Tofu Turkey!!!!!!!
Soy sauce GAG browning on a tofu shaped GAG fake turkey, why bother!
ThatÂs worse than my father-in-lawÂs smoked turkey.
He has or had no idea that you need to cure meat before you smoke it to keep from getting sick, but then his idea of smoking turkey isnÂt really smoking anyway.

The poor beast comes out of the smoker looking like some carcass left over from the MT Vesuvius eruption and tasted like slag from a Pittsburg steel foundry.
The dogs wouldnÂt eat the thing.
And worse yet it went on year after year.
You could grind the thing up and use it to make gunpowder.

My mother-in-lawÂs turkey was so dry that FEMA used it to soak up the floodwaters of the Mississippi river a few years ago.

A few years ago my wife and I invited said mother-in-law down to Austin for Thanksgiving dinner and her little sister and husband were to come also, "they lived in Austin at the time.
Dinner was to be at 12 sharp and we had to wait for the jerk brother-in law to get trough primping and fixing his hair and they were three hours late.

I HATE LATE

I had a cat that loved any kind of bird and he tried to fly through the air and grab the whole turkey on the way by, in doing so he got his teeth hung up in the beast and did a flip that darn near broke his neck, we must have laughed for an hour.

My wife makes the best turkey in the world, "we will celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow this year as I will be in Alaska on Thursday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Worth

"You could grind the thing up and use it to make gunpowder."

worth, your humor is priceless. And I hate late too. :-)

barb

Hey! I resemble that remark! I make a mean smoked turkey breast (though not for Thanksgiving) and it is not cured b4 smoking. I do use a thermometer though to check the temperature.

Oh, and I hate late too. I've been late most of my life and just hate it. I'm doing a lot better since retirement though...not near as much to be late for I guess. I blame it on AADD, which I suspect I have.

Sue

Many years ago a woman I know prepared a ham and a turkey for her very large family for Thanksgiving. When she went to the family room to retrieve her guests she got caught up for a few minutes in a football game on t.v. When everyone finally arrived to the dining room they found one of her two dogs munching on the turkey, the other on the ham. Luckily, she has a great sense of humor and luckily, the neighborhood pizza place was open and delivering!

Worth, I was wondering if you would be home for Thanksgiving. I hope you and Nancy have a happy one tomorrow!

The only semi-debacle that I can remember that involved me personally was many years ago in a galaxy far away when I was in grad school and because of experiemnts running at the time I couldn't drive the 3 hours home to the Albany area from Rochester for family T Day dinner.

So it was the first T Day dinner I'd cooked all by myself and I'd invited several foreign grad students to join me.

The problem arose when I wanted to make the fresh cranberry orange relish that I always made at home. Had the cranberries, had the oranges, but at the last momemt remembered I didn't have that grinder that we clamped on the table edge for me to grind the cranberries and oranges through.

Anyone here ever take a sharp paring knife and quarter two one lb bags of cranberries, berry, by berry, by berry? LOL

Carolyn, yes, the Ocean Spray bags used to be one pound. What are they now, maybe 12-14 oz? LOL

Sue,
So as not to insult my favorite Indiana gal let me explain.
I am a purist when I speak of smoking meat.
Actual smoking is some times done with the smoking temperatures below 130 degrees some times at 100 degrees, for as long as 24 hours or more and with the smoke barely perceptible for the first day or more.
Thus the curing process, so as not to let any bacteria grow during these critical hours of smoking before the heat is turned up to actually cook the meat.

None of us want to eat meat that is not cured setting at that low of a temperature for that long, as I know you donÂt and am sure you do make a killer smoked turkey breast.
(Pardon the pun)

I surly do ask for a big old southern pardon from any folks I may have insulted on the subject.

Carolyn,
I too have noticed the slow whittling away at the amount of stuff they put in bags nowadays.
I have an old hand crank food/meat chopper that is close to a hundred years old that we still use for making relish and such.

Worth

You lot are hilarious...cheered me up immensely. Alas we don't have thanksgiving day over here so will have to wait til xmas for the turkey.
Now a smoking question please....We chopped out an old rosemary bush that was huge. Son got me to put aside and dry the wood for his smoker. Even now a month later just walking past the wood I can smell the strong rosemary smell.
Is he on a fools errand trying to use this wood for smoking?
I feel that the oils in the wood will taint any meat.
Am I right?
Glenn

"I feel that the oils in the wood will taint any meat."

Let's hope so. That's what your son is striving for. The purpose of smoking is to "taint" the meat.

Jim

Rosemary is VERY strong. I wouldn't use it for smoking food. A little goes a long way.

This wasn't Thanksgiving dinner, but thanksgiving breakfast. I've always been commissioned to do breakfast on Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. 2 years ago, I fixed biscuits and gravy, and burned the gravy. Last year, I burned the biscuits. This year they get Post Toasties?

Glenn, others will argue the point, but, I would not use the rosemary alone to smoke meat. The volatile oils in some Rosemary can impart a strong smoky pine flavor to meat that is properly (a la Worth) smoked. If you use a warm smoke technique, a few sprigs placed in the last 1/2 hour or so, will give you all of the roemary you are gonna want.

By the way, I had the pleasure of running into an improperly smoked turkey, and an improperly brined smoked chicken, it is a BAD BAD thing. BAAADDDD!!!

Carolyn, yes, I can understand, I hate cooking away from my kitchen.

Tofurkey, it is just wrong. I love tofu, I love turkey, but, they should not cross that fence.

Bob

"I feel that the oils in the wood will taint any meat."

Let's hope so. That's what your son is striving for. The purpose of smoking is to "taint" the meat.

Jim

British Dictionary...
taint
v. tr.

1. To affect with or as if with a disease.
2. To affect with decay or putrefaction; spoil. See Synonyms at contaminate.
3. To corrupt morally.
4. To affect with a tinge of something reprehensible.

v. intr.

To become affected with decay or putrefaction; spoil.

n.

1. A moral defect considered as a stain or spot. See Synonyms at stain.
2. An infecting touch, influence, or tinge.

No Jim...I don't think the purpose is to "taint" the meat....well not according to the dictionary anyway..
Regards Glenn

Every year my wife and I go to her sisters for thanksgiving. Every year is a carbon copy of the year prior. The 20 lb. bird is taken out of the freezer the night before so it is still solid as a rock. When she puts it in the oven at 9 am thanksgiving day and we are supposed to eat at noon the outcome is obviously as painful to witness as watching my brother-in-law sleep on the couch ALL DAY LONG. I carve the bird because myBro "does'nt know how" and upon my first impalement with the knife the turkey blood squirts across the room.Every year same thing. My sister in law is a self proclaimed vegan which she is'nt even close. Well no turkey again this year. Boca burgers anyone?!

Worth, that was hilarious, I also hate late.

No Turkey debacles here, mine is always perfect! ;-)

When my brother was attending school in London he and his wife convinced a group of fellow students to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. Each was assigned a traditional dish to make and everyone would meet at an appointed time to share an American Thanksgiving meal.

A student there from Thailand insisted on being the one to prepare the turkey. My brother, being a bit dubious about his familiarity with, and the cooking of, a huge turkey questioned him a bit. He really wanted to be the one assigned to do the turkey. My brother had planned to cook it but finally gave in (he was one of his closest friends there).

Everyone arrived at the appointed time and place, and put their dishes on the table. After looking around a bit, several asked, whereÂs that turkey? LetÂs carve it up! At the end of the table the Thai fellow took the lid of a huge vat of curry, the aroma immediately permeated the entire building. In the curry, chopped into tiny bits, was the turkey. While it wasnÂt exactly what everyone had in mind, my brother did say it was delicious.

Curry and mashed potatoes anyone?

I have to admit that using rosemary wood for smoking is a poor idea. I deserved to be jumped on for that comment. I was thinking about how nice rosemay leaves are on roasted chicken, then jumped to the wrong conclusion and made a smart aleck remark. Next time I will check to see if my brain is engaged before typing.

I make curry with the last of the turkey leftovers. Never thought of starting right off with it. Good story.

Jim

Just wondering how much is the average US Turkey?
Wife and I went looking for Xmas yesterday (here in New Zealand). Frozen Turkey was from $42 for one that would supposedly feed 5-6 people to $56 for the biggest which feed 8 to 9 folk. Ham is no cheaper.
I hope you guys don't pay as much!

Glenn

Wow! That's expensive. Sometimes around here if you buy $250 or $300 worth of groceries at the market in the 2 months preceeding Thanksgiving, they give you a turkey. This isn't Prime Rib! Otherwise...a medium size one might be in the $15-$20 range. Of course, at the right time of day you can go shoot one in my back field. I counted 15 next door one day when I was over there walking with Daisy. She, being a bullmastiff, didn't see them. She's bred to see poachers. Altho why she's expected in the kitchen equipment trying to cook breakfast is a whole other conundrum.

During collage I spent a Thanksgiving on Ibiza. The girl I was traveling with invited a couple girls from Canada we had befriended. They were vegetarians and I was to cook. They thought it would be fun to see what food Americans might fix for Thanksgiving. We had VERY little money and I splurged on a small chicken( try finding a turkey in Ibiza), thinking my roommate and I could eat off the leftovers for a day or two. I proceeded to make a buffet of veggie gratins and salads so our guests would have lots of variety.

They both decided the chicken smelled so good they would try some. As the one girl polished off most of the bird she informed me she hadn't eaten meat in 10 years.

Anyway we had lots of veggies for a few days.

Jeanne

Using Rosemary wood still must be better than my former Brother-in-Law's smoking technique. He was too cheap to use enough charcoal to get the smoker grill hot enough. So he finally adds more charcoal, and being impatient, he keeps squirting lighter fluid to get it burning.

So, instead of a nicely browned turkey, we get a sooty one reeking of partially-combusted lighter fluid. Yum-yum.

Bark, since smoking disasters seem to be the order of the day, I must say that my dad and I hit on an idea to prepare coals faster and without lighter fluid. We rigged, using good ol' boy country ingenuity, a small vaccum cleaner motor and hose to a baffle, to our hibachi. By keeping a few lit coals in there, adding a bunch of new ones and hitting the on switch, we had white hot glowing coals in no time. Too hot to cook on really, but, a d@rn fine furnace. Until the hibachi casting explosively cracked. Ever see a red-hot hibachi, the botton so hot it pitted the concrete below.

Bob

Well folks we just had our thanksgiving dinner today and it came out just marvelous.

I did something that I always wanted to do, and the experiment was a complete success.
As most of you all know it has been an age old problem to cook a turkey and have the breast not be over done and the legs and thighs be done.
We have had success by cooking the whole bird with thermometers stuck in several places in the beast.
Well this year I did a rather unorthodox thing to say the least.
I cut the bird up yes thatÂs right I cut the thing up in half.
Breast portion and leg thigh portion, with the wings separate.
We cured the bird with a curing solution that I buy out of New York that I use to smoke meat and make sausage with.
It was a fresh turkey and I used a commercial meat pump to inject the brine into the beast.

The thing was just great and I never cook turkey to 175 and I throw the popup thing in the trash.
It came out a beautiful brick red color and tasted like a ham.
So much for turkey!
ROSEMARY
I have used rosemary as a smoke (supplement) to smoke meat and it works great.
A little goes a long way.
The Germans use juniper to smoke wild boar and other meats.
But I think juniper would be an improvement on the taste of wild boar.
These things smell horrible!!!!!!!

A twenty-pound bird is just about right for 2 dogs 2 people and 7 cats.
And to take some to my wifeÂs thanksgiving dinner at work tomorrow.

Barb, Bruce and the rest,

Thank you all for enjoying my humor, I say if I cant make folks smile or laugh every day then it just isnÂt worth getting out of bed, its better than going around insulting, and making life hard on folks.

YAWLL TAKE CARE NOW YA HEAR!!!!!

Worth

Mato Folk,

I was listening to WHFS several years back and a young lady DJ explained that she was going to serve a Tofu-Turkey to guests that were comming for Thanksgiving. I said to myself, "she is in for a life-lesson" :-)

Well several days later, after Thanksgiving, I heard her on the radio again and she said that when the kids of her guests saw the Tofu-Turkey their faces sank. She said it was a terrible mistake that she would never repeat.

Worth,

You sound like a hunter? I am right? I have a hunting freind that hunts for wild turkey. He says there are as good as the real thing but I wonder.

Glenn,

When you go into a grocery store in Maryland the week before Thanksgiving they are literally tossing turkeys at you. We get a free one from Weis Market just for shopping there. Giant Food often has sales that are so good we just buy a couple and freeze them or give them away.

Greg

You sound like a hunter? I am right? I have a hunting freind that hunts for wild turkey. He says there are as good as the real thing but I wonder.

Worth can speak for himself but I'll chime in here.

When I moved to my new home in 1999 where I have 30 acres and am in the boonies I first saw huge flocks of wild turkeys. They tend to hang out with the herd of about 20 deer who roam my property. I asked my brother about them and he said, yes, they were delicious.

Well he hasn't hunted since he married, and I don't hunt, so I never knew how good they were until last year. The young lad up the road who shovels snow for me off the deck shot one and had his grandmother cook it, as they do all the time, but this time he got on his ATV and brought me a package of warm out of the oven wrapped in foil turkey meat and I'm telling you, it WAS delicious. Sweet and tender, not at all gamey as I had suspected and better than any store bought turkey that I've ever tasted , fresh or frozen, and we're talking about a goodly number of birds I've eaten, given my age. LOL

Carolyn

Wow, Glenn, turkeys there are downright expensive! I can get a turkey for 33@lb if I spend $25 at the local grocery store. I've made two trips and gotten two turkeys for $4- $5 each. Still one more trip to buy a ham and a few more things, so I'll pick up one more turkey. I'm going to try a few new things with them, including smoking one.

After checking around yesterday we bought the cheapest Turkey we could. A 11 pound Turkey that was on special for $30.

I remember the day before Xmas or perhaps Easter or birthdays when my father would sharpen the axe and head off to the hen house for the following days dinner. Woe betide any poor layer!
Glenn

Glen

I canÂt remember if IÂve eaten wild turkey or not.
Yes I love to hunt but since I have moved to central Texas I havenÂt been able to.
Most of the land here is privately owned and there is no way I will pay the money that they ask, for a hunting lease.
Fishing is just as bad all of the lakes are over run by powerboats and jet skis.
All of the places on the river that are opened to the public are infested with weird drunk like creatures.

I need to get a little john boat to run the river in to get away from folks as I have tried to run a trot line and have had the thing run by thieves or worse yet the whole thing stolen.

Rabbits and squirrels are the only thing I can hunt around here.
I used to pack a rifle for miles up north and not see anyone I do miss the forest I was raised up in.

I lived in paradise and could not wait to get out, how young and stupid I was.

Worth

I definately had a debacle this year with my rolls. I scored some great dough for butter flake rolls from the Bagel shop I work at occasionally. All I had to do was let them thaw, rise and bake them. Well, first off they were all thawed on the kitchen table and my 22 month old climbed up on the table and pokes everyone of them, then I move them into the oven that was slighlty warm so they could rise. I was getting the Turkey ready to go and turned the oven on---forgetting all about the rolls in the oven. I open up the oven and the plastic wrap was all melted onto the muffin tin, but I was able to peel it off. The rolls were partially cooked on the bottom. Anyway, after I peeled off all of the plasic wrap and let them cool a bit I re-covered them with plastic and figured we would have to have them anyway because I didn't have the time or energy to make more rolls.
When the Turkey was out of the oven I put the rolls back in
(I removed the plastic of course) and let them cook more like brown and serve rolls. The flavor was OK, but they didn't rise because I killed the yeast off in the first bake. The rolls were small, chewy, and a total disaster. Boy am I glad it was just our family, and we weren't having a big dinner with guest like last year!!! My Pumpkin Flan turned out awesome though! (Flan de Calabaza)

Tyffanie

Tyffanie,

I'll take bad rolls and great pumpkin flan any day! It is hard to get everything just right and done at the same time! I would love the pumpkin flan recipe. I have leftover pumpkin in the freezer. :-)

barb

Barb,
Here's the Flan recipe---I translated it, so scroll down for the English version. It is really easy and delicious. My other favorite is Flan de Queso or Cream Cheese Flan.

Flan de Calabaza Sencillo
por: Melanie Lugo

Ingredientes :

2 1/2 taza calabaza majada
1 lata de leche evaporada
1 lata de leche condensada
5 huevos
1 cdta. canela en polvo
1 cdta. vainilla
1/4 cdta. clavos de olor (opcional)
1 taza de azucar derretida (caramelo

Procedimiento

Precaliente horno a 350. Mezcle todos los ingredientes y coloque en un molde previamente acaramelado. Ponga el molde en Baño de Maria por 1 hora.

Translation:
Simple Pumpkin Flan
2 ½ cups mashed pumpkin or squash
1 can evaporated milk
1 can sweetened condensed milk
5 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves (optional)
1 c. granulated sugar for the carmel

Pre-heat oven to 350. Mix all of the ingredients (I use a blender) and pour into baking dish/pan/mold that you previously put the carmel in. Put in the oven in a hot water bath and bake for 1 hour until knife inserted in middle comes out clean.

Note: To carmelize sugar IÂve found IÂm less likely to burn it if I add 1TBS corn syrup and 1/4 c water. Then I let it cook over medium to med-high heat until it start to turn a light amber color. I donÂt have a custard dish, so I just use a round cake pan and put it in a 9" by 13" pan with hot water for the hot water bath. I have also found that the flan sets up better if I add 2 tsp of corn starch, or 1 TBS of flour to the batter. This is a very pumpkiny flan. You can reduce the pumpkin by ½ c. if you want a milder pumpkin flavor.

Had relative leave giblet bag in the bird and it exploded when she put the thermometer in!

I had some turkey at a family reunion up in Rockford, Illinois, that was smoked over wood that I've never tasted before or since. I think it was alder or birch or some kind of relatively soft wood. Does anyone know what they use up in Northern Illinois and Wisconsin?

I have been so busy and come back to an interesting arrangement here at Conversations! I haven't had time to read this thread and don't want to see it gone, at least not yet. There's probably some interesting stories here.