We don't usually buy gifts for anyone but our own children. It's just too expensive these days. And if we were to buy gifts for any other family it would probably just be our parents.

I don't see the problem with no gifts, just let them know beforehand so they don't feel obligated to get you something.

Hi Jenny. Sorry the Humbug bit you already. But understandable after reading your post. We've tried different things since the family here is pretty big now.
About 20 of us counting adults and kids to buy for. For two years we tried the name drawing thing but most of us hated that. I didn't want to NOT get gifts for my own (grown) kids. I'd rather give everyone something inexpensive that one pricey gift for someone I may not "love". LOL So we went back to getting gifts for all. But some of our family members hard to buy for so now we each do up a wish list and then copies are distributed among the rest to pick from. Not the fun of surprising people with something this way, but also means everyone gets something they really want or need and no returns or money wasted. I love to make things or get things made by someone. However nobody but me does any crafting, and no one wants it but me. LOL. Guess I give myself a lot of gifts this way.
Hope someone has a solution to help you get back in the spirit soon.
hugs, Karen

Who knows, maybe they would be just as relieved to no longer have to buy gifts too! Can't hurt to make the suggestion to either draw names or not do gifts at all for the adults.

I know that MIL's can often be a problem--but each time you interact with her, you need to keep in mind that she raised the wonderful man you now love. I think that will help you to just smile and stay polite. And remember, your DH can't change her--so don't make him miserable by fussing at him about her.

I say this from almost 42 years of marriage, and now being a Mother In Law! And just so you know--I often remind myself that my DIL is the woman my son loves and even more important--she is the mother of my GRANDCHILD! That sure keeps things in perspective! LOL

Besides who "believes" in Santa Claus--better to believe in the Savior and the love HE brought into the world, don't you think?

Good luck, best wishes, and happy holidays,
Luvs

We draw names for the adults, but buy for all the younger kids. I may be the only person in the world who gets along great with her inlaws. ha My DM and one of my SIL's clash, they both try, but it always ends in disaster. Maybe when you buy for yours try not to invest so much time and emotion into it and then it won't hurt your feelings too much if it's not appreciated (which it sounds like it won't be). And Merry Christmas to you!! ha ~Anj

Thanks, all for your thoughts!

JSU: I wish I could be brave enough to go with your "policy".

Karen: The wish list might seem practical, but is it a harbinger of the Christmas season to hand someone a list of Gimme This, This, Or This?

Luvs: I tried the "let's not do gifts anymore, 'cept fot the kids" and was shot down in the subtlest of ways on my husbands' side of the family. My side of the family does the drawing from the hat on T-giving which my husband and I have opted out of with everyone's blessing. (My MIL and I get along because I jump through the hoops like everyone else so they are not snubbed, or worse. She did not talk to her own mother for over ten years until her mother was dying in the hospital. She also did the same thing to her sister some years before that. So I step on eggshells and keep my mouth shut in order to keep her happy. I am not like this with any other person in my life; I do it so my children will not be cut off from her. It is good we do not see each other too often even though we only live 45 minutes away from one another. That my husband turned out the way he did is nothing short of a miracle.)

AnjaB: You know what? The reason I put so much thought into MIL's present is that she equates the magnificence of a gift into how much you care for her. And from the above reply you know that I play the game to keep the peace. Yes, it is a sick little game I am participating in unwillingly. On Christmas! My suggestion to eliminate presents for her Love Barometer is (was) like asking Bob Barker to quit the fun and games and start up a religious show. Yes, I'm in that deep.

Jenny

Jenny, sure don't envy you having that MIL. You do a good job keeping the peace and thinking of your children. Way to go!
On our family doing these "wish lists", its really just that. Things you WISH for. No one has to buy off the list if they want to get something else. But honestly, it's kind of nice knowing they'll be happy with their gift when you already know it's something they really want. It takes the pressure off me on some of them that are very hard to buy for. And often a little surprise or two is included which makes it a bit special. All of us get together Xmas Eve and open our gifts and have a big buffet.
We eat too much, laugh a lot, and enjoy the spirit of the season and family. Then Christmas morning, each of my grown kids has that time with their own family...while I get to sleep late. LOL. Often we get together again for brunch or dinner on Christmas Day.
I have a fantastic mother-in-law that I dearly love, but she lives in FL and is in her late 80s. I wish she lived here instead. And I'm truly blessed to have the world's most wonderful daughter-in-law, living less than a mile from me to boot.
I hope things get less stressful for your Christmas somehow.
Hugs, Karen

Karen: Thank you for the kind reply. My side of the family and my husbands' really extended family sounds like yours at Christmas: getting together and enjoying one another's company. I am blessed to have loving relatives that live so close by. Your DIL sounds like a treasure! How lucky for you that you enjoy life with your MIL when you can.

I am determined to have a good as it can be Christmas with everyone, even my MIL, every year: it is just that putting on a front of everything's fine goes against everything I'm about. I am usually very blunt and direct about things. Setting the mask example for my kids is not good, because they are getting older (my oldest is a very perceptive 11) and they know how direct I usually am. Maybe it is good, since they learn by example on how to respect elders and keep the peace.

Wow . this is a thought provoking post. Last year my sisters and I agreed not to do presents for each other or their families( children grown) . I found this extremely hard so at Thanksgiving I bought them both a unique candle under $5 and sent that as a Thanksgiving gift along with a special family photo....I felt better and there wasn't that have to feeling from them.
This statement stood out to me Jenny "You know what? The reason I put so much thought into MIL's present is that she equates the magnificence of a gift into how much you care for her" and two thoughts come to mind. 1 If you feed into this you become part of the problem rather than the solution and you will continue to dread Christmas and
2 Let it trickle down to MIL that your DH will do the shopping for her this year and put that responsibility on him.
Most of all if you hear any comments about gifts remind folks its the Birth of Jesus and thats what makes the holiday important. Kareen

Gosh, Jenny, I can see why this situation makes you unhappy. I would imagine that you have discussed this with your DH and he has asked you to just "go along with it and keep peace in the family."

This situation really is your DH's responsibility to resolve IMHO since it's his mother. I think Karen's suggestion of putting the responsibility on him to choose her gift is an excellent one. She's not as apt to complain about something her darling son has done.

I only see a couple of options that might help.

Perhaps a set limit on the cost of the gifts--that way everyone gets something of the same value, so no pressure to "outdo" someone else. That way MIL would not expect anyone's gift to be better than another's.

Or start buying joint gifts for both MIL and FIL. Nice basket full of movie night items, or gift certificate for dinner out, or concert/play tickets, etc. Less pressure to find just the "perfect" thing to please HER.

Or perhaps talk to DH about no longer doing the "whole family" Christmas thing. You could just start special, meaningful traditions for your kids and DH. You could still do something like drop off a basket of fruit, a plant, a special wine, or whatever a few days before Christmas and allow the kids to visit with the grandparents.

If you really feel strongly that she is a bad influence, role model or a danger for your kids, then your DH needs to be made aware of that, and the kids need to be protected--even if it means severing the relationship.

With all that said, it could also be that you just have not found a way to "relate" to her or that you resent the way her personality dominates you and everyone else. There can be lots of family dynamics going on, and reasons people behave the way they do. Not knowing all those factors makes it really hard for any of us to help.

It is the season of miracles, and it can often be helpful if you pray for your "enemies". Ask that your heart be softened towards her, that you be given guidance to "keep the peace" and make the holiday a pleasant one for everyone.

And if all else fails--just paste on that smile, straighten your shoulders and spend the minimum amount of time you can around her. Try to enjoy the other members of the family and especially your own DH and kids.

Best wishes and good luck.

Luvs

I got along well with my MIL. Having said that, there came a time when I was, frankly, sick & tired of having to make all the decisions re: gifts. And that may have been a reflection of other problems, I don't know. BUT, the year I told hubby "this year YOU will pick out your mom's gift" was the year I felt ...mmm, maybe reprieved is the word. And I stuck to my guns each year. I still did the kids, grands, my family, etc. Just that one change helped me.

I agree with the others....let your DH pick out his mom/dad (if applicable) gift if you can't drop it altogether. You are well aware MIL has her priorities screwed up....sounds like she's playing the 'give me give me' game & milking it big time. IMO, she has a lot bigger problem than you do! The movie night or fruit basket or a similiar gift is a great idea.

One year I gave my mom a gift cert to Hobby Lobby (she was doing a lot of crocheting then) & my dad one to Sears (I didn't know what tools he wanted!) They LOVED it!!

I hope some of our small suggestions help. We all know we can't solve the problem tho we wish we could :-)

Lots of good suggestions coming I think. Especially the let your DH pick her gift. By the way, Jenny, I think you are setting a good example to your kids about respecting their elders (even if the elders are wrong, LOL). But it sounds like you have a lot of great family to celebrate with, so hopefully you can concentrate more on that part than the other. So what if there's a Grinch in the woodpile, just another part of Christmas I figure. LOL.
I've found truly, that if you can find something to laugh about in a bad situation, it changes the whole tone of it.
I use to get bummed at "people" stressing me with one thing or another, then finally realized it was ME stressing me.

Take a deep breath and have fun here with us the next few months, we'll get you over the Humbug I bet.
hugs, Karen

Thanks, gang.

I'm with Jayokie and her gift card comment, not just for mothers in law but for them all -- I find in our family I have a couple of members that I could buy 20 gifts for just off the top of my head and they'd love them all. Others I bust my butt trying to figure out something they'll like, when they open it, they go "Oh that's kinda cute" and put it down...why bother. Gift cards may be impersonal but if it takes the stress and fuss and driving everywhere in search of something perfect, why the heck not.
Get 'em a gift card and stop off and get yourself a nice bottle of wine - go home, put your feet up and enjoy a glass and toast the relatives....lol!
SJ

sjarz: I love that suggestion - it would start a new tradition and get me out of the game. I will wear my black sheep mantle with pride.

I think we need Dr Phil here! LOL
Kareen, good to hear from you! Where have you been?

Hey, Kathleen, you got that backwards! Dr Phil needs US.
We could take a load off him for sure. LOL LOL

hugs, Karen

I agree, let's stop feeding the beast! The merchants have made our best holiday into an orgy of spending and gift giving and it clouds everything. I want to enjoy Christmas the way I used to, not go into Credit card debt and kill myself buying people things they usually don't want anyway. I would SO much rather spend the time having fun with family, cooking fun stuff, doing some charitable deeds and just relaxing. Oh - and by the way, celebrating the birth of Christ. When did it stop being something to look foreward to? We have to grab hold of this and turn it around.

Scarlett: Amen to that! But we all need to keep up our end of the bargain by not shopping. As much. Hopefully, I can turn the tables with my kids and they can be the generation to see Christmas as a simpler, reflective celebration.

I'm all for fun, however: one of my favorite traditions is cutting down a Christmas tree. We take the drive to the southern end of the county, roam through the fields, find the tree, we all take turns with the saw, and get it on the car. Then we stop at a restaurant on the way home(HUGE treat for all of us). And we park the tree outside a window so we can admire it. But the fun doesn't stop there, because at 2 the Big Man with the Red Suit makes his appearance. He takes his time writing down three things that the kids are wishing for (yes, this Santa limits! He gets it!). We get the tree in and decorate 'til we feel like stopping and maybe watch a movie or make a light dinner together or play a game or do a craft. It is one of the best days of the year to me since it's marked there on the calendar and we do it together. And my oldest is 11, so I know the time's coming when things'll get really crazy busy and/or he might get dragged along. It's not fancy, it's not exotic, it doesn't cost a bundle, but it's worth a million-bazillion to me in mom-currency.

Jenny, that sounds like so much fun! Can I come along??