Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Christmas so I've made a few small changes...

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect ... & neither did the flaming dogfood & kittylitter bags.

Once inside our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the seasonal swags of evergreens, bows & holly berries I had planned to make. Instead, the dogs have gotten involved in the decorating by tracking in dead leaves & mud from the back yard. The mud was their idea. Clever of them, huh?

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china & crystal goblets. If possible we will use dishes that match, & you will probably get a fork. Since this is Christmas we will refrain from using the paper plates, plastic utensils & leftover napkins from McDonalds. Naturally the dogs will be under the table to make sure the floor stays clean. Bless their hearts, they try hard to help me when it comes to keeping the floors in the kitchen & dining room clean.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I planned. Instead, we will be displaying a wet hedgehog-like decoration handcrafted from the finest construction paper, poster paint & macaroni. The artist assures me it is a snowman. The dogs are totally convinced it's a new dog toy. With a little bit of luck it will still be in one piece by dinnertime.

For your information, we will be dining fashionably late. The children & dogs will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Christmas, decorating, shopping & the turkey hotline. Please, remember that most of these comments were made at 5 am when I discovered that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds on...not to mention my necessary quality control checks of the rum while making Rum Balls on Christmas Eve.

As an accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming & the dogs will howl along. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.....they are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast but we tossed that idea aside. We will bang on an empty sauce pan with a metal spoon instead. You can hear it better over all the noise & anyway the cats broke the bell. Or, we may choose to keep our traditional method of announcement: When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table & sit wherever you can. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table in a separate room & preferably next door. The dogs will remain here under the table. After all, they have a job to do.

For safety reasons the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children or elderly relatives to check the progress, I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed, it stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner table so don't even think of bringing out the cameras for a Norman Rockwell moment. Considering the vast amount of my previously mentioned quality control checks of rum the night before....I cannot guarantee what the turkey will look like. Just eat it.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that "passing the rolls" is not a football play...nor is it a request to knock other diners in the head with warm tasty bread. If you pass a roll & it hits the floor, it becomes the property of the dogs. Don't try to take it away from them. Losers are weepers, finders are keepers & the dogs will insist upon being the keepers. Please, don't forget this most important Dog Rule.

One reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal,

& especially while in the presence of certain young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name of Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance or tell them to ask the dogs opinion. The dogs will happily

sample it & convince any doubters that it is as tasty as any cheese sauce ever created.

There is one last change to our dinner. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie garnished with whipped cream & cat paw prints. You will still have a choice - take it or leave it.

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Linda