Linda, Maybe you missed what Debby wrote in one of my posts...I'll paste it below... (she wrote it last week)
Firstly Mimi how are you today? (i've been reading but not posting, had a very,very, small stroke last week, but don't worry about me, i'm fine except for 2 fingers not moving!). how is your back? Aren't relatives fun, but again i agree with PB, if you remember when Al was supposed to go into long term care (just at the bottom of the street from us), i decided no i can't do this, and HIS relatives said oh Debbie we'll be there for you all the time, don't worry about a thing, it seems with this family if you are not in the hospital and speak like you always do everything is just fine! last time i saw Al's mother was about the 18th of july, his sister the same day and the other sister from out of town the same day for 20 minutes. i have heard excuses of oh i have sprained this that and other thing, i have mono and everyother sickness you can think of just so they don't have to come over and God forbid give me a break! on the other hand i just don't know how a mother (Al's) can be like that to child, i know i'd be there wanted or not. when Al's sister and mother come over for those few minutes they act like they have been along this road all the time when they leave we refer to them as the "Hero's". as many of you know i always go with my heart, and from experience promises are always broken. Mimi, my dear,dear friend i wouldn't want to be you right now, what with you being ill yourself and trying to do the right thing, but i would probably not change the moving date or anything. debbie
OMG, Mimi!! Yes, I did miss that post, as I go on here so infrequently....I'll email my cousin in ThunderBay and ask if she's seen her, or Debbie's friend, Cheryl and try to find out how she is....What next for her?!
Thank you, Mimi....I would never have known.. Blessings Linda
I've been wondering how she's doing too. with all those headaches, and now a small stroke, it can get a little scary. She has such a load on her shoulders. Frog
Ohhhhh everyone you are the best!!! Linda, i did e-mail you one lonnngggg letter, but it came back as blocked!! i did talk to Sandra and she is fine, she thinks it's something with e-mails from here, (our phone company is one of the only city owned left in canada, we have dial up and can you believe that while i was on the computer our phone started ringing!!). i am doing fine, lost movement in 2 fingers but they are slowing coming back, and don't get me started with the migranes, it's the change of the season for me and my head is killing me, and the magic pills aren't working. on a sad note here, our ds matthew has decided to move out of the house, why you ask, it's because he says i am crazy! he feels that he should not have to contribute to our household, he also feels that he should not have to pay room and board and that i should have to drive him to work and pick him up and not contribute to pay for gas to get him there and back! i calmly told him that i don't want him sad and that perhaps he should probably move, so when i refused to drive him to work he slammed the door and went to work on the bus! he has come home 3 times to pick his stuff up but after today he will be told to phone before he comes, he is not talking to Al or myself or his sister or even the dog! things are very stressful here and i know it has affected Al alot and i'm just waiting to have to call 911. i truly love matthew to death but in the past while i have realized he is a taker lately maybe it's his girlfriend (Italian family and is spoiled) sje satarted working full time in the spring and her parent bought her a brand new car 2 weeks ago. matthew doesn't realize that our family doesn't work like that, and i believe that he is a very bitter young man right now. even if we didn;t spend about 700.00 per month on Al's meds things would not change. i know this moving out thing has affected Al alot he was up all last night and today only a 20 minute nap. i told Al Matthew doesn't realize how good he had it here, i guess what he is going through right now will be tough love and i do wish him the best and do hope he enjoys paying someelse room and board (he is not telling us where he is staying (he better not be living with his girlfriend, i think that would just break our hearts). we are just so sad right now Al more than me, i think where ever he is that he will be home in a month, but if he moves out again that will be it and we will have written rules. anyways that's been my weekend along with fantastic weather - about 78 today and still so hot out! and of course 2 yard sales and planning my new craft room -- too bad the way i got it! and reading a Tamar Myers mystery! take care and thanks for thinking about me! debbie
Oh, Debbie, I'm so sorry about Matthew. It's not a nice way for one of our kids to leave (our Matthew did the same, only at age 15, lived on the streets, did drugs, never home to live since, but that's another story), but in your son's case it's probably about growing up and growing out. Yes, he's probably seeing how "the other half lives" and is resentful of his share of the universal pie, but it will pass, I promise. The best thing you and Al can do now is not escalate this: keep calm, let him know he's welcome back under your rules of your home, that this doesn't mean he's not loved, and that this is probably the best thing for him right now; he has to know what it's like "out there". Our DD moved out with a friend (on very good terms with us), and found out that the toilet paper doesn't appear by itself, that things need to be cleaned, and that even a best friend is impossible to live with. LOL! She came back home and bought her own home within a few months.
Let Matthew learn a few hard lessons, but do it with love and just release him....he'll begin to understand what you and Al have provided him with all those years. I agree, I hope he didn't move in with his girlfriend (does she have her own apt?), but even if he did, she'll have her own rules about paying for things and splitting for groceries, etc...it won't be "playing house" like he imagined it would be. Release him with love....both for you and Al's sake. Our children have to leave at some point in time, and that takes a variety of methods...this is just one of them. When and if he decides to return, accept him with open arms, but within your limits and guidelines. The biggest mistake you can make now is to escalate this by anger....
Honest, Debbie. I've seen this work, and I've seen it disintegrate and the difference has been whether things were done with love or whether they were allowed to fester with anger. Of course you're both hurt after what you've provided for him...kids have a way of kicking us in the heart. They can be so selfish and turn on us when we least expect it and hit us in our most vulnerable parts. But he's running on his own ego now, and there's nothing to be done about it until he realizes what he's gotten himself into. OR, he'll do fine, find and apartment for himself, and grow up. Keep "your door open"...just don't escalate him out of your lives. I would wait a while before turning his room into a craft room...lol...who knows with kids?!
As for you, young lady, what's your doc doing about those migranes and your stroke?! Are you on any meds for your stroke? What did he do for that? I've got Sandra asking around about you, I guess she'll ask Cheryl....she said she saw you on Friday at the store....thank goodness she told me that, I'd be worried sick not hearing from you! So...what's the doc doing? Did he put you on daily Aspirin at least? Huh?
On a lighter note, what do you think of our "delivery system" for your painting magazines in exchange for the fabrics I want to send you? My cousin's hockey bus, coming here for our hockey tournament can get the mags here, and bring the fabrics back to you, as they're heading here on Nov 2nd! Yep...three hockey dads and their sons in the downstairs guest room (it's huge: two double beds, one inflatable queen, their own rec-room, bathroom, hot tub, lol!!), AND Sandra is coming too, and will stay on the main floor in HER guest room (Mom's former bedroom)! That'll be a blast!! I hope my VitaminB12 kicks in by then for my newly diagnosed pernicious anemia! LOL!! Sure expains a lot about how tired I've been the past few months! hahaha!! Soooo....good news, eh? No postage!! ;-D
Well, Girls, I'd better get moving this morning and do something constructive. With that stupid colonoscopy on Friday and company Saturday evening, and me feeling sorry for myself and pouting Sunday, lol, it's been quite a few days since I've visited her (not that time means anything to her anymore, poor wee thing). This coming Saturday, I've got Mom's former care-worker and her family coming for dinner, and would you believe, I didn't realize it was Thanksgiving weekend already?!!!! OMG...well...it's just Ernie and I and our Lindsay on Sunday...a nice relaxing day for us *at least after the gobbler's in the oven!
Have a wonderful day, everyone!! BIG HUGS, Debbie!! ps...I don't know why your email was bounced back to you...I do receive Sandra's from your same server...try again, or use my Glitter_53@yahoo.com. But our home one should work....
Hi Debbie, How old is Matthew? I think boys do go through phases. I truly believed my son hated me from the time he was 13 until about 20 - I'm not kidding....it didn't matter what I said to him, I'd get that "what the heck are you talking about?" look. At first, I was terribly hurt and after a while, I told myself it was hormones. He was also a wrestler and always starving himself to make weight, so that didn't help his moods. In any case, one day, he just started calling me asking me for advice! Me! the one he thought was the dumbest thing in the world for the past 7 years...guess I suddenly got smart or he did. In any case, Deb, sometimes they just need to prove something to themselves; they need their independence and maybe he just doesn't know how to tell you that. Whatever it is, I hope things work out for the best and I hope Al doesn't make himself sick over it, or you...you certainly have enough to deal with...which brings me to how on earth do you find time to plan two yard sales? You are unbelievable!!!
Today, i've actually been out of bed for an hour! im learning to take things in slow motion and if they don't get done that's too bad! -- that's hard for me. i've had this migrane for days and have literally slept on an ice blanket. Matthew is 22 years old, i know old enough to live on his own only i just hate the way it was done, and according to him, i am the bad one--but then again they have to blame someone don't they? i thtankfully go to see the doctor on thursday afternoon, but i think if i would have known he was into "natural" healing i don't think i would have kept him, but 35,000 people don't have doctor's here so i'm stuck. Linda, the "postal service" that you have is wonderful! Oh, Mimi, i guess i didn't put my commas in the right place, i went to 2 yard sales, i got dd a square box foot stool that the top flips up, we'll re-cover it and a corning pot--broke mine 2 weeks ago. well i have to go pick up more prescriptions have a great day! debbie
Well the prescriptions were 3 of the most expensive ones, wouldn't you know it! It's been a rainy day and we might get snow tonite (none so far). Well, something else bad happened, not to any of us, but Al's sister e-mailed him to let him know that his mother is in the hospital, apparently high blood pressure and a very slow heart beat, if they can get the bp down she'll get a pace maker tomorrow right now she's in icu. i have said aprayer for her,even though she has been nasty, but other than that i literally have no feeling of sadness, i feel so bad for Al, but other than that and you will probably not like me anymore but i really don't care! (i have sat through all of Al's operations all by myself with no one to hold my hand). i feel like a BOB (bitter old broad) when it comes to her. i do hope that this operation makes her well,however. the other sad thing is that DD didn't care one way or another, and i got mad at her and said but she is your only grandparent you have. do you think that this is selfish of me or that i am a bad person? i felt sadder for the people in La, and Texas than i do her.
Hi Debbie, How can you have any feelings at all towards your MIL? All the years that you have agonized watching your DH struggle and where was his mother? I know we should all be forgiving, but honestly I would feel the same as you and your DD. I don't think you can expect your DD to feel any different than you do...she's experienced the same as you. I hope that Al isn't too upset. If I were you, I would concentrate on being there for AL and try to support whatever feelings he has. AND REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOU DEBBIE...I hope you are feeling better, Mimi
Amen to Mimi's message. The old "what goes around, comes around" has to hold true in this instance. You need to support Al's concern about his mom, but not add your MIL's health to your list of worries. And your poor DD..it sounds as though it has been many years since she was close to her Grandmother, by your MIL's choice. I'd be conflicted about how to react to her illness! Keep taking care of you and yours, its enough on your plate as it is! SLCSue
Debbie, my MIL was one of the nastiest people I had ever met: smile to your face, but holding a knife behind her back. She played her three daughters-in-law against each other, to the point where I decided I didn't want to play anymore and never saw her again. When I was pregnant, she sent a sympathy card!!!! And kept calling at all hours of the night until my DD said call once more, Mother, and you'll never see us again. The phone rang, he said: Good-bye Mother, and hung up. She never did meet her grandson before she died. How do I feel? Like SLCSue said: What goes around, comes around...the negativity your MIL put out, her disregard for her own son's pain and agony is coming back to her. Sweetie....been there done that....some people are just self-centred and evil.
As for Carley, please don't make her feel guilty for the very feelings you have, too. She's seen it all and understands the situation....don't be hard on her....she loves her Dad and wants his happiness as much as you do. She lost any semblance of a grandmother a long time ago. Please let her know you understand her emotions and don't judge them...they are what they are.
Everyone thank you for your advice! i know in my heart that what you all said was in my heart all along, but i guess that i just wanted someone else to say it. i think i'm a nice person -- I am aren't i Linda? , but this drama from my sil is just too much (Linda do you think she'll take that 8 weeks off work that's on the commericals). Al was up all night and this am when his sister called to say that they can't get her bp down so they might try later on today for the pace maker if they can get it down so they gave her breakfast then she has to fast. when Al told her i had a very,very mild stroke and that i wouldn't be lugging a wheelchair in and out of the car, she got angry and said she'll call him later today and let him know what is going on. with that she hung up. i don't need this right now, i'm more worried about our run away son. first time i've been thankful that it's pouring out right now so there is no way in h---- that Al should be going out. Well on that note, i'm going to plunk myself in the living room and read for awhile. debbie
I have always preached that if you would not tolerate such behavior from a neighbor in the next block, there is no reason that you should tolerate it from a relative. No matter what the kinship is. It's a matter of personal dignity. You have your own problems that are just as important TO YOU as their's are to them. If they can't accept that....well, it's too bad. You can't make them into nice understanding people, no matter how hard you try.
Debs, we've met and I think you're a lovely person!!! I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I think what you see is what you get with you....you're open and sincere....not a hateful bone in your body. ;-D
Now. With that, I don't expect an iota of guilt on your part about not racing to your MIL's side. Her Karma has come back to haunt her...she made her bed, now she's laying in it! If your SIL questions you about it, just lay all your cards on the table, and tell her that what was good enough for YOU when Al needed them, is good enough for your MIL!! Hold tight to that, Sweets and don't budge an inch!
I hope my cousin Sandra and Cheryl are there for you...Sandra wrote that she wishes she could do something more than just listen and be there for you, and I wish I could be there, too....Talk to them...they're there for you, okay?
As for the fabric, yes...I'm still sending some to you even tho' you told Sandra you didn't need it...phhhhtt!! I'm sure you'll find some use for it!
Regarding Matthew, Debbie....our kids have to pull away one way or another..unfortunately our two sons chose to do it this way...so be it. Yes, it hurts, but he could come to his senses one day, so be prepared. If he decides to move back, it'll be on your terms. If he settles down in his own apt, then he'll be fine...he's working, so he can afford it. He has to find out the toilet paper doesn't appear on its own. And if his girlfriend is a major influence, they'll probably break up and she'll leave him in the mess he created for himself. If they stick it out, then fine. They'll deserve each other. Sad to say, but it happens. However!!! Time can heal anything, so please don't be so upset that it disrupts your home: Al and Carley need you, so do as we Moms always do...suck it in again, and go on.
Ah, ain't it fun? Now you know why I tell our daughter to stick to puppies and kittens! LOL!! Much less trouble and they never talk back! haha!!
Wow i was going to update my drama! and reading these posts here, it sure is one!! atleast i can laugh, ok here's the update, matthew is still not home, he is living with the girlfriends parents and grandma -- ok, so i know he's not on the streets -- but it's so cold here, it wouldn't happen. he did come by on Thanksgiving day(ours was last week) to pick up more stuff, he is not talking to me, but told Al he was offered Assistant Manager of the store he works at and he did apply for a desk job at the Natural Gas company(heat for homes), he is probably writing his test now it pays 19.20 and hour to start! So this is good, his girlfriend is not mad at me, and has decided to stay out of this battle, which i do respect her for! Al has been ill on and off all weekend, his fav. uncle passed away on saturday, prayers tonite and funeral tomorrow. Al's mother had her pace maker put in and is home, and when i grow up i want to be just like her daughter, what a hero! according to my mil. but, sad to say i am not, gee who do i care for 24/7 but that is different. our dd has been away alot from school, migranes (yes her too), colds, flu you name it, but is caught up on everything and at meet the teachers night, i found out she is maintaing her 94% average. it's freezing here today - 38 and dark, so if you can get some sunshine! debbie
You sound better, thank heavens. Everything in its time, Sweetie! Your Carley is a gem....and she'll be so close to where WE live next year! haha!!! Oh, gosh, you'll miss her, though....
Not much new around here....trying to get back on my feet with this recently diagnosed Pernicious Anemia...getting B12 shots each week...just feel so weak and yucky.
Hope you can get that "stuff" to Sandra once you're up and pacing again...they leave ThunderBay on the 2nd of November and she and 3 14 year old hockey players and their dads will be staying here for the few days of the tournamemt! LOL!! The kids have a curfew, but WE DON'T!!!! What a house-full that'll be! Can't wait!!
Hope you're not too worried about Matthew. Okay..worry, yes, obsess, no. He'll be fine, and if his girlfriend continues to display such dignity, perhaps she understands more than you think she does, and can pound some sense into him. Or her family can. May not make an immediate difference, but parents understand each other...or they should!
Anyway...good to hear from you again!!! I'm gathering some fabrics for you to use for your sewing projects...I'll never get to them all! ;-D
mimi427
Glitter53Original Author
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