Can I put a timer on my teenage daughter's shower?
ncamy
14 years ago
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wa8b
14 years agoMongoCT
14 years agoRelated Discussions
Can I mix wood finishes in daughter's bathroom?
Comments (1)I thought you were going to be asking about fixture and pulls (handles) finishes. I would say "yes" you can mix metals. As for a dark brown vanity and a white stack of shelves and counter, I'm not sure but maybe since you'd have the white marble top on the dark wood. People mix perimeter cabs and islands in the kitchen and it looks great. Seems like there's not much you "shouldn't" do these days. What's your first impression? Mine would be to have it match, but that's just me. It's been a real struggle to get over my matchy and symmetrical self :o Monica...See MoreI dont get along with my step daughter
Comments (27)Pennylane-- I don't want to be guilty of encouraging you to flout the advice of your counselor (who is a professional, and I of course am not), but I would encourage you to discuss with him the idea of you dealing with SD directly when it comes to the more vague issues of "attitude" and "respect". With appropriate assertiveness (not passiveness or aggressiveness) and without meting out "punishments" per se, but more of a *discussion* with her. Run it by him and see if he might reconsider his advice somewhat. I say this, again, not because I am in a position to have an "expert" opinion on blended families, but because I am a stepdaughter, and one common thread among other stepchildren I know is that the SP/SK relationship is made so much worse when it is perceived that one or more parties is being "manipulative" or is untrustworthy, and this perception results from an INDIRECT approach. Whether it's the SK or the SP doing it, it spells the beginning of the end for a decent relationship. You don't want to risk creating an impression to your SD that you are two-faced, passive-aggressive or are "hiding behind" your DH and expecting him to fix all of your interpersonal problems (including the one with SD) for you. Aside from eroding trust and encouraging similarly indirect behavior on SD's part, I dare say it also undermines the very thing you seek to improve in the situation: her respect for you. I can honestly say that the number one factor that has made me fully give up on having any sense of respect for my SM or any desire to "work with her" is exactly this sort of thing. If she had had the guts to actually TELL ME if/when something I did/said/was upset her, instead of resorting to the little digs (with a big grin) she felt were her only permitted recourse to express her displeasure with me, I would have seen her as not only a person worth respecting but also as an honest human being who I'd WANT to be close to. It was very hard for me to see her as a fully-formed ADULT WOMAN when she was constantly "tattling" to my Dad about whatever her grievances were. Moreover, in her case she drastically distorted the things she relayed to him which painted me in the worst possible light, and since these things were never discussed with ME directly, I had no chance to explain (or in certain cases just plain CORRECT) some of the misperceptions, so it was pretty much impossible to see her as trustworthy or as an agent of anything other than discord in my relationship with my father. Therefore, she never earned my genuine respect, nor my desire to "work with her" even though her tantrums to MY DAD made it so I was terrified for years to do or say anything to upset the apple cart. So she got her surface compliance out of my stuffing myself for years, but it certainly didn't improve ---and in fact severely worsened--- anything deeper between us than the shallowest "hi, how's it going"/"oh, fine..." And I dare say I don't think it helped her relationship with my Dad. For several reasons, but one of them being that expecting him to "fix" something that is so inherently vague and emotional and open to perception as "attitude" and "respect" is pretty much impossible, and no one knows this more than the bio-parent in the middle. It's one thing to have clear rules/consequences for clear actions or infractions. For example, an eye-roll is clear enough to be called out ***IF HE SEES IT HAPPEN***... But the problem comes in when/if it happens when he is not around, due to the underlying distrust and disrespect which will be made no better by the "hiding behind DH" approach. Please at least run this by your counselor. I'm not a professional, but I did experience this from the other side, and I think if you ask other adult SK's on here they'll agree with me....See MoreBoyfriend has a teenage daughter?
Comments (11)I find myself in a 'similiar' position. When I met my husband, he was upfront that he had no children, however he was with a young woman 12 years ago, 16 years now that became pregnant during their relationship. They were in a a rocky relationship. He didn't speak badly of her but just said it wasn't a good relationship and then all of a sudden came a baby. My husband was 23. The young lady was 19. He was with her through most of the pregnancy but close to the end, the relationship could not be saved. He moved out. She called when the baby was born. He went to the hospital and asked for a paternity test. (I don't begrudge him for this, he had walked in on her during the pregnancy with another man). She refused the test. She told him he was not the father. He told her when she changed her mind to contact him. He went on with his life. He called her a few times and was told by her mother they would file harrassment charges against him if he contacted them again. So he left her alone. He worked at the same school district where he had been working for the next 12 years. She never contacted him. Well I did some research (on my own) and I found the girl. I posted about this. She looks identical to my husband. I know in my heart this is his daughter. But at this point in her life, what good would it do to barge in And start using the 'I'm your daddy' phrase? He agreed she does look like him and his grandmother. But he doesn't believe she is his because he really believes her mom would have filed for child support or something. I used to worry about this all the time. What if she contacts us? What about our children? What about our future children? What about my child that is his stepdaughter? And what about my in laws? They were devastated when they found out they weren't really going to have a chance at being grandparents to this baby. As time went on, I have stopped dwelling on the what ifs. Sure this girl may show up one day but I can't waste today worrying about tomorrow. She is almost an adult at this point and who knows what she has been told. What she thinks. Where her mind is and her feelings along with emotions of not having a dad in her life. It's possible she HAS a dad in her life. She might have been raised by another man. It's just not worth dwelling over. I agree with mkroopy-- there are so many other factors that can be involved here. No one knows. My husband is an excellent father. He is an excellent stepfather. But 16 years ago, he didn't know that he could file for a court ordered paternity test. Well honestly I dont think he could. The laws have changed so much. He wasn't in a financial position to wage a custody battle against this you g woman. If it happened today, I have no doubt that he would pursue every legal avenue to make sure that he has the right to be a father to a child that might be his. But 16 years ago? I don't think he knew or had the ambition to go forth on that circumstance. He changed into a different person after that. He lived a more 'careful' life. He didn't put himself into that position again. He grew from that situation and became the man he is today. People grow. People change. Just as they can become 'bad' partners and become our ex's. They can become better people from the mistakes they make. I don't worry anymore about this child that may be my husband's. I can't worry until the day my doorbell rings. Then ... I'll be back posting about adult stepchildren that are distant and hateful :)...See MoreI dont know how to handle my step daughter anymore
Comments (8)I think your header "I don't know how to handle my stepdaughter anymore", says a lot here when one then continues to read on. --"he reckons i should forgive her and move on"-- --"he is putting me under pressure to just be there for him and support him"-- --"has been told that she needs psychiatric help which her mother refuses to believe. Two counsellors have said this but she still wont listen".-- --"it just seems like her father is burying his head in the sand "-- --"i feel like i am been pressurised by him and his ex wife to change my feelings to do things i dont want to do i cant do it anymore."-- If these parents, both mom and dad, can not and will not help this girl, how do they expect you to? Pretend it's not happening? Forgive her? Hello? You're not the one with the problem and it would seem no one but you want to make it any better for anyone and especially not the girl. If Mom won't, Dad needs to get this girl into the recommended psychiatric help problems she needs. A full mental and physical eval. This girl is on a self destruction course which may have mental and/or physical underlings and it seems mom nor dad are taking it seriously. At the rate of what's been going on this girl is half a step away from being in serious trouble, danger, or worse. I think you need to tell your DH that the only way you can help and be supportive of him is when he finds the courage to do the right thing by his daughter and that must include seeking out whatever help and in whatever way the professionals lay out to get this girl treated and hopefully turned around. Mom and dad's denial just may end up costing the two of them their daughter in a very final way. Good luck to you, but remember 'you' can't help or handle the 3 of them if they don't want to be helped. "Forgiving' the girl and her actions/behavior does no good if nothing is done to help this girl get the help and support she really needs....See Moreladycfp
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