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notverygreenthumb

A Tale of the Very Inexperienced Gardener and the Big Beef Prince

notverygreenthumb
16 years ago

Once upon a time there was a Very Inexperienced Gardener who longed for a garden of her own, but for 10 years she only lived in very small and dark apartments. Then she moved to a place where there was some light and some space, and she was so happy that she lost her head. Without even consulting the Book of Google, she ran out to Home Depot, and once there she fell under the Low Price Spell, and did not think very much at all any more.

She stopped by a Sale Rack, and said to herself, "I wish I had a plant that would grow a big, beefy, sort of tomato... Why, look, there is a variety called Big Beef! My wish has come true! Hm, it says 'indeterminate.' Well, whatever that means, it can't possibly matter!" And she skipped away merrily with the Big Beef plant, and because she had only ever seen tomatoes grown in little hanging baskets, she bought a pot and a tomato cage of about that size, for she meant to have a plant about that size, and she did not worry her head about the logic of this at all.

The Very Inexperienced Gardener was very happy with the Big Beef tomato plant, for the more she watered it, the taller it got, and the taller it got the more she fed it, and the more she fed it, the faster it grew, and the faster it grew the more she watered it. And it was a very prince among tomato plants, for it flowered profusely and set fruit as fast as it flowered. Till six weeks had gone by, and the Inexperienced Gardener noticed that the Big Beef Prince was getting taller at the rate of an inch a day, and wilting every hot afternoon despite however much he was watered.

At this point, the Very Inexperienced Gardener consulted the Book of Google, out of which some voices spoke, saying, "This is a nice-flavored tomato, but 12 feet is too big." Other voices said that the Big Beef tomato was not royal at all, being inferior to Brandywine, but she did not heed them.

The Very Inexperienced Gardener regretted her foolishness and she ran back to a garden center for a 20" pot and a lot of soil. When she dragged the Big Beef Prince out of the pot, it was seen by all the bystanders that his root ball was 90% roots. She grieved her foolishness yet more, but potted him up. And the Big Beef Prince, to show his good nature, dropped not a single leaf, nor a single flower, nor a single tomato. In fact, the day after repotting, he got another inch taller and set a couple more fruit. But he went on wilting a bit occasionally, for as the Book of Google tells one, a potbound condition is not instantly recovered from.

But the Very Inexperienced Gardener was getting worried, because the Prince was now in the biggest pot she had room for, and she had no idea how long he'd live happily there. So she went to a place called the GardenWeb Tomatoes Forum, where the wise gardeners hung out, and asked her question:

O Gardeners---will I get my tomatoes this summer? or will the Big Beef Prince die of thirst first?

And the wise gardeners said....

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