I'm one of those weirdos who gets *almost* as much joy out of planning and organizing and preparing for the party itself as I do the actual party. ...and there are times I think that I would make a pretty good caterer because I'd much rather be in the kitchen doing the grunt work than enjoying my guests. How weird is that? LOL It's true though--I'm naturally a loner. :)

You have to be both honest and assertive, and it helps to have a S/O who can help. I refuse to allow people to help me in the kitchen, tell them straight out "thank you, but nobody is allowed to help me in the kitchen", let them know that I know that I'm a BAD PERSON to be this way, and then I ask my partner to help distract them. I'm happy to talk and don't mind if they watch, but the kitchen is MINE. We have a small galley kitchen, so most people understand. Our friends know this about me and we can joke about what a control freak I am. BTW pharaoh makes a good point--I've gotten much better over the years at having food ready before anybody arrives, so any last-minute kitchen work is usually minimal; this also helps ME enjoy entertaining more.

Guests who are family, and especially when they're staying with you, are another problem entirely, and one I haven't had much luck with solving. When I'm preparing dinner I can play the usual ogre and keep people out but you can't guard the kitchen 24/7 so I try to let it go. I get especially frustrated when people try to "help" by emptying the dishwasher and just guess where things go.

Not quite the same problem, but my sister-in-law and her family had already arranged a visit to Washington, DC when my partner and I had just moved into a new condo on fairly short notice. They didn't stay with us but she did show up at our condo, literally the day after we had moved in, with a large raw turkey. It wouldn't even fit in our small fridge or freezer so of course we had to cook it then and there, meaning we had to rummage through all of our boxes to find cooking utensils, spices, dishes, silverware, etc. It's a bit of a family joke now and when she says she is coming to visit we will say "please don't bring a turkey" but at the time I just about threw a fit over it.

I prefer that when people are in the interior of the kitchen, they are there to help. If they are there to help, either they know what they are doing because they are accustomed to the kind of equipment I have or they are willing to take direction. If they just want to chat, they tend to remain at the non-working end of the kitchen. The layout of the kitchen contributes to this arrangement: it is a deep U with a long island. The seating for the island is mostly on the short side of the island at the opposite end of the kitchen from the main range. The refrigerator is close to the same far end, so if someone wants a drink, they can help themselves without getting in my way. I take really good care of my knives and pans, so if I see someone abusing them I gently tell them that they'd probably prefer to use them "like this," and demonstrate. I've only one time been annoyed at something someone did in my kitchen--someone hired to clean put a dent in my stainless steel refrigerator door with a broom handle. DH pointed out that kitchen appliances are for use, not show, and since nothing she did affected the function of the appliance, I should let it go. OTOH, probably many people on this forum would find fault with my kitchen as it has dings, etched marble, and unmatched stainless steel appliances, none of which particularly bother me because the kitchen functions so well.

A big thanks to everyone who responded with helpful suggestions about how to discourage guests from helping in the kitchen.

I learned a lot here. And I feel much more confident about handling these situations in the future. Ill remember the idea of giving guests specific tasks to do. Ill sit them at my kitchen island with a small job, and if they want to help with something like preparing salad, Ill hand them a knife cutting board with a reminder to be careful not to cut on the Corian. (Thanks what I should have been doing all along! :)

As for my DIL, the one who asks if she can cook or bake in the kitchen ( in the past Ive always said, "sure, go ahead" , but wishing she wouldnt....but now Ill take a minute and explain to her that she must take care with the delicate things.....no shaking frypans or no mashing potatoes on the Wolf glass cooktop (I always move the pot the the tile countertop to masht), and Ill remind her about being careful with my new oven. Shes very good, really, and Id hate to not let her do some cooking when I know she loves to do it.

As for other guests, not family or close friends, Ill just do as suggested....assert myself and say, "thanks, but no thanks".

Ill remember the tip about having some candies or something and a fancy dish that I can hand the helpers to arrange and keep them busy. Thats a great idea.

Thanks again to all of you who took the time to post. It was interesting to read your different views....and nice to know Im not the only fuss-budget.

Carly

Two-day-old garbage on the floor and a litter box in the corner. Works every time.

I get very distracted with guests in the kitchen, so I understand your concerns. I've resolved most of the problem by having almost all of the cooking, prep, and last-minute work done before the guests arrive. When they get here, I give them a glass of wine and hors d'oerves. They can sit at the island and chatter away with each other. If they offer to help, I tell them nicely, but firmly, that everything is under control and there's nothing to do. I'll stand at the island with my wine and visit with them, and occasionally turn to do some last minute thing. But then, I turn back to the guests' activities at the island, so they always feel included.

This does work. A few times, I've actually had to tell a guest that I do get confused and distracted when someone else is working in the kitchen with me. They've understood and have relaxed and enjoyed the party. I think people are well-meaning and really do want to help. Being well organized in advance of your guests' arrival and being candid about not being able to work with company in the kitchen goes a long way in solving the problem.

Other cooks get it. Good luck incorporating your new strategies before the holiday entertaining season begins in full force.

I find guests 'helping' in the kitchen a nuisance and a distraction. This has nothing to do w/me being a fuss budget or being unfriendly and it does have to do w/my own distractibility level while 'on task'. It's just the way it is.

I'm big on realistically knowing my self and honoring that knowledge .. after all, entertaining ought to be as much a pleasure for me as it is for my guests. (btw, I also don't ask people to come into the middle of a professional task I'm doing in order to be 'friendly' - boundaries).

Having said that, not all of my friends are of like mind and often are better than I am at having an audience while working (just look at the variations amongst all the nice people who have responded right here!) or perhaps think it's polite or friendly to 'help'. So, I tell them that the biggest help would be to keep any other guests company by the fire in the LR (or out by the pool - whatever) .. and give them the task of refilling drinks.

For friends who are apt to feel excluded by not being able to cook w/me - I invite them to VERY SMALL dinner parties where I prepare everything in advance.

I cook for friends a lot. I've found a little inadvertent intimidation works well for those who have good intentions but aren't terribly adept when it comes to cooking. I have good knife skills and will, on occasion, do my chopping while talking -- fast chopping and usually not watching the knife (a very big, sharp Shun chef's knife). Most people figure out that I know what I'm doing and stay clear (even without Joboxes' mutterings of "stabbing people is bad" -- lol). Having a few gadgets that only you know how to use is also good. These are the friends who I hand the corkscrew, glasses, and ask for them to pour. They are also there to reach the top shelf when I need something that's on a shelf that's higher than I am tall. They are great company while I'm prepping or cooking -- they do what they do best (entertain and/or taste) as do I (cook).

For the people that have kitchen skills, it's a different story. If they want to help out, it can be great fun. I think what makes it easier, is these are people who respect the space, the equipment, and learn to give warning when a hot or heavy pot is in hand. And they ask what to do and how I want it done. I try to do the same when at someone else's home.

Like some of the previous posters, I try to do most of the cooking before guests arrive, have a bar set up in another room and assign someone to be the bartender--that takes care of much of the problem.

My son and DIL lived with me for two years before he found his dream job--I welcomed my DIL's help when we had parties--she was quite good about that. On the other hand, in daily cooking, she liked to keep her own schedule (I'd cook a meal, she'd say she wasn't hungry, I'd clean up and an hour later she was in the kitchen, cooking. And not cleaning up. ) Bottom line is that every cook has his/her own style and limits. Blame it on our mothers, I suppose. We learned: Don't stack the good china when removing it from the table; don't put wet glasses/wet anything on wood; clean up the kitchen after every meal, including drying the dishes and putting them away; after dinner is done, no more "major" eating--a cookie and milk before bed. (I think this is one of the most important things and prevented us from being fatties--my Mom is/was a great cook and it would have been easy to overeat.) Don't chop without a cutting board; count the silver before you put it away. There--that's a pretty good list and lots of people don't know these things because they didn't have my mother!