I have been married for 36 years. The first month we were married, MIL drove 500 miles to visit, unannounced. While I was at work on that Friday, she did all my laundry (all my undies too), cooked dinner, and cleaned our apartment. (The message I received, was "you are incapable of taking care of my son.")I fixed supper for her that week-end and her comment was "aren't you going to take that nasty skin off the chicken?". It was downhill from that point on. Ten years ago, she grew very ill and came to live with us, (My husband is her only child, and she divorced many years ago). Has been here ever since and will be, likely, until she dies. And so, here we were with 26 years worth of unresolved issues between us (but "between" felt like a very small space). My advice to you comes from first hand experience. Resolve it NOW. No matter how difficult it may feel, no matter how your imagination warns you of horrible conflict, speak calmly, but honestly, now. Listen to her side. Arrive at a reasonable agreement for you both. These things have a way of growing deep roots, broad canopies, and coming to live with you. Boy do I wish I had followed that advice. I should tell those who are interested that we have found peace over the years, thanks to God and my wonderfuly patient husband, but the first few years were beyond awful. I now know that for the most part, our conflicts were far more misunderstandings than fact. So again, I reiterate, don't wait until MIL is old and senile. Get it right while you are both young and have some space. It will be worth the effort. Sorry if this sounds preachy.

I'm on the verge of buying a J&P White Dawn that looks unbelievably healthy (even though I normally buy only own-root, and generally boycott foreign-owned growers). The virus-free certification may have knocked me off the fence. As to Peace, I've never seen one that looked anything but horrible. Down here, and even in Northwest Arkansas, they are just a bunch of skinny, leafless sticks, with blooms on the ends. Are there places where Peace actually looks good without endless pampering? I doubt any of the wretched specimens I've seen were own-root.

luvstocraft has written an excellent post, IMO. I agree with her completly. I'd also like to add something for you to consider. I unexpectedly lost my own Mom was I was 19. She was my best friend. Painful loss. When I married, I was overjoyed to have a Mom's presence again. Not that MIL would/could replace my own mother but she was there for me when I had questions or just needed to talk. We developed a strong, loving relationship. In time, I called her, "Mom". I'm certain my real Mom watched my relationship with MIL bloom with pleasure. She would not have wanted it to be strained in any way. My MIL was not a perfect woman. Neither am I. She cooked different than my mother. She raised her children different than I was raised. Her accent was different. Her mannerisms were different. But, her love was the same...I've no doubts it was genuine & came from her heart. MIL often told me that she worried raising her two sons that, someday, she would have bad relationships with her DILs...and how happy she was that I accepted her. Her worst fear of her son's marrying was rejection. She was afraid that her importance in her son's life would be reduced to an obligatory phone call on Mother's Day. She was afraid her son would spend all of the Holidays with his wife's family because she'd taught him to honor his wife. She'd raised her son to be independant & strong. That left her afraid he would no longer need her in his life. When the grandkids came, she was afraid her DIL would always turn to her own mother & there would be no place for her in the grandkids' lives. We lost MIL 3 years ago come the end of June. We lost FIL January '08. I miss them both terribly. I believe our relationships are what we make of them. I became the daughter my MIL never had. She became the mother I lost. It worked because we both put forth great effort to bridge the differences. We talked together, we argued with each other & then apologized for harsh words, we cried together over silly girl-stuff, we disagreed & then agreed it was OK that we viewed something different than the other. Someday, your MIL will be gone. You will either view her as a valued & cherished member of your family or you will be bitter & angry at your differences. The choice is really up to you. The ball is in your court to either allow her a place in your family & heart, or not. Like it or not...woman are the glue that sticks families together. There's an old New England custom...summer homes are popular here (they're called "camps"). When the patriarch/matriarch of the family passes...the "camp" is often willed to the wife of the oldest son. Yes, the property goes to the wife. Why? Because it is respected that women will hold the family together & even through difficult times the summer house will be filled with family laughter making good memories. You are the glue between your DH's family & your own. You can embrace that responsibility & honor it...or you can reject it. We reap what we sow. The next time you see your MIL...greet her with a genuine from the heart big hug & a smile, tell her how glad you are to see her looking well & that the kids can spend some time with their grammy. Then, look in her eyes. Look hard. Watch them soften. Someday, you may find yourself in the role of MIL. Be a good example to your kids. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm getting old & I've lost a lot of family. Don't wait until they're gone to appreciate them. /tricia

Thanks mav.So sorry to hear about your husband.I dont know how you do it.I cant imagine not having my husband with me.Yesterday we had to take the car to the garage to get the brakes fixed so we used my mothers car which my dad now drives.When I got into the passenger side of her car I started to cry hysterically.My hands were shaking and I was gasping for breath.I hadnt been in her car without her ever.I was having a panic attack.Luckily,we didnt have far to go so I was home in about 10 minutes.I really feel like Im falling apart.This was a huge setback for me.Im really sorry to be whining but I cant help it.I just miss her so much.I dont think I can go on for much longer.